When she's afraid

RobertsBrown

 

I came downstairs after taking a shower.  I found my wife naked from the waist down, sitting in a laundry basket, and very frightened.  She said something about people coming and taking everything and not leaving, some word salad, and something about the dogs.  I got her calmed down, cleaned up, and then went to work on cleaning up the floors.

This got me thinking about fear and hallucinations.  I think there is no real difference in how I should handle subjective fear over objective fear.  It really does not matter if the scary thing is what you and I would call unreal.  If it’s real to her, then it’s real.  Fear doesn’t want cold logic, it wants comfort and affirmation, and protection.

I prefer hugs to drugs, and I spent a lot of today reassuring her that we were a team, that I was not going anywhere, and that we both needed to work at protecting each other.

At the end of the day, she was happy and comforted, and calm.  This may be my most important job as caregiver.  Just to be good and reliable company for my poor lost girl.

M1

Your patience and forbearance are amazing.  I lost my partner to aggression and confusion at an earlier stage than you are coping with.  I don't know if I could have done what you are doing.

White Crane

RobertsBrown, your post brought tears to my eyes.  You are a compassionate and loving caregiver and your DW is blessed to have you.  You are so right that it makes no difference whether the fear is real or only in their minds.  Fear is fear and needs to be comforted.

My DH is growing more fearful as times goes on and his disease progresses.  He looks to me to explain the world to him.  Even an unexpected noise can leave him cringing.  I try to give him lots of hugs and reassurance.

Joydean

Robert my heart goes out to your wife. Their fears are real to them. My husband was trying to tell me last night about being so cold. He has a really hard time just trying to get words out. He said he was so useless he wanted to just die. Because he couldn’t tell, I asked him to show me where he thought the cold was coming from. I got him in bed and he was trying to point where all the cold was. He was pointing at the clock on his wall. I told him I can take the clock down, he said no, just kept pointing at the wall so I told him the dining room was on the other side of the wall. I could see  him starting to relax a little. So I gave him a big hug, pulled his covers up around him gave him a kiss and told him how much I love him. He asked how can you love me when I can’t do anything. Be cause love never stops. He said okay and fell off to sleep. I don’t understand why he thought the clock or wall was making him cold but it was real to him so for one night that fear was gone .  So many everyday things can be fearful. 

It’s so hard just trying to know what the fear is and sometimes he can’t tell me or show me but just letting him know I’m here for him and I’m trying and I care seems to help sometimes. 

Robert I love the way you explained and your attitude. You are a very patient and caring person. 

toolbeltexpert

Robert that's skill. Living in their world is what we need to do. Wish I could have kept my dw home, it was elopement and self harm that and the fear that what if something happens to me, those things guided me to placement. It is different for everyone, but what you've done is a great example for those that just joined.  

Stewart 

Ed1937

Roberts. you're doing a masterful job. I agree that empathy and love can to a looooong way.

Jo C.

RobertsBrown; what an amazing blessing you are to your dear wife.  Your Post has touched me deeply and your message is very, very important to all of us.

You have been doing this for quite a long time.  May I ask what you did in your profession before you left it to be a fulltime caregiver?  I see you live in Snohomish; I have been there, it is such a beautiful place.  Do you have services close enough to meet the needs as they evolve? 

Your insight is golden and your wife is wrapped in the protective warmness of your deep insight and understanding.

Thank you for sharing, and I wish you well,

J.