Worried about my parents and me having no support from siblings

mestafan

I am worried about my parents with dementia they became scared of life and feeling weakness and aging and they don't find their identity and meaning in life. I am so much grieving them. My siblings are putting all responsibility on me and they don't care to help at all. They feel that my brother is not supportive and feeling very disappointed that they are not supported at all except by me. My sister has lots of problems.
I can't tolerate how I see my parents progressing.
I am also divorced and needed someone to care about me too.
and feel unsupported and neglected by my siblings. Feeling so much unloved by my siblings who are not willing to help everybody has his life. I didn't get married yet the problem that I need support also might push me to be deceived by support of any man and decide the wrong decision again. I just feel I am losing my parents dying slowly in front of me.
I need to know what can be done about this issue.
It is a very tough situation.
please reply and help me get advice about that issue. I need support as a caregiver.
The technology barrier for their medical visits makes me worried what can be done if I worked how can I leave them. Should I bring a nurse?
They also have 3 PTSDS in their lives and I also need to make sure that this is not causing depression so in this case how can I know it is dementia or depression or both?
Any thing can be done now they refuse playing sudukou. dad sometimes say he takes medications and it seems he is lying about it and that overwhelms me and yell as I am not able to control this progress.

elhijo

Hello Mestafan,

Tough situation to be in. I feel your pain as I too was abandoned by my siblings. Lost my job due to a layoff and my siblings would not help us. Were it not for a friend of mine from long ago and a spiritual advisor, I would be homeless and my mother would be dying in an indigent nursing home today. So much for family.

So yes, family can and does abandon the caregiver. Not in all cases but yes it does happen. You're right be sad.

There is a way through this though. The first thing is call the Alzheimer's Association and get a list of lawyers so you can pursue legal plenary guardianship over both your parents. The type of lawyer that does this is an elder care attorney. Some people get a document called a "power of attorney" and I'm no lawyer but I don't think that's good enough in all cases. Down the line if one of your siblings wants to put either (or both) parents into a nursing home, despite this not being the best solution for them, you might have problems challenging this if all you have a power of attorney. So if I were you I'd call the Alzheimer's Association and get a list of elder care attorneys in your area and see what your options are. I think some of them give discounts if you find them through the Alzheimer's Association. Some employers now are starting to offer some type of pre-paid legal services as part of their benefit plans so you may want to read your benefits sheet to see if they offer this and if "guardianship" is covered. I wouldn't go to Human Resources though as you don't want to be branded as an employee who may be entering a difficult family situation and be laid off over a "perception". Just read your benefits literature and contact the provider directly if you have any questions. And also, don't mention the home/family problems at work. You will need your job in order to be able to support your parents if they've reach a point they can't support themselves. Even if they can support themselves, Alzheimer's is a very long road and you don't know what needs may come 10 years from now. I started caring for my mom in 2018 and she's still alive and kicking. So you will need your job/income to keep things going, even if presently all you do is save. Keep on saving.

Going back to the legal guardianship document, a lawyer can talk more about this but let's say either mom or dad gets really sick and siblings start to argue at the hospital about what should happen -and it gets nasty. The hospital will most likely call adult protective services which is a state run program where strangers basically take over your parents' lives legally, controlling all aspect of their lives. The hospital/medical providers aren't going to get into a family squabble. And the state-appointed guardians have no legal obligation to mom and dad's feelings. What has happened in many cases around the country is that the elderly are removed from their homes, placed into cheap nursing homes, and their assets liquidated -with the state-assigned guardian handsomely paying him or herself $100 to $150/hr for "work" from the ward's liquidated assets. All legal. Family powerless to stop it in most cases. While some states have made some provisions so this doesn't happen in the last couple of years, it's not a situation I advise any caretaker to get into. So if I were you I'd start talking to an elder care lawyer today and make an appointment. The first thing is to get the law on your side. A term they will likely through out is plenary guardianship which means you are in charge of both their health and their assets (like the whole thing).

Second, is to join either a virtual or real-life support group. You might be at a disadvantage as most seem to be spouses but I never ran into a support group where adult children were excluded from the group, you just may not hear relevant advice to your situation but you can pick up good tips here and there and of course contribute things yourself.

Third, is call your local Alliance for Aging and see what type of help your parents can get. If you Google them, you will find the one in your city and state as they are in all states. They may qualify for some free respite care, meaning someone can come to the home, to relieve you so you can go out and clear your head, so you're not home all the time. Or, they can help you take them out, so it's just not you. They may offer other form of guidance/assistance you may not even know about. You just have to be persistent as those things can take months or even a year to get started, so start the process now is my advice on this.

Fourth, is to see about getting some counseling for yourself. You will need emotional and spiritual support. With the rise of the pandemic a lot of things have gone virtual. You want to find a counselor who has counseled caregivers, especially those whose loved ones have serious diseases like Alzheimer's or Parkinson's so he or she knows where your coming from and what your emotional/psychological needs are. If you can't travel to the counselor's office then online might be an option. You will need self care and stick with self-care. Your parents safety and well-being will depend on you caring for yourself.

God Bless and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from our house to yours. You're a good daughter.

elhijo