Activities for MIL with Alzheimer's

jile

Hello. My 71 YO MIL has Alzheimer's and moved in with my husband and I in October 2020. I don't know what stage she is, but she is able to care for herself in many ways. She does not need daycare and is conversational and mobile. My husband and I work FT and I work from home. We aren't able to give her the companionship she is seeking during the day and she is not open to our senior center or activities related to Alzheimer's or dementia. She previously attended yoga classes and I was able to find a yoga studio for her, but after 5 classes, she said it hurt her knees. I spoke to the instructor, who said she was having difficulty following along and maybe felt self-conscious. We have a college student that will take her shopping or out for lunch, but she has become less interested in that as well. I was hoping there would be a volunteer activity that she could try. Something where they were aware that she has Alzheimer's, but with the knowledge that she is still capable of contributing, depending upon the activity. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

RanchersWife

It feels like a loop...”I want to do something. No, not that.”  I’ve seen my LO struggle with several issues.

 1) Doesn’t want to spend time with friend who lives in an assisted living facility because she’s afraid I will leave her there.

2)  Wanted to go shopping but was unable to process what she was looking at.

3) Doesn’t want a hired companion but wants someone.

4) She can no longer process how her decisions will affect her life. 

4) All of these issues could be solved by my undivided attention. I don’t have undivided attention to give. (Thus comes guilt and stress) I have 5 children and a husband. I don’t know how else to view her decision to want to stay with us. We can’t provide the level of companionship that would make her happy. She refused to agree to activities that would engage her. 

 We do manage to have good times and interesting things go on. But there are also long days of boredom for her as I teach and care for my children. They matter too. So, I’m not saying that her boredom is her fault but it’s the result of her likes and dislikes, her abilities and our reality. I do know that she’s clean, fed, is not falling, calm. However, can’t shower with the attention that makes her truly happy. I don’t have the time or the emotional reserves. None of this is easy. 

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s good to have activities but don’t get sucked into thinking that you can fix everything. It’s easy to feel like a failure for not doing enough. But sometimes it’s never enough. 

jile

Thank you! Your response means so much to me and although I'm sorry for what you are going through, it's so nice to hear I'm not alone. We have quite a bit in common. I have 5 children as well, although 2 of mine are out of the house and 1 will be leaving shortly. The guilt I feel is tremendous when she feels left out. My husband and I do not have a great deal of time together to begin with and we have even less now. It would just be nice if she could feel more useful and engage with someone outside of our home. Thanks again - I'm truly grateful.

Stuck in the middle

Please lose the guilt!  You are doing the best you can with the resources available to you, and do more than a lot of DILs would do.

Does your MIL like children?  Head Start has a "foster grandparent" program in which volunteers go to school half days and help with preschoolers.  They are not employees, but get a small stipend (gas money, so to speak) if their incomes are low enough.  One of my mother's friends did it for years, after her grandchildren outgrew her lap, and loved it.  Professionals taught the ABCs, and she taught shoe tying, helped serve at snack time, and accepted hugs "as needed."  It's not rocket science and there is no minimum education requirement.  

Volunteers get lots of rewards.  The kids love them, the schools love them, and the schools even have parties to heap praise and donated gifts on them.  And they know they are actually doing a good thing.  It beats the tar out of daytime TV.

jile

Thank you! She does like children and was a teacher's assistant previously. I'm super grateful for the recommendation!

RanchersWife

Jile, 

We do have a lot in common. I have one out of the house (He just graduated from college!!) and one who will be at the local college (but with lots of support because of his learning disabilities.) 

We bought a tiny house.  Cutest thing ever! She lives there. Her front door is 100 feet from mine. When you live on a ranch you can put a building wherever you want. I have cameras and we’ve worn a path between the two houses. This gives my boys their freedom and spares them from sights, smells and sounds. It keeps MIL’s days calm and she has control over her surroundings. As she declines she’s less able to self start projects: I’m currently resting in the loft and waiting for her to wake up so I can make her dinner. She’s lived here 3 years and the cost ($50,000) has saved us a lot of money compared to a facility. I sometimes think that she would have had more fun in a facility but she developed a huge fear of that. I remember a time when she paid for long term care insurance and told me to place her if she ever needed it. She cancelled that policy years ago. 

Stuck,

My husband also says there is no guilt to be had. What a great idea about the preschools! My mil is past that. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Animal shelters often need volunteers to help tend to the animals.

jile

Hi RW. Tiny house was a great idea! Excuse my ignorance, but when you say ranch, are we talking cattle? Sounds like a lot of work, but I imagine it would be very rewarding. If it's anything that has to be slaughtered, I give you a lot of credit, because I couldn't do it. I'm a part time vegetarian. My husband is a hunter, so I will eat what he kills, and I only buy meat from the store on rare occasion. I'm not against eating meat, so please don't get me wrong. I'm really intrigued by the lifestyle, but would be afraid it would be isolating. I've lived in the city/suburbs all my life, 

My MIL moved in with us in October and it was a very quick transition. We had to rent a home, as our home at the time would not have worked. My husband wanted to get a duplex or townhome,  but I was opposed, because there wasn't enough room for our boys and I thought the best thing for my MIL was socialization... Hindsight! I wish I had done more research regarding the disease and the progression prior, but it really happened quickly. Yesterday was my first post and I have read so much since, as we are dealing with her desire to drive and be independent as well. I'm trying to implement some of the suggestions (not accustomed to lying). 

My MIL does have a LTC policy and we are thinking we may need to transition her to an independent/assisted living facility within the next year. Can I asked how long your LO has had the disease? Thanks for anything you can share. I have to admit, your first response to me made me cry. When you talk about the undivided attention your LO seeks, that really hit home for me, because that is what my MIL is seeking from us. 

Hope you have a good weekend.

jile

Thank you - great suggestion! We have several options near us.