Dad in despair-don't know what else to do

search4innerpeace

Hello all!  My mom was diagnosed with AlZ about 5 years ago and I'm still trying to figure out how much more I can do for my dad.  Of course, this has been devastating to him and is to everyone.  Prior to the diagnosis, he kept from us information or minimized what was going on.  After the diagnosis, he struggled with strategies to best respond to mom's changing needs.  It was easier for him to not address the changing situation and ignore.  

Once the diagnosis was give,  I immediately engaged with the local Alz assoc and arranged many meetings for us to talk through what was going on, learn about the disease, obtain education on strategies, etc.  I attempted to get support in a variety of forms to assist my dad, invited him to support groups, help lines, etc.   Additionally, he is angry (again understandable) and all he focuses on is how this is so hard for him and "poor me" with everything.  He has isolated himself and does have depression and anxiety.  I feel like I have lost my father and my kids have lost their grandfather with all of this.  I am essentially trying to care for both of my parents at the same time.  

Mom is currently in a nursing facility and the disease has progressed quite a bit.   I try to be supportive and listen as much as I can.   To this day, he has not once asked my how I have been doing and will always repeat you have no idea what it is like........I do not know what it is like in the husband/wife role, but I am still affected as a daughter-I see my mom's outbursts, I am grieving the diagnosis and steady decline, I have helped with her personal cares, I have heard her say she wants to die, etc.  However, I have established coping strategies and do speak to a therapist on occassion.  My dad has absolutly no coping and refuses to get any help.  This summary does not even cover everything I have attempted.   I have even engaged with an entity in hopes to obtain help for him with no success.  I know he's hurting and I do have empathy, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up.  Looking for similar stores and what has helped others.  Thank you!

King Boo

There's really not much you can do for Dad - until he has a crisis.

The only thing I can think of is if you happen to come across another spouse at the nursing facility in the same boat - you might strike a 'chance' source of support for Dad since they will be living the same spousal losses.

Ask the facility social worker if there are any opportunities to 'network' families, with their permission.  Or perhaps present it to Dad as there is a new person who could really use your support, their spouse is newly move in.

There's only so much of us adult children to go around.  

M1

Hi search, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you're having to care for him too.  It sounds like he may have his own issues with cognitive decline?  Or at least with loss of coping skills, which may amount to the same thing.  I wonder whether what you're hearing repeatedly is an indirect cry for help on his part.

I'm not in a similar situation (caregivng for my partner, not a parent), but your post makes me wonder if he needs a change in his living arrangements so that he's not so isolated and alone (if he is in fact living alone now in their old home).  Does anyone have POA for him?  Have you approached his doctors regarding what's going on?  If you don't have HIPPA access, you can always give them information about your concerns (by telephnone or writing), even if they can't reply back.

I imagine your focus--and his--has been on your mother, but I wonder if what he's telling you indirectly is that the current situation is not tolerable for him, but that he doesn't know how to change it and needs help doing so.  Good luck.  Maybe others will chime in who have been in similar situations more than I have.  

dayn2nite2

Did your father ever have coping skills or did he allow your mother to do all the "coping" that needed to be done while he ignored the problem?

If he never had those skills, you're not likely to assist him in learning to cope now.  And yes, you may have lost him as a father and grandfather at least for a time.  You can't take care of your family, your mother and him too.  But he has to want help and if he doesn't, then there is nothing for you to do here but limit your contact with him.

If he did have coping skills and seems to have lost them, it's possible he is suffering from his own cognitive loss, possibly more subtly than your mother's.  

search4innerpeace

thank you all for your insight and suggestions.  It validated to me that I am on the right track.  To respond further: he is not willing to move which I think would be helpful-being in that big house surrounded by everything that is theirs does add to this.  He has never really had his own coping skills and always ignored problems-mom was the glue that held everything together for him.  Unfortunately, he doesn't see a physician (never was a fan of doctors)  and the brief time was seeing a therapist, we did reach out to share our information.  It's frustrating that his thought pattern with therapists is that it is all talk and nothing gets "fixed".  That view probably comes from mom always taking care of things now that I reflect back.  All of this probably is a cry for help-we are trying to be proactive and prevent the situation from getting to the point of a crisis, however I fear that it will take a crisis. I have not tried pairing up with another spouse from a NF-great idea to reach out to the social worker.  I have found this community so helpful-he does not do computer technology, but does anyone know if the Alz call-in lines may be a resource to speak with other spouses?  Thank you.

dayn2nite2

I kind of suspected he didn't really have coping skills before anyway and probably has leaned on your mother to handle problems.

Unfortunately, when we go through life in this sort of "learned helplessness" status, we usually get the chair kicked out from under us eventually.  He is going to have to grow up, so to speak.

One thing - men who are put in this position who also refuse counseling, physicians and the like sometimes decide to take matters into their own hands and for that reason I am going to tell you that if he owns any firearms those need to be removed from his home and not given back to him.  If you know where they are, I would take him out of the house and remove them while he is out.  This won't stop him from buying another or killing himself by some other means, but you do need to remove any guns or rifles now.

If he starts talking about killing himself, take him to an emergency room or call 911 to have them take him to the hospital.  

The hotline won't put him in touch with other spouses, they will let him talk and offer him resources that he will probably refuse anyway.

This is all you can do with him for now.  Your energy is limited and needs to be spent on yourself first, then your family and then your mother.  Probably little left over for someone who will not help himself.

I do apologize if the above sounds kind of cold, but you are in a survival mode here, this disease is devastating to the entire family and you are doing your best to attend to your mother and care for yourself at this time.  He is going to have to learn to cope (not likely if she's been sick this long) or drown in his own self-pity.

search4innerpeace

Dayn2nite2-your communication is not cold at all and no need to apologize.  I appreciate your honesty and drawing light to the reality.   You are spot on.  I feel helpless in this situation and guilty that I can only do so much, but this communication again validates I am doing all that I can with the resources I have available.    Like you stated, this disease can be so divistating to a family, but I have also learned so much from my mom and the disease-a little silver lining for me.  Take care and thank you!

Sjodry

Search4innerpeace,

May I ask what you meant by “I have even engaged with an entity”?

Just wondering..

Sandy