How do you know when it's time?

LeBret

How do you know when it's time to get your EO wife into a facility? So far, we are doing well enough but there have been a few incidents that might have had bad outcomes. She is bored, restless, sad, and frustrated. She is losing vocabulary and frequently says things that make no sense [often she is aware of it, but more often, not]. I've vowed to keep her at home as long as I possibly can -- but I know the time will come when moving her to a safer environment will become a necessity.

JJAz

Everybody is different in their needs and tolerances.  A common time for placement is when the LO becomes double incontinent.

aod326

DH had EO, pretty fast moving. The challenge is that as caregivers we get so used to the changes, and "dealing" with things that we don't notice. When I was starting to look at places I happened to tell someone that DH had jumped out of the car when it was moving (not high speed) and the woman said "yeah, that's a sign that it's time".

For us it was a combination of safety - even with door alarms he was starting to wander - aggression that I was finding hard, and also need for socialization. He needed someone with him the whole time and I work. Having an aide all day was an option but I thought just having one person wasn't great - even though he made little sense, he loved to talk.

I started to look in March 2020, thinking we'd make it through until December. In the end he moved in in August 2020.

From my own experience and that of others I see on here, he idea of moving one's LO to memory care is usually far worse than the reality. 

Good luck.

Ed1937

We haven't had to deal with that yet, but I always felt that it would be time when she would get better care at a facility than I could provide. She is double incontinent now, but she's still home. PWD are different, and so are caregivers.

Lynne D

I agree with Ed. The “time” is different for each PWD and caregiver.

My, HWD was last pegged at 5.5 or so on the 7 point scale. He is very content in our home and says so every day. He enjoys watching the birds, waving at traffic, The Price is Right, listening to music, spontaneous dance parties. We have family nearby and see them for an outing or meal about once per week. 

I have three hours of respite per week, and it pisses him off when I leave.

One thing that concerns me is our staircases. We have been told by the palliative care team that it is time to move. He is so content here and has not had a fall on the stairs. I am trying to be open to the recommendation, but I do not think they see the full scope of where his mind is and how disruptive it would be.

I found a cool stair solution offered my a Scandinavian company for non-code staircases, but they don’t yet have a US installer or retailer.

LeBret

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. It seems like everyday is a "new normal". I'm trying to hang-in there until she doesn't recognize me anymore, or until I can't ensure her physical safety. I guess time will tell ...

Stuck in the middle

If your wife is bored at home, I suggest you arrange a respite stay for a week or two and go fishing.  See how you and she like it.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

At a minimum, it is not too soon to shop for a MC facility. You might even make a deposit at your facility of choice so she can get in soon when you are ready.  This would be better than waiting until the situation is desperate.

Jeff86

This issue is a recurrent theme here and for good reason—placement may be the hardest decision we spouse/partner caregivers have to make. 

I think about it this way: placement becomes compelling when my DW’s health or safety is less well addressed at home, or when my health becomes significantly compromised.   Less compelling but up for consideration will be when my DW has no awareness or knowledge of our home and of me.

I also think about the greater amount of activities and social interaction that MCFs offer. 

Vitruvius

Add me to the long list of SOs here that are agonizing about placement in a MCF.  I agree with Jeff86’s criteria for placement, I just don’t know if I will be able to recognize that point until it’s well past.