Are you happy?

GG06

Paul has asked me this question periodically throughout our marriage. I remember vividly one time in June 2021. He wasn't showering, was angry, depressed, narcissistic, and generally miserable to be around. He said, "Look, if you're not happy, you can just leave." I told him, crying, I wasn't happy, and I may. That was a turning point, and things did get better briefly.

Fast forward to today. Life has changed dramatically for us. FTD is living its best life here. The one blessing is that the disease has damaged Paul's brain in the area that controls his self-awareness. He thankfully has anosognosia and is honestly happier than he has been since I've known him. Certainly, the sertraline is a significant factor too.

This morning while Paul was in his office, I went downstairs to work out. I was down there about 10 minutes before he comes down with the dryer ball to play catch. I told him I would play after my workout. After about 10 minutes I convinced him to go back upstairs.

After I'd finished, I went to his office to check on him. He asked if I was happy. It made me so sad. Fibbing, I said, "Yes, I'm happy. Are you happy?" He said, "I'm happy if you're happy." My heart aches. I hate FTD so very much.

Jeanne C.

"I'm happy if you're happy."

I definitely notice that Ralph's emotions feed off of mine. I work hard at staying upbeat for him. And I think he can tell when I'm faking it. Example: this morning I got a text from his sister. She stresses me out. I didn't say a word, but he immediately took my hand and asked if I was okay.

The thing is I don't think Ralph is happy - I think he's just trying to make me happy. In a weird way I think he's sometimes walking on eggshells the same way I do, just trying to keep the balance. He would hate how he is. He would hate how he behaves at times. He sometimes acts like a kid trying to get mommy's attention, being deliberately silly, just to get me to smile. He was always so smart and independent. Now he just clings to me.

GG06

Your post makes me sad, Jeanne. I worry and expect Paul will not be happy when he can no longer work which I anticipate happening every single day. He acts like a kid too-the same attention-seeking behaviors. And, like Ralph, was always smart and uber independent too. Both are diminishing daily.

Jeanne C.

I'm sorry. I think I'm just feeling blue today. He has bright spots. He loves the electronic dog I got him. He sometimes delights in food (does a little chair dance when he really likes what I made him) and music. But yes, it sucks.

CStrope

Maybe it's just my experience with Bob, but for me one of the hardest things about FTD is that he still has this sense of reality and awareness in him. The other day, I was working, and he came in and was crying. He looked at me and said "its okay when I'm not here things will be good". Since he struggles so bad communicating about anything, I'm not really sure if he even knew what he was talking about, but on the off chance he did, his insight into our life sent me to tears. I know he's not happy, I can tell that there is some part of him that knows how messed up things are. He would NEVER want to live like this, and yet here we are.

GG06

@CStrope As I was reading your comment, I kept thinking, "I wish I could hug her." It must be so hard for you and Bob with his awareness. Even just the moments of Paul knowing he is not remembering things tug at my heart.

CStrope

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190549#Comment_190549

Thank you, I could use the hug today!

GG06

@CStrope sending one to you now!! 🤗