An idea about 'death by a thousand cuts'

RobertsBrown

You are a caregiver for a person with a brain disease.  They do unpredictable and often careless or destructive things.

Every broken dish, torn photograph, pee puddle, destroyed object.....every one was another nick. Another negative reaction I had to catch before I said a wrong thing, or gave a rebuke to a mental patient who has no capacity to hear anything but the emotional content of what I was saying.  I have made a lot of these mistakes, and I was getting pretty good at stopping myself from snapping at my gal.

Being a caregiver has given me a heck of a lot of Superalone time to consider my situation, and this is what I came up with:

It's already all broken.  My spouse literally owns half of everything per marital community property, and I have no reasonable expectation that her incapacitation means everything is now mine.  I had to let go of that idea, and just accept that the furniture will be damaged, breakable things will break, all the laundry will soon be trash, and etc.  I just had to let it all go.

As a result, I actually don't snap at her when something sudden and bad happens.  it worked for me.  Just had to take all my loss up front.  The thousand little cuts all at once.

I have removed a few precious items, but not so much that our house has lost it's character, and I honestly do accept that all the 'stuff' is expendable.  It really is just stuff, after all.

Hope this helps a little.  It can be a pretty sucky journey we are on, but like it or not, here we are.

Hang in there.

Joydean

Robert thank you for sharing. It really is about the loneliness and isolation. It’s not being able to share the little thing’s that husband and wife do without even thinking. Sometimes I just want to say “honey did you see that “ (example we live in country area and early in the morning’s we watched the deer come in back field) . And now he’s still sleeping and I watch by myself. And yes I understand nothing stays the same, but I’m still here and the deer are here but dh’s not. He will be up in a while and then we start the day.I miss just not being able to have a conversation.

White Crane

When I read your post, the word acceptance came to mind.  When I can truly accept a person, situation, or thing just the way they/it is, I feel less frustrated and less angry...I give up trying to "fix" it or change it.  It doesn't mean I like the situation...I may hate it!  It just means I accept that this is the way things are.

Ed1937

Roberts, thanks for sharing. It's easy for us to get upset when things get broken or just food stained. But you're right, they're just "things".

Brenda, I agree. Acceptance is crucial.

DrinaJGB

I recently became obsessed with purging my own past. I went through all closets, boxes, cabinets and just started burning everything, including all the love letters I had written to DH before we were married,so I was the one doing the destroying and having complete control over it in the process.

  I did not, however, burn the ones from him to myself . Yet. I am waiting for the day to come when I will be able to . I could not keep those letters I had written to him when I was so desperately in love with that "other person" --who no longer really exists, and my DH does not even recall.

One by one I tossed them into the fire. Goodbye forever.

  It felt good to sit and watch the fires destroying the life I once had but no longer have. It was a liberating weekend indeed. There's something to be said about letting it all go.I have felt so much lighter since.

Carry on any way you can.

dj

toolbeltexpert

Thanks Robert for the naked truth.I realize alot of what you have written could be my dw future. When the meltdowns happen the things take the toll and it is just stuff. I have been wanting to load up the car as full as I can and bring it to the family members, b4 it's broken. But dw isn't gonna travel a 1000 miles home. I do dream of seeing my family but that's not gonna happen.

nancyj194

Robert, thank you for sharing with us how you have learned to live with a broken brain. 

The things that are broken/destroyed are truly just "things."  When they are gone, they are gone.  Like you, I have put away things that are important to me.

Our world has become much smaller, as he is no longer able to go do the things he once did. 

Mostly, I feel alone, as when I talk to him, he  forgets what I say or doesn't understand anymore. 

The things he used to do, are all mostly on me, which was outside yard work, changing the furnace filter, replacing a light switch. Well, the light switches are still not my thing. Our adult son now does that, but he's busy with his life and so sometimes I wait. 

On a bright note, the rose garden on both sides of our driveway look better than they have looked for the last few years! I immersed myself in pulling the grass out around them, trimming them, and feeding them a good rose fertilizer.  A woman walking her dog by, stopped yesterday while I was outside, to compliment me on the roses and snapdragons in the front  flower garden. She made my day. 

Sometimes it is the little things that brings back the sparkle in my eyes. 

Take care and hang in there.  

jmlarue

It's not the constant mess or destruction of things that has brought me to my knees - it's enduring the slow destruction of the once sentient human being that society expects me to care for and/or control to the exclusion of every other person in my life, including me. I would gladly throw a match and walk away from every possession if it meant a cure for my husband's demented brain. Dementia doesn't just destroy a single human being. It destroys whole families. It's hard not to think of the PWD being the lucky ones. In death, their suffering ends. Some of us survivors will never recover our mental, physical, or financial health after walking through this living hell called dementia. It is truly a death by a thousand cuts for the person with dementia and those who loved them.

marier

Hello:  I live  in Arizona and would like to know if anyone out there applied for Arizona Long Term Care(ALTC-Medicade) with out the help of an attorney and were you successful in obtaining ALTC?  Any down side in applying without the help of an attorney and if turned down then pay for the service?

My current Elderly Law Attorney wants $9,000 to complete the application and of course follow up if my DH is rejected etc..  $9,000 is a flat fee.

There of course is no guarantee that DH will be accepted for Medicade.  Placement is not possible without ALTC.  

Any suggestions would be great!

David J

Marier- You will get a better response if you create your own new topic. Go back to the Spouse and Partner main page, where all the current topics are listed. At the top of the pagebtheir is a button labeled add new topic.

marier

Thank You.  I will.