I'm not sure what this is - anticipitory grief?

Ed1937

My wife and I have been together for sixty seven years. Through the years, certain things have happened that we both remember. It might have been something humorous, or just anything that ties us together. Maybe a piece of music, at a certain place. Things that only the two of us can relate to in a special way. If we talk about it, nobody else could possibly sense what we do because it was "ours".

Right now we can talk about those things, and maybe laugh or just feel good. But she is having quite a bit of trouble with her speech. Much of the time I have no idea what she is trying to say. When she gets to the point where we can't communicate, or she can't remember, it will be as though those things never happened. I'm not looking forward to it.

Beachfan

Ed1937 wrote:

 When she gets to the point where we can't communicate, or she can't remember, it will be as those things never happened. I'm not looking forward to it.

Ed, we are at that point.  I still know what happened and when.  I just keep it in my heart.  Cherish what you have while you still have it.  Stay strong- - think of you often. 

Rescue mom

I’m kind of used to how DH does not remember things we did, family, or those little special “in jokes” that meant nothing to anybody else. But I am still regularly taken aback when I’ll make some remark in passing—nothing big, just some little thing we used to laugh about—and get nothing but a blank stare. There are harder things to deal with, but it creates that loneliness that many have talked about here before. You just deal with it, like everything else.

Marie58

Ed, I can empathize with you. DH had quite a sense of humor, and for a while after he lost his speech, I could mention one of those special moments and get a smile or even make him laugh. Now it's nothing. No reaction in his face or his eyes. Sometimes he even looks away. I've stopped even trying as it's just so painful. Treasure these moments and I hope it lasts for a long time still.

Jeff86

Ed,

You describe well that special store of memories, shared experiences, code words, significant looks, and other ways long established couples have that constitutes a private, profound connection.  And along with all the terrible things AD takes away from us is just that.

To me, it’s simply part of ambiguous loss—another painful heart-breaking stop on the AD journey of loss after loss.  DW mostly doesn’t know me, never mind our history and private moments we’ve shared.

But I’m with Beachfan.  It’s not like these things have never happened.  It’s that I remember, for the both of us.  Do I grieve over the inability to continue to share our private memories?  Deeply.  But they’re not gone.  They live on in my brain and in my heart.

Crushed

Ed1937 wrote:

 When she gets to the point where we can't communicate, or she can't remember, it will be as though those things never happened. I'm not looking forward to it.

 

 I don't accept that idea I have incredibly vivid memories of DW even after 50 years.  

Whenever she wore a "long dress" to an event She loved getting extremely friendly in the long dress when we got home.  I remember it vividly 
.  It happened.   
  

 

 

 

 

  

 And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,
Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
Of you and me against the world.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWA8QpqFlIQ
 

Ed1937

Crushed wrote:

Ed1937 wrote:

 When she gets to the point where we can't communicate, or she can't remember, it will be as though those things never happened. I'm not looking forward to it.

 I don't accept that idea I have incredibly vivid memories of DW even after 50 years.  

Of course I will remember those things. But without her to share the memories with, they will have lost a lot of significance. "Us" will no longer be. It will be her, and it will be me. But it will no longer be "Us". even though I'll remember "Us".

Stuck in the middle

Large blocks of my life are forgotten.  My psychologist thought it was my mind's way of protecting me from bad memories, a PTSD coping strategy if you will.  My wife reminds me, every so often, of something we did that I had completely forgotten, and then it comes back to me.  She doesn't know what, if anything she ate for lunch but remembers things from 40-50 years ago.  I dread when that doesn't happen anymore.

jmlarue

I am so sorry, Ed. I'm feeling the same sense of loss and I know how hard it is for you. My DH and I have had 54 years of marriage and another 3 years as high school sweethearts - that's a lifetime of  inside jokes, special memories, confidences, and history. Doctors saved my husband's life 8 years ago with open heart surgery. In a small way, I'm grateful for this long goodbye. I am better prepared to suffer his passing now than I would have been then. There will be grief, of course, but there will also be comfort and peace in knowing that the struggle is over for both of us.

jfkoc

I think loss is loss and it holds hands with grief..."turtles all the way down"