Can't understand what my mom is saying to me

John2.0.1

Mom has Parkinson's dementia. She's in a nursing home. She seems content there. She seems to get good care. She's been there about 3 weeks. Prior to that she was in the hospital for 5 months for aggressive behaviors. Prior to that she was in a memory care at an AL.

I'd say that for the last 9 months it has become harder and harder for me to understand anything that she says to me.

She speaks into her tummy. She mumbles. I'd say that she has reached the point that I don't understand over 90% of the words she says and next to 100% of the time any point she is trying to communicate makes no sense. I can't make out the words. The words that she does speak clearly enough to understand are not strung together in a phrase that makes any sense.

She really enjoys when I visit but the visits are torture to me. But she never seems to get at all frustrated that I can't understand a thing that she's trying to communicate. How can I even tell if she's actually trying to communicate anything at all or just trying to say random words??

MN Chickadee

My mother also has very few words I can understand. She talks a lot but it's all gibberish. I can sometimes tell what she is trying to say through gestures, but often it's totally unknown. Two things I have found - Number 1 is to learn to watch carefully. Watch for skin issues, signs of pain such as a faint wince or grunt. They can't tell you if they hurt so you have to keep a keen eye out. Number 2 is to just go with it. You get used to it. I like to find ways to visit that don't revolve around looking at each other trying to make conversation. I often bring a portable speaker to put music on, and something to work on together like a puzzle or something to fidget with, beads to string, old albums to go through. Even if she just messes with the puzzle or craft it's better than staring at each other. I also like to push her around in her wheelchair on the campus or take her for a drive. New surroundings gives me more to make conversations about.

ninalu

Hi John,

My mother still speaks discernible language and I can hear the words but only sometimes do the combinations of words make sense. She also speaks a combination of languages (English is not her native tongue), so much of the time I'm not at all clear what she's saying.

Like your mom, mine seems to get pleasure from sharing and talking. I base my response on her other ways of communicating: the tone of her voice, her facial expression that tells me something about how she's feeling, where her attention is, and how she is behaving (is she reaching for my hand, looking into the hallway or out the window, looking into my eyes, looking down, etc.) 

I tend to give affirmations or ask questions when she seems to be waiting for a response from me. I remember learning from Teepa Snow that even when patients lose their ability to construct knowable language, they still can participate in and enjoy the cadence of conversations; the back and forth (like tennis) of talking and listening -- and that this is a proxy for connection. Sometimes she's not particularly verbal and at those times, we still have other ways to be together (hold hands, smile and point at something delightful, look at a picture book.)

It was hard for me to lose language as a reliable way to understand my mom and her world, and I had to grieve this loss. I agree with MN Chickadee - you just go with it. If your mom is enjoying your visit, just try to be there with her in this new reality. You may find that once you stop expecting normal language that you'll observe other ways she's communicating. I know it's painful and I'm sorry for that. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Communicating with my mom has been my number one frustration.  She doesn’t understand me and visa versa.  At this point I just listen and validate. Not sure if my answers match her statement but I try.  She was a strong and independent woman who loved to help people with their well being.  A lot of the times when she has a long string of words (word salad) her facial expressions point me in the direction that works.  I just talk about whatever.  She usually seems not to understand but like others said, she enjoys the act of conversation, at times.  

The patience we learn as caregivers is immense but it means clocking time and experience with each new nuance.