my parents are caregivers, and I'm worried for their health - advice?

kimberlychatter

Hey all, I'm new to this group and looking for some advice.

My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia about two and a half years ago, right after my grandfather passed away. Since then my mother has been taking care of my grandmother, driving down 6+ hours from the Bay Area to Southern California every two weeks to stay with her in my grandmother's house. The whole experience was traumatizing for her (as I'm sure many of you know and share), with my grandmother being verbally and physically abusive, and my mom just doing the best she can. My grandmother is now in an assisted living facility up by my parents, which has made the day-to-day easier for my mom, but has still been no picnic. My grandma was moved from assisted living to memory care, but has verbally and physically assaulted various aides, calls my parents 10+ times a day, and takes everything out on my mom. During this whole time my dad has tried to be there for my mom, supporting her through her (understandable) massive anxiety/anxiety attacks, but it's taken a huge toll on both of them. My dad has gained a ton of weight, on the phone he sounds like a different person he's so exhausted, and my mom can't talk to me or any of my siblings for more than a few minutes without getting caught in another spiral of worries about my grandmother - her health, whether or not she'll be kicked out of AL, whether my uncle will try to kick her out of the trust (they're co-trustees). My siblings and I are seriously worried about them. 

My siblings and I have brought up support groups and therapy multiple times, and my parents brush it off. My mom refuses even the idea of anti-anxiety medication, and tells us she's afraid a therapist is going to judge all of her decisions. My parents say they just don't have time, which might be true, but if they keep going down this path I'm afraid it won't only lead to divorce or a separation, but irreversible damage to their physical and mental health. They've become different people, and we're terrified.

Do any of you have recommendations of how to get caregivers to get help and support? Tactics you've used, or things you've said? Or things you wish had been said to you as caregivers? What (if anything) got you the support you need?

Thankful for any and all thoughts on this.

BassetHoundAnn

I know others will chime in here with good advice. I would encourage your mom to call the Alzheimer's Association Helpline: 800/272-3900. Ask to speak with a counselor. They offer lots of great advice for caregivers, and the local chapters often have counselors and support groups that can be a great resource for emotional health as well as for navigating the problems of memory care. 

Their web site offers some info: https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/caregiver-health

I also heartily encourage you to get rid of grandma's phone. If she's in memory care and calling 10+ times a day she has lost the ability to use a phone sensibly. If she's calling your mom multiple times a day she's also phoning others (friends, relatives) obsessively and ratcheting up the anxiety in their lives. 

As caregivers my and my husband's anxiety levels dropped 90 percent once my mom's phone was taken away. Seriously. She wasn't happy about it. And she still isn't. But it's been the best thing for all of us. Once the 40+ incoherent, hysterical phone calls a day ended, and she was finally in memory care, we started to feel like we were getting our lives back. Taking her phone away made a tremendous difference in returning our quality of life. 

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M1

Hi Kim.  Yes I would agree that your grandmother's aggression requires medical intervention--there are a number of medications that could help, and a geriatric psychiatrist is absolutely the best person to prescribe.  The MC administrators may have one they work with, your mother should ask.  The other suggestions are good too, but getting her calmer and less delusional will help her quality of life as well as everyone else's.  Good luck, I'm sorry this is taking such a toll on your family.  Perhaps you could encourage your mother to peruse these boards too if she will.

kimberlychatter

Thank you all so much for this helpful advice! I really appreciate it. My grandmother has a neurologist, not sure if she also has a geriatric psych, and she is on 3 or 4 different anxiety and psych meds to try and calm her down. They're still figuring out the right dosage for everything. 

I will definitely suggest that they remove her phone. I know in the past the AL said my grandma was coming down to the front desk almost hourly to ask them to call my parents, and I wonder if that's why they eventually got her a phone. But maybe she's past that now?

I'll do my best to get my mom to check out these forums, I know I've found them helpful. She's just so resistant to any advice; it makes her feel like she's been doing things wrong and people will blame her. I registered for a caregiver support group this week and I'm going to do my best to convince her to Zoom in.