How's your Mom doing?

MrsAnnabelLee

People mean well when they ask this question, but I know I'm not the only one who struggles through an answer. Something honest would sound a bit like, "well I guess that depends on what we're comparing her current state to. Compared to my mom before this disease deteriorated half of her brain mass, she's doing pretty terribly. If, however, we're comparing her today to her a year or two from now when she will likely have no ability to care for herself in any way, she's doing great." Usually, I end up saying "she's not doing great, but she's happy which is the best we could hope for." I'd love to know how you handle this question.

MelHelp

I also struggle with this question except in my case it is people asking about my dad. I tend to vary my answers without go into details. Some examples include: That he is keeping on (my boss never knows how to respond to this one). That he is safe and happy. That he was having a good day when I saw or spoke to him last. That he is upright and breathing (that one usually comes out when I'm having a bad day). 

May flowers

I know what you mean, I just say my LO has good days and bad days.

One thing that has been crazy is sometimes my FIL will have a good day and my BIL will call him and tell us later he thought he was struggling during their chat. And on some very rough days, the opposite will happen. So really it is more like good hours and not so good hours!

Fairyland

I’m in early stages and it’s hard not to pour it all out. But nobody needs that, I guess,  I need to find friends or some sort of group that would be more appropriate.

It’s like how are you? The correct answer is. FINE.

Jane Smith

I have the same struggle when people ask me this, especially as she has declined. 

I had to figure out when and to whom to say, “she’s fine” or “doing as well as expected,” and with whom I could really be brutally honest. Most people are the first category. The second and honest answer category is made up of my support groups, including here, and a very few other people.  Very few.  Very very very few. 

The hard part for me is repressing the voice in my head saying, she has a terminal, unimaginably awful disease, that requires 24/7 supervision so she doesn’t harm herself, so how do you THINK she is doing?  Often I want to yell that at people, especially the ones who say, how is your mom, is she getting better?

So I know what you’re saying. I would have gone totally nuts years ago, without support groups.

Arrowhead

I tell them about the latest strange things she has been doing. I tell them about any doctor visits; about getting her hair done; where we have gone lastly and how she reacted to it; any changes I have had to make because of her changing symptoms.

LaurenB

I give different people different responses depending on how much I think that they want to know.  Casual or work friends want to hear that she is fine, but isn't it funny that she....  Close friends who I need for support get the full story.  She's struggling and didn't recognize me the other day when I showed up....  If it's a friend of hers who I think can handle the truth without getting too up set I tell them the whole truth.  If they are especially sensitive or will get overly depressed they get the 1/2 truth.

dayn2nite2

I always said “I guess as well as can be expected for someone with a terminal diagnosis.”  No further questions would be asked.