I'm so hopeless

Stori

My dad (80) has dementia. I'm trying to help my mom (79) take care of him, the finances, and the house.

I can't get out of bed because my doctors made choose between psych meds or painPp meds. I'm in so much pain I can't eat. I've lost 35 ponds since March. When I stand up my pants fall down. 

My mom can barely walk too, and she's wearing down  It's so painful to watch someone you love hurting. My dad is mean to her constantly. He always complains about her cooking and treats her like garbage. She's been deaf for thirty years and he's mad at her for that. I know it's the disease but it still upsets us. 0

No one will help us. I'm trying to help my mom but I literally can't. I'm disabled and have been for twenty years. You can't make your body heal. 

My sister has convinced my dad that he needs a puppy. We can't take care of a puppy. It's cruel that she's doing this. She doesn't even come to visit. She only calls when she needs something. She only lives a few hours away and she won't help at all. She has four weeks of paid vacation. I need surgery and she won't give us five days of respite.

My sister called and told my mom to remove her from all the bank accounts because we're going to hurt her credit. She's living in a house my parents paid for. She says taking care of my parents is my job because I'm single. 

I'm single because I knew I couldn't take care of anyone else. I'm not saying she should do it all, but she refuses to do anything. 

My heart breaks every single day because I can't help my mom enough. I fall asleep in tears and wake up shaking. 

I don't want to be a bad person but I'm always grouchy now. My blood pressure is so high my kidneys are failing. There's no dialysis locally. I'm scared I'll die before they do. 

We're not even at the harder part of dementia progression. I know it's not supposed to be easy but it's so hard already. 

I love my parents. I'm trying as hard as I can but it's not nearly enough. I don't know what else to do. 

Thanks for listening. 

M1

Stori I am sorry you are feeling so bad, physically and mentally.  Sounds like you are doing all you possibly can, and I would try not to let your sister "get your goat," though I know that's easier said than done.

I wonder if your local Council on Aging could help.  Might be worth a phone call if you have the energy.

We are always here to listen.  None of this is easy, and I'm sorry for the toll it is taking on you and your family.

Wilted Daughter

Stori,

What I have learned is: You can't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself. Selfcare is first if you are able to assist or help anyone (family, friends, etc.) after taking care of self that's a bonus in life. We should serve others. 

If you are unable to get help from your family, friends there should be local, state, federal agencies that may be able to assist. Example, in the state where I live the Executive Office of Human Affairs (state agency) has a list of programs to help elderly, disabled. Agencies like: 

AARP (800) 449-1172

ALZ Assoc Helpline (800) 272-3900

Center for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) (800) 633-4227

*Local senior centers

All provide varying levels of information regarding available assistance to disabled persons, elderly. 

As far as your sister...let it go! Thinking about what she can do but does not do is not helpful to you. Her offering of bad advice is something you may be able to discuss with others to learn ways of addressing. If you have helping with the financials, think about Durable POA for both parents, adding your name to bank accounts, Health Care Proxy... to prepare for decisions down the road. 

May your physical/mental pain ease with time. Have faith that you will have all the energy, resources you require to help your parents and that someone will be there for you when you need help!

PEACE

ColetteMomko

What you are enduring is so hard and such an outcome of our crappy healthcare and long term care support we have in this supposedly advanced country. My heart truly breaks for you and hope you find a way to respite soon.

I have a brother who also refuses to help, though unlike your sister, he does help financially.  I just chose to accept it as I am not sure he'd be much help if he did show up.

At any rate, I agree that you can't help anyone until you help yourself. It feels like it might be time to see if your parents can go to a facility. If they have too many assets for Medicaid, then move them into a spend down facility. Regardless, I'd start applying for Medicaid now even if you're rejected the first time- just to get in the system and know when you might be eligible. It can definitely be hard as most people want to age in place, but at least you know there is someone present in case of any emergent issues.  

May flowers

You are doing all humanly possible in your situation. I don’t have anything to add to what others have said. I pray something manageable works out soon for you and your parents. The lack of support from other family members is frustrating, I know, we have dealt with some of that. We get lots of thanks but so far no hands on help.

(((Hugs)))

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Hi stori. I'm glad to see another post from you, I've been thinking about you. Sad to see not much has improved since the last time. I'm so sorry you're still going through a difficult time. Hopefully there's a suggestion here that can help direct you into the right direction.

I'm not sure if it's applicable, but have you thought about a third party guardianship for your dad? I don't know much about that but it might be an option for you since you're struggling to care for everyone. It can be costly but if you find the right CELA, I'm sure there's an affordable option out there.

((Hugs)) I wish I could help more.