Don't Want To Go Back

riajean

 This is going to sound awful, but I'm just being honest.  Drove the hour and a half to see my husband today at MC.  He was unfortunately on the commode because he was having an issue and the nurse was with him.  After not being "productive", he agreed through her that he would visit with me.  She left us saying call her if we needed her.  Well I called twice. Each time my husband would sit with me for a few minutes, he kept saying, "he had to go".  So in trying to help him I am shown all too brutally how incapacitated he is in that I have to help him pull things off and sit down which he doesn't understand.  I call the nurse.  She comes to no avail.  Nothing is happening, so she leaves and we try again to visit, all the while my husband is apologizing to me.  I tell him it's not his fault, no worries, but inside I'm grossed out beyond my ability to stay with him much longer.  The third time he says he has to go again.  I'm ready to leave and proceed to do so.  I cannot stand the grossness of real life, never have been able to, have had trouble since I was a kid, even with myself.  Yes, I've had kids and barely got through all the grossness that can come from them, but managed.   With my husband, it's next to impossible to whether this storm.

I was NOT made for this or I would have been a nurse.  It's upsetting and it's also upsetting to watch my husband's hands shake when he tries to hold the coffee I brought him.  Kept saying "use two hands", but he understands nothing.

So, his poor life must have some meaning.  There must be a purpose, but right now, I want to run fast and far in the other direction and give up the lost attempts to be with my husband because he's so sick and so compromised, it's always a struggle.  (Usually I make the best of things but end up sobbing as I leave; today was just too hard and I've wasted one hell of a lot of driving time and my whole day.)

Wish things were easier but it's a pipe dream that I alone am privvy to.  Lucky me.

Ed1937

Riajean, PWD are different from each other. Some progress fast while others go years and years. Caregivers are also different from each other. It seems some can do things that are beyond being human. Others can't even get through the very first problems. Do what you have to do, and don't worry about what someone else will say about it. We all have limits, and they are far from the same. I hope your day gets better.

Joydean

Riajean, sorry you had such a hard day, you tried, that’s what is important. We all have limitations. I agree with what Ed said, we are all different. I hope your day ended on a better note.

riajean

Thanks Ed.

riajean

Thanks Joydean.   I spiraled into dark sadness, but am hoping for a better day today.

abc123

I respect and admire your honesty. 

We are all wired differently. 

Paris20

Ria jean, there are times when I feel as you do. My husband is at mid-stage, approaching stage 6. The first time I had to clean up one of his accidents I wanted to vomit and cry at the same time. My most frequent escape wish these days involves my husband’s meltdowns, violent verbal explosions. Anti-psychotics have helped but last night I could see it was time to up the dose. He was wild, raging at his aide, at me, even yelled at our beloved elderly beagle, who is terminally ill and can no longer do what he asks, but he forgets she has cancer. I wished I could be anywhere else.

My 99 year old mother had a stroke and I arranged for all of her gare, sending her everything her aide said she needed. My husband, a retired accounting professor, fought with me because he insisted on «helping» my mother with her finances. He can’t even do first grade arithmetic. Fortunately, my brother lives near our mom. He handles the bill paying and finances. In any case, despite needing to escape from DH at times, I cannot go home to Mother. 

jfkoc

I don't think it sounds awful at all and I understand. There was a lot that was almost impossible for me to deal with.

All we can do is our best and I know you are doing that!

riajean

Because I know from being forced to stay away awhile due to the uptake in COVID, it won’t matter if I give myself a break and wait a bit before going back to visit.  I’m OK with that hoping that when I feel better I will enjoy him more.  My family keeps telling me I’m visiting for me…..not him.   Reality says that’s probably true, but he does tell me he loves me so much every time I see him.  That’s still precious.