How honest?

jen1247

I’m a new arrival here. I’ve recently been tasked with the financial duties of my parents. But the caregiving is much more complicated and challenging than any financial aspect.
I have been gently honest with my mom about what’s happening to her. But she thinks that she’ll get better.
Should I tell her that she will not?
Of course, she has good days and bad, but the truth seems too brutal no matter how it’s conveyed.
Or will she forget after I tell her?
I’m asking this because she has asked me💔 I just skirt the issue then redirect.
I want to be honest without crushing her spirit.

elhijo

Hello Jen,

Kind of funny I should read this post tonight as this month will be 8 years of taking care of my mom full-time, after I brought her home from the 12-day stay at the horrible nursing home.

My advice: Tell the truth, you just don't know. But say it lovingly. You can also say that memory problems are something even doctor's don't know much about, even with all their drugs. Which is 100% truthful. You can then follow it up with a solid promise that no matter what the future holds you will be there for her and give your mom a loving hug. But, before you make that promise you have to really think about what you can deliver or are willing to sacrifice or even can sacrifice as not every caregiver is in the same boat. For example, if you are thinking about placing your mom in a facility you can't say you'll always be there because you won't physically always be there. And the elderly with Alzheimer's do get moments of lucidity where they remember the important stuff and something like this could break her heart if you said you'd always be there but then you aren't (physically). So if you're not sure where/how you can take care of your mom in the long run, you could follow up the sentiment by saying that no matter what, you will always have her back. That doesn't convey that she will always live with you or that she will or won't live in an ALF or nursing home, but it does convey that you will always look out for her -so it won't be her against Alzheimer's all by herself. And as your mom progresses you'll find yourself telling more little white lies, it's ok, it's compassion and you're not being evil or anything like that.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

And don't let people "program" you. There is no set limit for Alzheimer's, meaning there is no hard and fast rule on how many years people with Alzheimer's can live with it (or die from it) nor on how fast or slow the disease progresses. Take things one day at a time - both for you and for your mom and try to enjoy each new day (cliche but true).

Best of luck you both,

elhijo

jen1247

Elhijo, thank you so much for your valuable input.
I think about my future limitations constantly, and how that will affect the quality of care I am able to offer my mom. My dad has already promised her that he will never put her in a LTCF, and I know that came from a place of love and loyalty, but the reality may differ.
One day at a time is honestly, all I can muster.

Thank you again for your kind words.