Would you make tough decisions if it was allowed?

CStrope

Bob has been in Memory Care exactly 1 month now. I look at him now, and realize the lengths I went to when he was home to maintain a certain level of normalcy. I worked like crazy to continually take him to the bathroom so he didn't wear diapers, now he's in diapers all day. I gave him nutritional snacks all day long because he burned so many calories walking and pacing, now he's losing weight (even though he is eating fairly well). I took him places and did things with him to keep him involved with the "normal" world, now his world is the 20 residents and the staff at the facility. The point is, when I assessed his ADLs prior to moving him, I thought he was doing pretty good, now I reassess those same ADL criteria and realize how bad he is.

When checking him in to the facility, one of the questions they asked me was if he had a DNR or if he was full resuscitate. The answer was easy for me……DNR. I know he wouldn't want to live like this if he understood what was going on, and it is horrible for me to see what he's become. I often ask myself if it was legal to help him end his misery, would I consent to that. I guess I'm really not sure what to say, other than I was glad to be able to make that decision for our beloved dog when she was in pain and suffering.

GothicGremlin

It's a really tough question, and one my s.o. and I have talked about several times.

We're on the same page for each other — help me leave with as much dignity as possible.

Should I ever be diagnosed with any kind of dementia, I'd be gone long before memory care becomes an option. To be honest, I'd be done right around mid-stage 5. My. s.o. feels the same way for himself. So I guess we'd make a trip to Switzerland and have one last adventure, and then only one of us would make that return flight home.

But for Peggy? That's a very different question. She was such an optimistic, hopeful person, that I don't think she would have ever wanted me to consent to that for her, even if she knew then what stage 6 and 7 was going to be like. She didn't even like the idea of a DNR, but she also understood that if she was at that point, a DNR was probably the best option. But ending things at say, stage 6, would have been a bridge too far for her, I think. She would have still been hoping for a cure.

So, even though it would be my preference for myself, I know it wouldn't have been Peggy's, so I wouldn't have been comfortable consenting to it.

I guess I should add that even though my s.o. and I would both consent, I can appreciate the ethical quagmire that it presents.

I feel you @CStrope about seeing how bad your husband is… I took Peggy to a neurologist last spring (we were trying to find out if an occupational or physical therapist would be beneficial to her), and the neurologist held up a pen and asked Peggy if she knew what it was. She had no idea. A pen. That was an unpleasant reality check for me. I had no idea until then that that was where she was.

Jeanne C.

A few years ago, I would have jumped into this discussion thinking it was an interesting ethically question. I would have enjoyed it as a hypothetical debate. I probably would have made a flippant "Thelma and Louise" comment.

Now that it's real, I genuinely struggle. I know Ralph wouldn't want to live like this. He'd be horrified by the behaviors FTD brought in stage 4 and 5. He'd be mortified by the indignities of 6 and beyond. But he also was raised in the catholic church and would have fear of mortal sins. He was quite clear that he wouldn't want anything to prolong this. But would he end it if he could? I don't think so. Me, I wouldn't want to put that dilemma on a loved one and would handle it myself.

MelissaNH

((( @CStrope ))) I have been pondering this subject since DHs diagnosis. Alz runs in my family so we have had many conversations back in the day when he would have deep conversations with me (it's been well over ten years now of just small/basic/superficial talk). He always said if it happened to him, he would go "Kevorkian style". So now here we are and he has anosognosia. He truly believes there is nothing wrong with him and he will live until he is 90 despite all the tests and diagnosis. Never would I have thought we'd need to think about something called "anosognosia" coming into play and cancelling out his wishes. It's a very confusing thing to have to deal with and it seems like it takes all "Dying with Dignity" conversations off the table for us. He is still very much in agreement with "DNR" so he can at least make that choice for himself. I can't wait to have all these questions answered at the end of the month.