Want to help Dad, he won't let me

Laurie67

Hi, I am new here and just want to see if anyone may have any advice for me. My dad was just diagnosed with ALZ in February 2022 but has been showing many signs quite a bit before this. My mother has vascular dementia and has been in AL for a year. They have been married over 60 years. She''s doing incredibly well where she is. I know dad would benefit with this type of living or even in memory care? Love my dad but he is stubborn and won''t leave his house and will not let anyone come in to help care for him. Glad my mom is in AL because he wouldn''t let anyone come in his house to take care of her either. It''s hard enough to take him to the doctor. My dad has serious back issues and doesn''t get around very well. His house is 2 stories and has steps. I''m a nervous wreck afraid he will fall. I have a part time job and my 4 other sisters have full time jobs. He refuses to come to my home. But, to be honest, he needs care. He is very insistent and will NOT talk about leaving. He has 7 or 8 stray cats that he feeds that he is very attached to and 2 inside that pee and poop all over the basement, it stinks inside and stinks outside. It''s just a ridiculous situation. I''m overwhelmed by all of it. I would welcome advice if you''ve been in a similar situation. Thank you -

Quilting brings calm

Is there a reason he can’t be in the assisted living center  in the same apartment as your mom?  Most of them have second person or companion rates that are nowhere near as expensive  as the first person.

windyshores

Change is hard for people with dementia and it sounds like any change is not going to be voluntary. You could get him to a geriatric psych.unit (by medical transport if necessary) and  they could refer him to the AL with your mother. Or is it better for them to be separated?

Have you talked with any local elder care services?   Since he has dementia, make sure that you don't have to deal with social services in a negative way (as in a report being filed).  I would ask for help from senior care, elder services or even the council on aging.

Who diagnosed him? Can that doctor help in any way? If you have proxy it can be invoked by the doctor so that you have legal right to speak and act for your Dad. But make sure you have a P of A first before he is declared incompetent.  See if you can get on his bank acct. as well.

Laurie67

hi, yeah that's what my sisters and myself  want.  We want them together but dad won't leave

his house.  He says he worked to hard for to many years to leave it.  My mother would love for 

him to be with her.

Laurie67

Thank you  for your advice and yes he needs to be with mom.  He just won't leave the house.  He keeps saying that he's worked to long and hard for it and then he says "what would happen to my cats?" I'm not abandoning them.  He's not thinking really about mom as much as she would like him with her.  He's just not thinking clearly (which is the Alzheimers) and he gets really mad if we push him on it at all.  My oldest sister has POA.  His family doctor diagnosed him.  Some of these senior things that you mentioned I didn't realize that there was such a thing.  We are all new to this stuff and if it can help, I'll definitely utilize them.    Thank you so much for your advice.  Sure appreciated.

Laurie67

I'm not sure I'm replying correctly on here.   Never done this before.

Quilting brings calm

Laurie - there is only one way to reply.  It’s not you, it is how the site works.  Replies end up at the next post of the thread, not under the post you are trying to reply to.  You will see a lot of people reply to multiple people in one post such as: 

Quilting - comment

Abc123 - comment 

Or just a general response with no names 

Laurie67

ok  thanks

Babilv

Laurie67 - have you thought about having his doctor speak with him regarding being in th AL with your mom? You might even have the doctor to write a prescription that says he needs to be in assisted living. Blessings to you and your family.

Paris20

This may sound draconian but have you spoken to his doctor about medication? I mention this because my husband was out of control, was verbally aggressive, completely unco-operative, and was making it almost impossible for me to care for him at home. He was already on an antidepressant but the neurologist prescribed Seroquel. I had read about it on these boards. It has made a very significant difference. My husband is more like his old self and he is not having temper tantrums at the slightest perceived provocation. There will be no convincing your father on any rational basis. His behavior can endanger him. Father no longer knows what’s best.

Laurie67

Thanks for your reply, well, the doctor did tell him that where he is living is not ideal for him and told him he would like to see him be in a place with no steps.  I love him so much but he is so stubborn with this.  He just told the doctor "mmm hmm" and that was it.  I knew then and there that we were going to have a time with this.  ugh wish it was easier, but we will keep trying.

Laurie67

Thanks Paris20, I appreciate your reply.  The doctor said he thought that those medications have too many side effects and my dad is currently taking meds for his back and didnt think it was a good combination.  Not sure about it.  He is a geriactric doc though.

Quilting brings calm

Laurie -  

I wonder if a couple fiblets might help. such as:

Mom could really use your help at the assisted living facility.  If you could move in there for just a few weeks until she( put in whatever works, gets less anxious, makes some  friends,  eats  better etc).  We will feed the cats for you

Or-   Dad, how about you go stay with mom while we repair ( put in whatever needs repaired in the home).  It will be less noisy and messy for you, the water will be shut off, the repair will go quicker etc  we will feed the cats for you. 

Or even a combination of both of those. 

If you can just get him in there for a few weeks, then he may find that life is much more convenient living there  

Of course, you’d have to discuss this with the facility , pay the second person rate for a month or two etc.

Laurie67

Quiltingbringscalm,  thank you.  That actually is something that I could take to my sisters and see what they think.  That might work.  Of course, we would have to check in on the financial part of him staying, but, excellent suggestion! thank you!

TB Computer

Hello Laurie:

I feel your pain and frustration.  My mom has Alz and lives at home with my dad.  Dad is angry and refuses to move to AL or let my mom go to AL.  They also both refuse therapy to deal with both of their frustrations over all this.

I wish I knew how to offer suggestion, but I feel I am in similar boat as you are.

What does he say when you suggest he go to AL with your mom?

Laurie67

My dad's geriatric doctor doesn't seem to give much information for us. He diagnosed my dad with Alzheimer's and now it just seems like they have no other advice to give. This is such a major thing and we knew that there was something going on with dad and so that diagnosis made sense. But, we are just lost as far as what to do next. As I've written before, my mom is in AL and he refuses to go. It's been this way for a year. Why can't these doctors just give us a little help when my dad is there and  tell him what he needs to do in order to just help us a little bit? We're so frustrated with this.  We are running out of funds for my mom and we need the sale of the house and property of his to start helping us to pay for all of her care and we can't do any of this unless we can get him to understand that it's top priority that he move. Yes it would be wonderful if he would go in with my mother but at this point, just not sure what to do. The funds are running low and we are clueless. We just want this doctor to give him a little push in the right direction. Is that too much to ask?  Ideally we want him to be with Mom. I asked my own personal doctor if  his doctor could write a "prescription" for him to move to assisted living just so that he would understand it's time to move.  She said that they aren't allowed to do that.  Well, a little advice for the family would be wonderful of them if they can't help us in that respect. I'm so frustrated I can't hardly sleep because I'm worried about this situation. What on earth can we do? Dad is so stubborn and he keeps saying he's not moving.  So stressful.  He needs care and we're just trying to get him that.  Sorry this is so long.

Lucy507

My mom is entering the late stages of dementia. Anyone in the forum interested in sharing their experiences?

jmlarue

Laurie - you will receive the best advice and directions from a Certified Elder Law Attorney. Since your sister has POA, she would be the logical one to initiate that. Most CELAs offer a 1 hour consultation for a nominal fee. They will be able to give advise on Medicaid eligibility in your State for your parents. At that consultation they will answer all your questions and give you a good estimate of the cost to handle the necessary paperwork to assure that someone in the family has the legal authority to place your father into care, have the power to make healthcare decisions for both parents, and the right to sell their house (if needs be). Really, I can't impress on you enough how important the advice from an attorney will be for everyone concerned. The rules and the assistance they can receive from Medicaid are complex and difficult for the average person to understand without expert help and guidance. BTW - your mother should be eligible for Medicaid now, regardless the disposition of your father. The house is protected from being sold to pay for her care so long as he remains in it. It may turn out to make more sense to let him stay (as he wants to), with his agreement that he will be willing to accept in-home help from the State Social Services. Again, all good questions to cover with the CELA.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

I agree with jmlarue. It sounds like you need someone else to help move things along with your father; I'm not sure that the doctor should be the one to do so and since they haven't yet, you need to look elsewhere. A Certified Elder Law Attorney can definitely help inform of the legal steps you can and need to take. Also, I believe there are some senior centers that have consolations that can assess living situations and the elder's needs. They might be able to find a way to "get through to" your dad.

I forget the exact term—I'm sure someone else here might mention it—but it's a symptom of Alzheimer's where the person with dementia is unable to recognize their illness or that they need help. To us, it would seem like denial or stubbornness. Just something to jeep in mind.

Dementia affects reasoning so if a straight-on approach doesn't work, trying roundabout methods might yield better results. Like as suggested saying your mom needs help with something in AL that your father is good at or likes to do. My mother likes helping others so sometimes I can ask her "I need help with this" and then she will do what needs done.

I'm also concerned about the cats but I'll set that aside since this is about your father at the moment. I sincerely hope that you can find some headway in helping him. It is a difficult situation to be in for sure. I've got my own stubborn father too so I completely sympathize with you.

mommyandme (m&m)

Cats with hands…it’s called Anosognosia

Lucy507… I think most everyone here is sharing their experiences. If you start a new thread you may get more input.  This thread was actually started in April so may not get as much attention as a new one.  Welcome to this forum, although sorry too.  I’m caring for my mom at home who’s also in the late stage of Alzheimer’s.

Laurie67

I can't thank you enough for the advice.  I feel so relieved when someone thinks of something that my sisters or I haven't.  Definitely going to do this.  I will be talking this over with my sisters soon.  There are 5 girls, no boys.  We will get together and have a meeting about the Elder Law Attorney.  Thanks again!