Every day it's the same two things...

bigfoot2you

DH sundowns badly nearly every day.  It starts with,  "Well, guess I better be going"    I say where are you going?  You live here..........He says he's gotta find his mother and go home to Bridgton............I always say the farm is sold and your mother has been dead for 10 years.........I tell him we have been married for over 40 years and he lives with me...........he doesn't have any memory of our life together.........he doesn't remember his children..............will he ever get it or will this be a daily thing forever??

M1

sad to say, he won't get it. You're probably better off not trying to correct him or reason with him. It's a hard lesson, but one we've all had to learn. Forgetting the current home and remembering past ones is very common. Is he on any medication for the sundowning?

jmlarue

Once the memory is gone, it's not coming back. It's a harsh reality we all need to face. It will do you no good to engage in truth-telling about people who are dead or even your marriage. His brain is no longer able to remember, reason, or learn something new. If you intend to keep him at home rather than placement in a locked memory care facility, you'll need to find ways to secure your house so he doesn't elope. For all the delusional things, the best option is to distract and redirect the conversation. "I think your Mom wants you to stay here until she comes back." "How about we go get a cold drink and a little snack while we wait?" That sort of thing. ETA: You need to talk to his psych/neuro doctor about the sundowning behavior. Meds might help save your sanity.

ButterflyWings

https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/

ButterflyWings

And this:

 https://dailycaring.com/when-someone-with-alzheimers-says-i-want-to-go-home-3-ways-to-respond/

toolbeltexpert

Bigfoot2you so sorry to say as the others have expressed that is the new reality. The others have given good advice. It's hard but we all learn to cope, thru trail and error sometimes. Keep posting there is a lot of wisdom out here, folks that have been down the rocky road and learned from it.

ElaineD

Dear Bigfoot,

From what I've read here, each 'stage' along the progression will pass into another stage.  Nothing lasts forever, it just seems like it.

At some point your DH will probably be nonverbal, have trouble sitting up or eating.   There will be new issues of course, but the sundowning will eventually go.

My son (a psychiatrist) keeps reminding me that this disease (dementia) only goes it one direction, relentlessly. 

We're at a much earlier stage.  now I schedule my husband's activities here in our retirement community.  He cannot schedule anything on a calendar, and I know what he likes.  BUT he makes other plans with people who ask him to do things, and he doesn't tell me.  So there is conflict and confusion.  He gets angry because he's scheduled for a painting class BUT he has agreed to play bridge at the same time.  It makes me crazy.  And I know this is minor compared to what others go through.

I have no serenity or acceptance these days.  sigh.

ElaineD

RobertsBrown

This is our house too.

Every night, right at bedtime, it's "I better go home now" or equivalent.

I first started explaining that she was home, we live here, etc.  Then one day I tried just ignoring her and moving on, and it is the solution over here.

"I have to go home now"

'yeah, I know what you mean.  I feel it too, let's go up.'

"Go up?"

'Follow me'...getting up, turning off lights.....

And she does.  She follows me upstairs, telling me the whole time she doesn't ever go up there.  I turn back the bed, and tell her it's her place where she's warm and safe, and she tells me she never lies there as she gets in, and then afer mauling her pillows for a bit she falls asleep.

It's beyond weird, but it seems to work.  I just agree with whatever she says, and then immediately move on to the next thing, and she ponies along while telling me she will not do any of it.

Scooterr

bigfoot my DW sundowns also about every night. Hers starts by looking out the bedroom window. She's looking for a little girl, and when a say little I mean a little girl that fits in the palm of your hand. She informs me, "I told the little girl I would let her stay at our house because she has no where to stay" Now this happens about every night.  This little girl she is talking about stays at the end of our property in a grove of trees where there's no houses or neighbors. Most of the time I can redirect her.. She takes Seroquel about an hour before bedtime. Sometimes it eases the sundowners sometimes it doesn't. The other night it was so bad and she was so upset I finally informed my wife, "I will just go check on the little girl." Now I try not to give in like this but I had no other choice. So I walked down to the end of the property and walked back. My wife was setting of the edge of the bed still very upset and I put my arms around her and I told her, "I had met the little girls mother down there and she was taking her home where she  would be safe and not to worry about her." Now that was a 50 to 50 shot fib, but it worked she stopped crying and laid down and within 5mins. was asleep. Will it work again who knows. Like I said I do not like going along with this type of situation this was my first time, but it worked. Will I do it again? Yelp.  Sundowners just adds pain on top of agony. I wish you the best of luck.