Daughter concerned for mother who takes care of father

dcatalano

My mother is at home with my father who has dementia. She is becoming very depressed and fears the future of what needs to be done. Why is there rarely talk of this. I call it What About Mom. I have 2 sisters who basically behind my back got medically and financially power of attorney. So do I have any rights to step in and help my mother. They live in a small town where there are no support groups for people like my mom. She can drive but only in town. My sisters don't listen to mom and thinks she is just fine. They are doing an excellent job making sure my dad's needs are met but what about my mom. All of us live in the same city about 60 mins from them. My sisters are there pretty often but when I go visit I need to go when neither of them are there because my presence makes things messy. And they treat me very poorly. So I ask how can I help my mom???

elhijo

Hello dcatalano,

Difficult situation to be in. One thing to note, a medical and financial power of attorney is not the end-all-be-it-all. Legal guardianship will trump those but you need to get an elder care attorney. You're right to be very concerned about your mother as Alzheimer's is really a disease of the caretaker (was told by this by a medical professional). Yes, the person suffering it is the actual Alzheimer's patient but usually they don't realize all that's happening to them and God-willingly their needs are being met. However, it's the person doing the caretaking who often times is devastated by the disease: emotionally, sometimes financially, physically, etc. You are 100% right to be concerned about your mom. It's not 'in your head' in case you're being told that.

If I were you, I'd call the ALZ association hotline and ask for a list of elder care attorneys in your area or state. From my experience attorneys who register with the ALZ association provide some form of discount and it would be better to discuss things with attorney now to see what your options are. Power of attorney's are not set in stone and for that matter, neither are legal guardianships. But if you do decide to go that route, it will be costly, and you will need to keep very good records of where the money is going for your mom (and/or dad) and what days and whom they saw for their medical needs. Reason for this, is you will need to file with the state each year to maintain your guardianship, at least that's how it is in Florida (pretty sure that's how other states are). Unfortunately, be also prepared for your siblings to contest it and things can get ugly. Doesn't mean it will happen, but it can so just be aware of that. The elder care can discuss this more with you.

ALZ is a disease that can destroy families so if I were you, I would just talk to a lawyer but never/not threaten your siblings with legal action because this is a very long road your family is in and people can live years and years on end with Alzheimer's, so you don't want to poison the waters or family dynamics for years to come. You do have every right to be concerned about your mother though. Maybe if you provided your siblings some literature about how ALZ can destroy the caretaker they may take your concerns more seriously.

Sometimes siblings 'circle the wagons' so-to-speak and think only they know what's best. It's out of a protective spirit I think and doesn't necessarily mean they're being mean, but if the family dynamics weren't all that great in the past, ALZ won't make them any better. But even with all that, you do have a right to be concerned about your mom and I'd say talk to an elder care lawyer sooner than later.

One last thing, if the family dynamics get completely destroyed and neither sibling can decide on anything and dad (or mom) ends up in the hospital and people are fighting about what the plan of care should be in front of the doctors, the hospital may end up calling adult protective services. And then adult protective services may initiate proceedings where the state becomes the legal guardian, trumping any power of attorneys -and deciding where you mom or dad's finances will go -and where they will be housed. From what I read, this can lead to the elderly's funds being quickly drained (by the state-appointed legal guardian) and the elderly being put in poorly run facilities with very bad health outcomes. This is horrible for the family as they find themselves in a situation where they are legally powerless to do anything about what's happening and can't remove their loved ones from the nursing home/assisted living/etc. where the state appointed guardian decided mom/dad should go all the while paying themselves heftily from mom/dad's bank account. And I think fighting the state can get very costly and time-consuming assuming you get an impartial judge (look up abusive guardianships). Just saying this so you and your siblings keep everything civil in case there is ever a hospitalization or whenever you go to the doctor's office. While there may not be any hospitalizations now, or not even a few doctor's visits, Alzheimer's is a very long road so just keep that in mind if any hospitalizations do happen -keep things civil.

If done correctly, ALZ doesn't need to destroy family relationships. You'll need each other more and more as the years go by and each of you will see it that on her own. Home health aides, cna's, medical professionals, etc. will come in and out of your lives but, for-better-of-worse, family is still family.

I'll say a prayer for you and your mom and dad and for the rest of your family.

Very best wishes for the road ahead.