My mom says I'm stealing her money and wants to go back home!

mrs. Carrillo

My mom is 82  and probably in the Stage 5 Dementia. Because she can no longer live alone she   has been living with my husband and I for over a year.  She still has her home that  we grew up in and for the past year I , who am her Caretaker,  take her back at least once or twice a month. She is always angry, accuses me of taking her money, and wants to go back to her house. Basically she does not like me at all.  My question is should I stop taking her back home?  

dayn2nite2

Absolutely STOP taking her back home - it's just keeping her in that loop.

M1

Agree, I would stop.  Serves no purpose except to exacerbate your difficulties.  Make excuses if you have to--being repaired, being painted, road is closed because of storm damage, you'll have the neighbors check on it.

CodyW

Yes, stop taking her back.  The visits are counterproductive, and only serve to remind her of what she has lost.  M1 gave good advice to just make up one excuse after another.  

Securing and insuring an unoccupied house can be a challenge.  A separate post on that issue might help.

Jo C.

Hello Mrs. Carillo, you are trying your very best to do what is best for your mother and striving to be kind; many times it is not easy.  All of us here learn as we go along on the caregiving journey when we are new to the ever changing behaviors and dynamics.   I certainly did a lot of my learning the hard way and that is an understatement.

Your kindness in taking your mother to visit her home was done with the best of intentions. Sadly, that has not gleaned positive results.  Due to the damage within her brain, your mother's dementia has affected her ability to be able to reason and use logic or adequate judgment; she now works with how she "feels" and acts out on those feelings.  The visits to her house causes much angst and anger for her; she is unable to process the dynamics appropriately.  

It is in all probability now time to let go of that visitation as it only causes upsets.  As M1 has suggested, if your mother asks or demands to be taken to her house, using a fiblet which is actually a "therapeutic" fib, will be helpful in making an excuse why this cannot be done. Then refocus her onto something else.  It is not a plus to continue such house visits any longer and only causes your mother agitation.

As for being blamed for stealing; that is not at all unusual.  I too experienced that with my own mother and it was extreme and frequent. Even though I knew the reason for it, sometimes it was still hurtful.  One cannot argue or explain; our Loved One (LO) does not process that; again it is only about their immediate feelings. Delusional thinking (rigid false beliefs) are as real to our LOs as the chairs we are sitting on. Simply threapeutic fibs when necessary, and refocusing is best.  Learning to let go and let such blame dynamics waft away from us is the best way as frustrating as that can be. This dynamic will eventually pass, but it takes awhile.

Also, Cody mentions something important. Even though your mother is no longer in her home, it is still important that the home continue to be insured.  You may want to do a little research regarding this if no one is actually living in the house.  Sometimes insurance will be a bit different if there is no one in residence over a long period of time. Should there be a fire or other damage, having that insurance will protect the asset.

Let us know how you are and how things are going; we here certainly do understand the challenges.

J.

mrs. Carrillo

Your responses are so much appreciated, In my heart I know it's the best thing to do.

Dulce De CoCo

Hi, I would stop taking her to the house, unless she is asking to go. My mom accused me of steeling her money in the beginning stages. We would look for money she was missing and would find it. Not liking me either until I asked mom, who is caring for you? She say me. Who gives you baths-same replay, who feeds you-same reply, until her face soften and realized she was being mean.

Quilting brings calm

My step-dad complained about the assisted living(AL) for a couple years. Not because there was anything wrong with it. It was because he maintained that he and mom could live in a house, maintain it and take care of themselves. They couldn’t or they wouldn’t have had to move into the AL in the first place. They didn’t even have a home to move into as they’d sold theirs and moved out of state. We had to move them back due to a medical emergency. Loss of independence is hard to deal with.

He’s also paranoid about ‘his money’. Money that he moved from their joint account that I could write their checks on to an account only in his name. Money that was needed to pay their bills. It was a battle for a long time until there was again enough money in the joint account and I quit trying to convince him to pay bills out of ‘his’ money. No matter how many times I showed him the checkbooks and that all withdrawals went for their expenses, he was just a pain about it. It’s just one of the symptoms that people can have- not all do.

Mom knows they are where they need to be. She was always the one that paid the bills before. She was happy when I took it over and she’s never once accused me of anything. Her only question is if they have enough to stay where they are. Which they do for a few more years.

I would quit taking her ‘home’. It’s just reminding her of her loss of independence.I’d work on getting POA so that you can sell it, and store the funds for her later care.