We're not married! - it's getting too hard

T. Slothrop

I surprise myself, that this seems to be the back-breaking straw:  "I can't believe we are married.  Do you have any documents to prove it?"

I know I promised (46 years ago) to stick it out, thick or thin, sickness or health; and I feel like I must, for the rest of the family, keep her here, available for them.  But god darn* it, it's really hard to imagine going on like this, every day, for what could be 15 or 20 years more (we are 72 and healthy).  

I am sure MC is in her future, but I guess I thought it was years away.  I realize it will not be a panacea; but I think it will be some relief.

Ed1937

I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm not trying to talk you out of placement. Only you know the answer to that. But I wonder if a week or two of respite might help? I think there are times when we just get too overwhelmed, and a break is overdo. On the other hand, when the time comes for placement it is usually best for both of you. One thing is for certain. You have to take care of you first.

Crushed

IMHO you can only be married to a person  who can know they are married to you. It's a partnership.  This is not a "sickness"  it is the slow death of the brain.  Everything we know and are and believe is in the brain.  The rest is just support system.    Somewhere between 3 and 4 years ago I realized my wife had left me and was not coming back. Everything that made her the wonderful woman she had been was gone and ever coming back .  My responsibilities for the wreckage left behind did not end but my marriage did.   

I can say very clearly that DW and I agreed on this concept of marriage many years ago.    

Stuck in the middle

T. Slothrop wrote:

  

I am sure MC is in her future, but I guess I thought it was years away.  I realize it will not be a panacea; but I think it will be some relief.

If she doesn't even know your relationship, she is already in memory care.  It is being provided by you and whatever help you have.  I am in the same situation.  My wife knows who I am, but she hasn't been a wife to me for some time.  She's just one of the people I take care of.

When you are ready for help providing MC, you will be ready to place her.  Your family can visit her there as readily as at your house.

Jeff86

Well put, Stuck.  

T-man, you are being confronted with ambiguous loss.   Your DW is both here, and gone.  The psychic pain of this loss for you, as her spouse, is intense.  Alas, that’s how it is for pretty much all of us caregivers whose spouses no longer recognize us as such.

And yes, it does go on, and on, seemingly forever—the proverbial long goodbye.

I think Ed’s suggestion is a good one—respite care to give yourself space to regroup, and if after respite ends you resume feeling overwhelmed, it may indeed be time to consider sharing the caregiving burden with a MCF.

Yours in complete sympathy.

toolbeltexpert

T  I am there with you. It takes some getting used to when you've been together 40 plus years. But the last month or more for me it has gotten more frequent day by day. Do you have a paper that shows that? I heard that a bunch lately. I find if she sees any wedding picture, that can trigger it. Dw has already lost? our wedding album. She just found the pictures that my mother took at our wedding. Those have been locked up. I think about the need for placement alot, so much so I am on the waiting list for the mc I want her to go to, if the need arises. My words are not  any comfort, but I can emphasize with you, not knowing how long this can go on keeps me thinking I have to do the best to take care of me. I look for any 5 minutes, take lots of deep breaths. This is tough stuff.

Joydean

T, I hope you will take Ed’s suggestion and try respite for a couple of weeks. You need some time to get away, do something that has nothing to do with Alzheimer’s for a short period. It could do you a world of good. It could also help you to know if placement is the answer. Only you will know when it’s time. But try to take some time for yourself.

T. Slothrop

Stuck: very well put.  She is already in MC, it’s just that I am the provider of it. Thanks!

Arrowhead

I was in a similar situation. In trying to convince my wife that we were married, I showed her a marriage certificate copy, but she still didn't believe it. She probably still doesn't know it, but at least she now accepts it when I tell her that we are.

Emmettlee

My bride of 22 years has been in MC since Christmas eve day 2021. She was diagnosed in 2014.

 She has questioned if we are married on several occasions but now thinks another (male) resident is her husband.

 It's a much longer story but all I can write and not break down.. I know it's the dementia but still hurts

Lee

jmlarue

Lee - My heart hurts for you. The cruelty of dementia just has no bounds. Wish I could give you more than a virtual hug. You certainly do deserve one of the bear-hug variety.

Emmettlee

Thank you, virtual hugs count.

Lee

Joydean

Lee if you think a virtual hug helps, I’m sending you some too! Please take care of yourself. This road from hell is so very hard and sadly there is no u turn available. 

Crushed

just for humor (I've told this story before )

Years ago DW  came down  to breakfast and asked

Did I have sex last night?  

Me YES

DW Was it with you ?

Me  YES

DW  good....I was worried