DH didn't want a funeral - I understand funerals are for the living

LadyTexan

I've often heard that funerals are for the living. DH Jesse did not want a funeral. It is definitely more economical, not to have a funeral. DH asked for cremation without a service. I followed his wishes.

I will share that I felt very unsettled until DH was cremated. I was allowed to say goodbye to him at the funeral home and observe him be placed in the cremation retort (oven). I received his ashes later that day. The urn is beautiful and I am relieved his ashes are safely home.

I wonder now, did DH's loved ones miss an opportunity to gather, comfort one another, and say the well intentioned but usually untrue and/or non-comforting things people say....for example:

1. I am happy to see you but am so sorry it is under these circumstances.
2. Let's be sure to gather more often and not wait until the next funeral.
3. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
4. I am here for you if you want to talk.

To number 3, I would like to say, turn back time 6-12 months and visit Jesse while he can appreciate you.

To number 4, I would like to say, turn back time 6-12 months and talk with Jesse while he is going through this difficult journey.

DH Jesse was sometimes estranged from one family member or another. There wasn't always harmony amongst the loved ones.

Now I wonder: Are funerals part of the process to make this all real? Or are they just an activity to perform while one is in the early shock of death?

I may plan a celebration of life at a later time, but maybe not. IMHO Life should be lived and celebrated when our loved one's are here.

I am very sad and very lost. Sometimes I sob. When I sob Hap the dog runs to me to comfort me. 

I attended a grief support meeting. I will keep going to the meetings. However, I don't feel like I belong.

Crushed

my older brother died  not long ago

Memorial services are definitely for the living.

in 1983 my beloved mother in law died suddenly at the Age of 57.  The family asked me to do the Eulogy.  I told wonderful funny stories about her and how much she had meant to us. I finished with "mothers in law need a better press agent "   Since then I have done 5 others  all as humorous as I could make them about the wonderful life the person had lived  and how much they contributed to the world.  If it comes to that I will do the same for DW.  

You can have a memorial service at nice bar if you like.  

   

Ed1937

Lady, it's not hard at all to understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately once this train has left the station, there is nothing that can be done. That train is gone, and is not coming back. The celebration of life is your decision, and what other people think, or might think, should not sway your decision. Do whatever you think is best for you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the aftermath of losing a LO. I hope God gives you everything you need to chart these waters.

Quilting brings calm

Do not fret LT.  I’ve known many couples in the last 10 years that delayed the first funeral until the other spouses death ( even if years later).  Then had only a graveside service at that later time.  That is the wishes of my parents.  Ive known others who didn’t have a service at all.    if there is one good thing to come out of the covid pandemic, it’s the reduction in size and complexity of funerals. I think  it’s so rough on the family to stand for hours in a reception line next to the casket when many of the visitors are only known to one or two family members. I also think that many survivors need those thousands of dollars the funeral costs to live in a dignified manner.

Lills

I've been grappling a long time with the decision of whether or not to have a funeral, especially since DH hasn't had contact with his former colleagues and most friends for 10+ years.  I've even made a list of the 32 friends and family who I know will come and another list of who might come. I once considered having a Private service.  I've discussed this with my son and asked for his opinion.  He said it was my decision BUT he'd prefer a funeral. 

I finally made the decision to have a "Celebration of Life"--although on my terms.    I want an informal funeral--maybe that's an oxymoron, I don't know. Although DH is very Catholic, I am not...so no mass. The pianist is a dear friend; the minister is a HS friend and will be coming from my home town to preside. I've made a powerpoint of the special memories of DH's life; the obit will ask those who come to share a memory; and the menu for the luncheon is being catered by the best in town.  It will be a time for me to thank the many neighbors and friends who DID help me along this long journey.  

My DH won't be too far behind your Jesse....

Thanks, LT, for the topic.  Of course, whatever decision you made or now make, is right. DH's sister died in November (of the same disease as DH); her husband is having a pizza get-together in May. 

Lynne D

LT, you are so right about those four things people say. I would want to say in return, screw y’all who were not present when he was alive.

Neither my mother nor step-mother wanted a service. My daughter and I went to a place special to my mom with a bouquet of flowers, and tossed each one in a creek with a remembrance of her or a wish for her on her new adventure. That gave each of us some closure.

When my dad passed 10 years ago his service was well-attended. I was very happy about him having a service because I got to meet many people with whom he worked or had a relationship earlier in life, and got to learn a lot more about him. It made me love and respect him even more.

I do not think there is a “right” way to do any of this.

White Crane

Dear LadyT, you are so right. Funerals are for the living. Since your dear Jesse didn’t want a funeral, you honored his wishes. If you want to have a memorial service or celebration of life at some point, go ahead. It may help you to gather  with friends and family and might ease some of your pain and grief.  A close friend of mine lost her husband during the early part of the pandemic when everything was locked down. She had a private committal service at the time and a memorial service about a year later. It was very nice and she said it helped her find closure.  Follow your heart. You’re in my prayers.

Brenda 

jmlarue

LT, it's going to take some time for you to find some peace and to get some physical and emotional strength back. I encourage you to take all the time you need. Planning a Memorial is no small task - almost overwhelming unless you have some others to assist you. I think it's true that these affairs are for the living, but the hard truth is that there will always be those siblings, shirt-tail relatives, and fair weather friends who were absent when your DH and you needed them most. You should never feel an obligation to ease their regrets by giving them a chance to pay their last respects. If a Memorial service for Jesse can't bring you peace and closure, just don't do it. Perhaps a heartfelt Memoriam written by you and mailed to relatives and close friends would be a suitable alternative. The ones who respond with a phone call or a card will be more comforting to you.

toolbeltexpert

Lt please do what ever you need to do without question.  A funeral is for the soon to follow crowd. As a minister now retired, I have performed many funerals. From my perspective a funeral is for many a time to reflect on our own mortality. We all go this way one time, no do overs. If I knew the person who had passed personally I could speak to how they lived the dash. That gap in between the dob and dod.  Other times if I didn't I might ask someone who did to say something that celebrated the person's life. You wrote some fine words about Jessie, he lived his dash well. One thing I never tried to preach someone into heaven, because we all fall short and are in need of the grace of God. 

Cry when you need to,but as you go thru the days to come you will find times that make you smile, swim in those moments let yourself be immersed in them. I hope none of my words do no harm, forgive me if they do. I am praying for you LT.

JJ401

You followed Jesse’s wishes. That is what matters. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

People have a way of thinking that what they want is what the deceased wanted. Ignore them.

I have thought about my funeral and DH’s. I know what I want and have told that to my children. I know what DH wants and will do my best to fulfill his wishes. I am thinking of prepaying the arrangements soon to ensure our wishes are followed. 

Joydean

LT, what ever decision you make will be the right one. You know your Jesse better than anyone and you know how he felt. In my opinion, that’s all you need to do. 

When my SIL passed away a few years ago, she had said she did not want a funeral and wanted to be cremated and stated where she wanted her ashes scattered. Which was where her beloved dog was buried! There was only a few close friends and a few family members there. My brother spoke about her and some of us shared some funny things she had said or done. She liked a glass of wine at times, so we all raised our glasses and told her goodbye! It was the most beautiful service I have ever been to. That’s what I personally want for myself. I want the few to say goodbye with smiles. 

Take care of yourself and stop worrying about what someone else wants. It’s what you and Jesse want! 

PlentyQuiet

I come from a fractious family as well. At an uncle's funeral my aunt had a supporter near her at all times. Her only task was to quickly turn conversation and help my aunt through the day. It was a similar situation where people who were absent in the before times were now needing to feel better about it. 

If you have a service try to have someone perform this role for you. Let them know ahead of time what things you simply do not want to hear a hundred times and they can help ward that off.

I'm glad you have Hap to help you

Doityourselfer

Lady Texan,  Long before Alzheimer's entered our lives, my husband stated that he didn't want a funeral and wanted to be cremated.  I followed his wishes.   Not having a service may seem odd to most people, but I and my sons were very comfortable with this decision.  We celebrate his life in our own special ways.   Do what is best for YOU.

jfkoc

No funeral here either for some of the same reasons you mentioned. My huusband's ashes are in his flight bag waiting for his next orders.

LadyTexan

Thank you everyone. As always, you help me sift through my thoughts and feelings. I am at peace because I followed DH Jesse's wishes. That is what is most important to me and my heart.

When I engaged an elder law attorney in 2019, a document he prepared for me, regarding me was an Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains. The document clearly indicates who is in charge of following my wishes and what my wishes are. The document was provided to my appointed agent and 2 family members. I am comforted now, knowing no one will have to try to figure out what my wishes are. It is clearly documented and the document has been provided to the interested and responsible individuals.

Thank you all for your support and kindness. God bless you all.

DrinaJGB

After this arduous. journey I have pretty much eschewed all expected protocols.

 My DH has said numerous times that he wants to have a green burial and no service. A green burial has to be done right away so there is not time to plan much at all.

   He practiced architecture for many years and always was concerned about sustainability and the environment. His long time mentor from Rice and former boss and later colleague on many projects had a green burial a few years ago, and DH has never forgotten it.

  I plan to buy him a plot near his dear friend if possible. There will be no service, just me (if indeed I am still walking this world), our daughter and her family. The others who have faded away so many years ago might read about it in the paper.

As far as myself I have expressed cremation, no service, and to have my ashes thrown in a Texas river---with Janis singing "Summertime", and swim forever with the turtles.

Anything goes.

Peace be with you in your time of grief.

dj

extex

LT. Right on!  You have such a beautiful way with words.  God bless you and lift your load.