Non-cooperative. What's the next step? I can see it coming.

Wilted

FDBF has been a little irritable and confused the last couple of days. He doesn't want to pay his bills (including rent/utilities). He wants to live in his travel trailer on his vacant land in the mountains (no utilities). He doesn’t plan on moving until the weather is better. Thankfully, his truck isn't working and he doesn't know how to hook up the trailer. He keeps going through his mail and asking about each piece repeatedly. He doesn't understand the explanation. He's unloading the shed here, getting his things ready to move up to his property but he has no place else to put his things (lots of stuff). He just piling it up outside. I suggested he prepare a place for his stuff before unloading the shed, but that doesn't register. 

His kids will be here for a visit in two weeks. We're not sure what to do as he continues to decline. 

ButterflyWings

Hi Wilted,

I am sorry you are at this crossroads. It sounds like you're observing what we all learn is "dementia 101", classic behavior for someone whose brain is unfortunately broken, and it is progressive with no cure . I don't recall if there is a formal diagnosis and/or if someone has durable power of attorney for finances/property and health matters. You need that ASAP.

The things you are describing sound like the time has passed, for someone with DPOA to recognize what my DH's neuropsych & team told me on diagnosis:"You are in charge now".

Also, you and the family members + friends who are interested should read lots of posts on these boards to understand that he can't be reasoned with or consulted anymore. He may be like my DH and many, who have "anosognosia" and truly do not know they are impaired. You will need to just work around him quickly to keep him safe and as calm as possible. Seriously. 

Have you called the Alz Assoc helpline (free expert social workers trained in dementia plus solutions). They are 24/7 and helpful for many things you may experience or wonder. Check out the "solutions" tab above near the top of this website for lots of ideas and cautions. 

Here are some links. I don't want to alarm you, but your/his situation sounds urgent.

https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/

6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia – DailyCaring

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

https://www.vha.ca/news/2021/compassionate-care-strategies-using-the-7-as-of-dementia/

Wilted

Thank you for your reply? 

Everything you said makes sense. 

At one point he was diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia. 

He will become furious with all of us, and likely turn on us if we get a DPOA. He will likely want to permanently run away (to his property).

How can this be handled? 

ButterflyWings

I'm so sorry to be blunt, Wilted. It was not my intent. Just wanted to let you know that we have been there, and you are wise to reach out to the best informed group of people living with and/or doing dementia caregiving or they have been there already and lived to share their wisdom with us all.

Yes, the anger and anxiety trap is a biggie, well do I know it. We learn here to get things done without being "in your face" with someone whose reasoner is broken. Don't ask, don't tell has been the best way for me, and many others to do what needs to be done without creating a crisis by trying to involve their LO with dementia, who just can't cooperate anymore. If he was moderate to severe on diagnosis, he already should not be living alone - so much to go wrong. 

Leaving our PWD LOs to their own devices will create even bigger and multiple crises that I could not even believe, nor did I ever imagine. In an instant. The stories you can read on these boards may never happen to you, but it sure was eye opening to see the risks and have a better understanding of why we were suddenly bankrupt, about to be foreclosed on, possibly attacked with steak knives and large garden tools when he was hallucinating (seeing and hearing things/people that were not there) and also delusions (believing things that are not real or realistic). Plus wandering in all kinds of temperatures. That left me liable for abuse and neglect, should something have happened on one of his excursions. 

Please get your DBF's kids on board asap. Someone has to get DPOA or guardianship asap. Maybe not you, once you learn what is ahead. Something to consider. This road is hard as a legal spouse. Maybe not one I would choose if I did not have the "rights" and responsibility to stay the course come what may.

***Heads up: finances, driving/keys, guns or anything that can harm him or others need to all be disappeared (I did it anonymously and played dumb when he asked). Same for removing his access to the mail. (Possibly get a P.O. Box asap). One huge insight was, you are not doing it TO him you are doing it FOR him. 

More of the members will come along with additional suggestions that worked for them (maybe not so much on the weekend). Meanwhile, the links I shared before will give you some great info and even ideas on what to try, without feeling too overwhelmed yourself. You matter too.

I would call the hotline right now if I were you. They have good ideas, know about the various dementias, and are good listeners, 24/7. Free, and nothing to lose. We are pulling for you and his kids!The Solution Center provides links to Alzheimer’s Association resources and topic sheets that can help answer many of the questions a diagnosis creates.For additional information or assistance, call our 24/7 Helpline, anytime day or night at 800.272.3900

Ed1937

Wilted, it sounds as though you are not married, is that correct? If you are not, that could complicate things if you try to get any legal papers to act in his behalf. Even if you are married, if he does not present himself as fully being able to understand and consent to legalities, your chances are limited to be successful. Others on this forum will be able to give you better information on this.

M1

Wilted, I can empathize on so many levels. My partner does a lot of “decluttering” right now that make huge messes-she currently has emptied all her bathroom vanity drawers onto the floor- but doesn’t have the wherewithal to put them back. She did the same thing in the laundry room a couple of months back, and interestingly, after telling me for six weeks that she would “get to it,” she didn’t make a peep when I finally just put everything back where it started. So odd.

The other thing I have learned is not to react to everything she says she is going to do, because most of it will never happen. The executive function is just not there, so when he tells you he’s going to run away to his property, I understand wanting to be prepared, but his ability to carry it out is in question, as you’ve said. It’s a fine line to walk.

My partner and I never legally married, so I understand that too. But I think the difference is that we had  POA’s and wills set up  for ten years before dementia ever set in, thank goodness. I don’t envy you having to cross that bridge now, but the other posters are right- you or his kids are going to have to act. Good luck-

Wilted

His kids have agreed to take DPOA. I'll continue to take care of him for as long as I'm able. He's happy here for now.

He definitely can't live on his own safely now. 

Rescue mom

I believed (I guess, hoped) DH far too long when he said he’d do (whatever), or he’d take care of it. There would be that one time out of 20 or so when he actually did. He’d get mad  if I went ahead and did it myself, so it was easy for me to do nothing. 

That was wrong, and led to some really bad, and often very expensive,  problems due to things not done. Not just inconvenient, like car trouble, but life-threatening and budget-destroying failures. It’s so hard when they seem somewhat able, and we want to preserve their pride, but the end result can be really bad—and they won’t even comprehend when it happens.

He still says he’s going to do whatever, but I know better now. Even the small, easy stuff isn’t done, much less the big things. He couldn’t follow through with anything. If he gets mad, I just have to deal with that. Now, he often doesn’t even notice or know that things were done by others. 

What was said about “don’t ask, don’t tell” is absolutely true. You just have to do it, or see that it gets done.  Even when he got mad, that was easier to deal with than fixing the big and financial problems.

Wilted

LOL, I gave up on, "I'll take care of it" a long time ago. I do just about everything around here now. I've become quite the "MacGyver".

He generally doesn't let me out of his sight long enough to call the Alz help line. I called a couple of times and they kept asking me, "...and how does that make you feel? " I didn't call to talk about my feelings. I called for advice as to what steps I need to take. Oh, well.

I find this forum far more helpful. 

Pat6177

Wilted wrote:

DBF has been a little irritable and confused the last couple of days. He doesn't want to pay his bills (including rent/utilities)

In some cases, an increase in confusion can be due to a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). These UTIs can occur with no other symptoms - so called “silent UTIs”. My DH has not had this problem (yet) but many folks have posted on this website about their LOs having the issue. And as Ed always says, if you have his urine tested, make sure they do a culture and sensitivity so, if he does have a UTI, they’ll know which antibiotic to prescribe. I know that doesn’t really answer your question but it’s something to keep in mind.

Wilted

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

Wilted

Hi ButterflyWings,

From the reading material you shared, it seems like the best approach would be to have his kids take conservatorship/guardianship, and just not tell him - just go on for as long as we can, as if nothing has changed.  

Wilted

I didn't realize an edit would have bumped the thread to the top.

Sorry about that. 

MaryG123

No apology necessary Wilted.  You’ve had a tough six months, that’s for sure.

JJAz

Not a great idea to let someone else have DPOA and have him live with you.  Especially his kids.  It may seem like everyone is cooperative now, but just wait until you need them to pay for something.