I'm a chicken and trying to face it

M1

I hate trying to hire people, period.  I'm not good at it, not a good bargainer, hate talking to people on the phone that I don't know.  I've had several responses to my companion ad on care.com and feel obligated to respond at least to the ones that are covid vaccinated.  Almost wish now I'd never posted it.  There is no emergency, as Jo said, and I feel more comfortable looking by word of mouth and through the local art college (got a nice response there too though finding a student during the summer may not pan out).  Even posting this serves to procrastinate.  I'm aware of my own weakness in this area.  Time to gut up.

Meanwhile we're going to try a phone call or Face Time tomorrow.  I doubt it will yield any different results.  But I did get an email from one other spouse--turns out we know lots of people in common, and she remembers my partner from her building days and even when she ran a local craft shop in the late sixties/early seventies.  At least she may be able to give me some independent reports as she's at the MC several times a week.

Seventh week now-tenth if you include the hospitalization--and I'm lonely as hell.  Emotionally this is getting harder, not easier.

TheMonck

You aren't chicken.Sounds to me like you are charging full steam ahead.

You are doing your best and like most women you have no quit in you.I admire 

you.

jfkoc

No, you are not "chicken". Likely overwhelmed, sad, angry, stressed and frustrated. There is no way on earth that dealing with a situation that is a crap shoot where even the best choice is not one you want is a killer.

A nip of Blue Saphire or a loud scream in the shower can help a lot...oh wait, you have enough land to scream outside...go for it.

Jo C.

Dear M1; you are not a chicken or even a silly goose - you are a deeply caring person who is normal for the situation that exists.

When calling someone to do a phone screening before or at a formal interview, try having a written list of questions that you ask each one IF they seem to have the qualifications you are looking for. Online interviews give more time to gather one's thoughts. Those who do not have the qualifications or experience as mentioned in your "ad," you do not have to respond to - that is time consuming and it is not being unkind. If the person reaches out on computer and you want to be kind, it is okay to simply state, "Thank you for your contact, unfortunately, your information does not meet the needs we are looking for." That is it.  You will soon develop a gut instinct when something feels right versus not so good.

Keeping a list of questions to ask, and having a notebook with a pen to write down answers if it is a telephone contact is being used is helpful.  Of course to open, "Tell me about yourself," often gleans a lot of information; if not sufficient then, "Now tell me about your experience working with people."  (I did feel concern about potential mental health issues or substance users and listened closely to, "tell me about yourself".  But then, they were coming into our home.)

If the person is sounding good, then let them know what you feel their duties will be and let them ask questions to see if they feel it is a good fit.  BIG CONCERN:  Will you be able to provide written information as to how to communicate with your LOs dementia under varying circumstances?  You may want to have that in mind too.

What is good about this, is that you have time, there is no hurry; it is not a person in your own home, it is someone for a few hours during the week in a staffed care setting.   I am very good at interviewing as I have done it for so long as part of my professional experience, but no matter how good we are, someone can give a great interview and still turn out to be a dreadful mess after the hiring. That has happened to me twice.  Awful, but back to the drawing board and then a couple of wonderful angels who were like a gift from heaven.

I am sorry for the heartache you are feeling.   Your beloved Partner and you have been so close; like a hand in a glove.  Your farm is far away from much socialization; it was the two of you in locked step removed from town.  Now the other half of that is missing and it is hard to find how to make a new way of living.  Could it be that now; being so far away from everything is isolating you even more?   Is there a way you can find within yourself to be more connected to others at this point in time?  Not easy for many of us to take those steps, but you have been so alone since this all started;  the house must sound and feel so quiet.

Sure wish you could get out for more socialization during the week.  Do you belong to a church or other group?  Those no-fee social groups called, "Meetup," are in every city and pretty much every town.  They are often just groups of both genders who get together in friendship, it is NOT a hookup or dating group. Some just meet for socialization; many at breakfast, lunch or dinners.  Some groups of Meetup have a particular interest or hobby such as hiking, books, film, etc.  Just throwing an idea out there.  You can find them for your area online.

Best of luck with the companion search, I too found not using an agency or online placement group gave me far better results, but that is just me.

J.

ButterflyWings

M1, I agree with the others - you are an inspiration in so many ways for your strength and follow-through in the toughest of circumstances on this bumpy road.

What great news about the spouse who can help be your eyes & ears at the MC. Nice that she knew your DP before dementia too. I have run into some volunteers and health care professionals who knew or had at least met my LO pre-AD— it has translated into a level of care and respect that isn’t automatic. Good for you. You definitely needed a breakthrough in this situation. 

On hiring or even just screening help, I am in the same boat. Honestly the term 36 Hour Day is so accurate. This searching for caregivers is just one more task to pile on top of our overly full plates. It is another reminder that the only one I can share important To-Do’s with, would be me, myself, or I. 

That means, the things I know I’m really good at and could almost do in my sleep, I take on first. Again and again. Along with everything else that is urgent or time sensitive. Then for those things I feel the need to think more about in order to plan properly, they can get pushed to the bottom of the stack. Where I lose sleep over them at some point lol. I would not call that chicken. Or even procrastinating for the heck of it. Just overwhelmed enough to not be able to do any better at the moment. When you can, you will. 

Quilting brings calm

M1-  you are not a chicken.   Remember Josey’s post a couple days ago about how she is still processing things after placing her spouse?   That’s where you are too.  Plus you’ve got a spouse that hasn’t eased into her new place yet.  That’s stressful for you too. It makes it hard to get motivated to do things because you just don’t feel that it is time yet. 

You don’t owe anyone anything. Take the ad down if you don’t feel ready to deal with the replies.  

M1

I think you're all right--I guess it's just too soon, and I'm just too tired to handle anything else outside my comfort zone right now.  Jo, unfortunately I think that includes socializing too,.  I know I will need to plan some things eventually, but not yet.  Just no energy and no interest.  And still too much covid--rates are pretty darn high here again, and people act like it's just not a concern.  Well it still is for me.  

Will take the post down, for sure.  I'm so wanting something to shift, but it seems there's nothing for it but to just live through it.

Joydean

 You sir are no chicken! You are a very caring person who loves his wife with all his being. You just want to make things better for her. Mostly you want to see her! And your heart is hurting. Take your time and the right companion for her will be found if that’s the answer. 

I didn’t mind the hiring process, it was the firing that got to me. 

Take your time . Thoughts and prayers for you and your wife. 

Gig Harbor

You are not a chicken. You are going through a major transition in your life and it takes time. I believe that she will settle in and that things will work out. I wish we lived in the same area. I have two wonderful ladies who spend time with my husband and I won’t be needing their services. If there is a senior center in your area you might post an ad there. One of the ladies I hired is retired. I offered $25 an hour in cash at the end of each day. Since last August they have never missed a day. I asked for referrals for home repair on NextDoor and Facebook and also asked a contractor who he liked. I have built up a pretty complete list to cover anything I need done but I have been handling all home repairs since 2014. This sounds horrible but I am making a list of things I want to do when it is just me knowing that my husband will be safe in a good place. I hope things work out for you soon.