Mom can't remember she agreed to move to AL

OK2Overwhelmed

Hi Everyone. You all are so helpful and reassuring, and I'm hoping some of you can help me with this. My mom has VD, and it's basically her short term memory that's pretty non-existent. She reluctantly agreed to move to AL and now moving day is coming up. I have to remind her everyday that this is happening and we go over the same thing as to why she has to move. I try and keep it positive – I'm concerned for her emotional health, she doesn't have enough social interaction, not enough stimulation, sleeps a lot, has been taken advantaged of by scammers, etc. She does finally agree after we tell her if she doesn't like after a few months, she can move back home. She asks what would happen if we just kept things as they are. I know I have to hang in there and will move her, but it's emotionally hard to have to try and convince her everyday.

She also doesn't shower unless I really push her, and I know that won't change at AL – I'll still need to convince her without hurting her feelings. Regarding that, does anyone have any ideas? She's fully mobile, can shower herself, and I usually blow dry her hair (which she can do) and put lotion on her arms/legs (which always forgets to do).

I hope she'll eventually like it there – she's visited a friend and she's always friendly with the staff and other residents. She's sort of forgotten though, that her friend lives there.

Any ideas, suggestions, reassurances would be appreciated, especially about reminding her everyday.

One other thing – she doesn't remember how to turn on her phone. Has anyone used an Alexa to talk through? I can also call the front desk, but if they can't track her down, I won't be able to talk with her. This might be a problem when I need to take her to dr. appts. I guess I can get there an hour and half before the appt. if needed.

Thanks!

zauberflote

Hi OK-- does she bring up the move? Or are you just reminding her? It might not hurt if you just didn't talk about it until it was actually happening? Many here have done it that way; saves lots of distress sometimes. 

My mom went to AL for a few years before MC. She had not only agreed to move, she had chosen this place over the only other place in town. The first time I visited her (and a couple of subsequent times over the next few months), she accused us kids of having tricked her to get her to come to this awful place. She too had had a friend whom she'd visited there. Unbeknownst to all of us, that friend had died just days before Mom moved in, but management was not allowed to disclose to anyone except HIIPA contacts that a person had died. 

I wonder if, when you had to talk to Mom about why she has to be there, you could use one of the many fiblets others here have used. To say not that these things are all wrong with mom (nobody likes to hear that, dementia or mo), but that the place has all these wonderful things going on, her house has a problem with xyz and it's better to move out while it's fixed, or some other story that will allow her to feel better about the move. Many also, as you have, sell it as temporary.  

I don't have an Alexa, but others here have spoken of a kind of call you can make to her Alexa device without her having to answer. My mom was never good with her cell phone, but did successfully use her landline for a year or more. 

Good luck!

Daughter80

Totally agree with Z. I just moved my mom to MC 3 days ago. Telling her a “therapeutic fib” was THE BEST thing we did. We told her they were working on the apartment next door and messed up the plumbing and she had to do a temporary move while they fixed the plumbing. But it was perfect timing because I wanted to try this wonderful place out. I was only going to tell her that we were going to try this place with activities, social time, exercise classes….etc, but from advice here I decided to add the plumbing issue fib. That gives me something that is out of my control and that I can blame. When I visited the second day she was super sad saying she didn’t know it was permanent and I reassured her it was temporary.  This calmed her immediately. Then day 3 she was angry that we had put her in this place without her permission. Again I reassured her it was because of the plumbing and only temporary. She again calmed immediately. I have the power with this fib to comfort my mom. Absolutely worth it. 

I just ordered an Alexa show 8 because my mom is trying to call me with her Alexa but it is installed on my phone so it won’t work. And she isn’t able to always answer her phone. I heard the show will allow me to “drop in” anytime. We will see. 

Oh yeah. The fib was only told to her the day before since the team at her MC advised not to tell her more than this in advance so it didn’t give her time to overthink it, but also was not without any notice. She didn’t always remember it of course, but when I remind her it seems that it is there somewhere in her mind and she remembers and is comforted. 

Stuck in the middle

You got it right when you said "Mom can't remember . . ."   I don't tell my wife what's coming up (unless she asks) because she can't remember and it just frustrates her.  I am her social secretary.  Every morning I look at my file of appointment cards, wake her if necessary, and tell her "This is the day we need to . . ."

I didn't invent this method.  I learned it and much else from reading this board.  It has worked for a lot of us.

harshedbuzz

A couple of thoughts-

If you are moving your mom for safety and social interaction, it sounds like she is past a point where it is useful or kind to engage in discussions about it. She clearly doesn't have the  executive function skills to parse your logic nor the short term memory to recall the conversation or any agreement she's made. You are breaking the cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club- reasoning with a person who has a broken reasoner.

A fiblet would be more effective and gentler. It would be better to create a narrative around the doctor ordering her PT or the sewer line being replaced so she'll be staying in this fancy rehab or short-term-stay apartment until she can return home. This takes the onus of saying "no" when she wants to leave off of you.

Another consideration is whether a hospitality-model AL is appropriate for your mom. If she's to a point where she has to be pushed into a shower, can't operate her cell phone and is sleeping more this will not be a success. She needs a secure unit with dementia trained staff and dementia informed activities. AL assumes she can track the daily schedule and show up for meals and activities. There is also the risk that she will be shunned once the other residents realize she has had a cognitive shift and can't keep up with their chatter and games. My aunt was bullied in such a setting.

HB

ColetteMomko

I so feel your pain- I'm in a similar predicament and am trying to arrange this move long distance as I don't live in the same state as my mom. She forgets about the move within the same conversation. 

Using little fibs is something that one of the marketing staff at AL suggested to us as well. Unfortunately mom is still fairly lucid- she has horrible memory and minor delusions but has been able to live alone without much incident. I couldn't figure out a fib that would motivate her move that she wouldn't be able to look into.

So we went a bit more cruel route and just told her she'd already agreed to it and we were coming to town and there was no turning back. I try to reassure her that I'll be there through the process- that we are even arranging to stay at the facility with her the first night or so- but I'm already getting anger and disappointment from her.  She doesn't understand why she has to move since her home is paid off and she's comfortable. She also doesn't understand why I can't just move in and take care of her until she passes.

She doesn't understand her disease and thinks there will be a moment where she realizes it's time to move.. and she doesn't understand the reasoning to do it early while she still has some ability to familiarize herself with the place.

I've just come to terms with the fact that mom will resent me and we will have a bit of a fight to move her when we get there. 

Saya_G

I didn’t ask, I didn’t talk about it in advance. My LO wouldn’t have understood, and if she did she would not have agreed.

Her needs were more than we could do, on the way I told her that she would be living in a new apartment for a while, I never said forever or your moving in, I said she was staying for a while. 

Logic or what they need is never going to something our LOs with dementia figure out for themselves.

Hope this helps - being a caregiver is a long, hard job.

Saya