Pressure to place hubby

CStrope

Recently several people keep "hounding" me as to when I'm going to place Bob.....just how do you decide?! I connected with the wife of a co-worker this week who lost her mother to FTD 2 weeks ago. It was so amazing to hear her story and some of the things their family went through on their journey. She said her dad was just getting ready to place her mom when she had a seizure of some sort, and died a week later. Just like me, her dad said he struggled to place her mom while she still had some awareness of what was going on. On the one hand, Bob has no cognitive ability to carry out even the easiest of tasks, but yet, he is aware. He knows when things feel off and he knows when my son comes and I put my coat on that I'm going somewhere without him. He doesn't know my name, but he knows I'm the person who is always there for him. So how can I place him in a facility when he'll feel like I'm abandoning him? One of my sisters only calls when she wants to pressure me to place him, and there have been a couple of friends and other family members too. But they are not here every day, and they don't understand him like I do. Am I being delusional?

GG06

I do not think you are being delusional. Paul is not as far along as Bob is, so I don't have experience with your situation, but I think you are the best judge of whether or not it's time to place him. I periodically wonder how I'll know when it's time. I tell myself when our quality of life is impacted to a point that is unhealthy or unsafe it will be time for placement. But of course, I'm just speculating.

That is such a crazy coincidence your co-worker's mother had FTD. It must've been nice for you to talk to her and share experiences. Hopefully, she will be a support to you. Having someone to talk to who has walked in similar shoes is comforting.

Do you have a MCF in mind for when/if you decide it's time? Have you told your sister, family, and friends that you appreciate their concern and know they have your best interests at heart, but to please refrain from giving advice unless you ask for it?

Remember, you are doing the very best you can. Every single day:)

CStrope

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191553#Comment_191553

Thank you for the supportive words. Especially my sister always seems to think she knows what's best for everyone in every situation. I've politely tried to tell her why I'm holding off and that I need to do this in my own time. It holds for a month or two, then she always finds a need to call me and "check in" to see if I've made any decisions. I have a local MCF picked out that is small, and they almost always have an opening. (just because our community is small). I know others that have had or currently have family members there and they are happy with the care. That might be part of my indecision too, I know that when the time is right, my ducks are in a row and I can take that step in a relatively short amount of time.

Jeanne C.

No one knows better than you and you have a backup plan. I feel like you have this under control. You're doing such a good job for Bob.

If you're delusional, then so am I 😉.

GG06

I agree with Jeanne. You have solid plan in place.

GothicGremlin

I don't think you're being delusional either @CStrope . I think you'll know when/if the time is right to place him. It's a really difficult decision, with so much variation between individuals. The decision to place my sister didn't come easily. Peggy didn't want to go at all. At a certain point though, she needed much more care than I (and my two caregivers) could provide.