Mother with early stages of dementia, doesn't speak English

galdemicheva

Hi All,

My husband and I think that my mom cannot live along due to dementia. She acknowledge that we take a good care of her but complain that she is bored (she doesn't want to read, watch TV, do puzzle or craft) and feels like she is in jail. She ask almost every day to send her back to her native country where she can speak the same language as everyone else, walk everywhere and was living before having dementia. She say that she'd rather live less but happily.

She 'knows' that she has memory problems but doesn't want to talk about it and get very upset saying that she is like every other adult of her age (she is 76yo) and I lie. I should mention that I don't think that her logic is really affected yet, she is in early stage of dementia.

Should I send her to her home in another country or force her living with us?

Thanks for caring enough to read and I'm hoping for some suggestions.

towhee

Galdemicheva, welcome to the forum. First, does she have a definite diagnosis of some type of dementia from a doctor?

I can understand her wanting to be with more people that speak her language, social activities are important. Is there any possibility of finding people her age who speak her language for her to be with?

Even with early dementia, the ability to reason can be affected, especially when it concerns subjects that cause anxiety. I would stop mentioning memory problems.

As to going home, you must have had a reason to bring her to live with you. Dementia gets worse over time. For her to go home, she must have a support system there, relatives who will either take care of her or see that she has people who will, or a good facility for her to live in that will take care of her, with relatives who can step up as necessary.

galdemicheva

Towhee, thank you very much for the response.

Mom was diagnosed by a neurologist and definitely has memory problems. She is in Medical Daycare with people she can speak to a few hours 3-4 days a week. But she make sure to show me that she doesn't want to go there (but when I tell her to stay home she prefer Daycare). She always have been living along and without any interest in having close friends. She won't have any real support (relatives, close friends) in her home-country, just government provided care.

I face 2 main problems:

1. She is bored here (no hobby and I cannot entertain her all day long every day)
2. She doesn't remember how bad it was (she begged me every day to bring her here) and think that with social worker's help she will have same life there as she had before dementia.

If I tell her that she cannot go back she will make my life miserable crying every day and blaming me for everything. Maybe she will be happier in her own home???

harshedbuzz

Hello and welcome-

I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found us.

To your opening statement, "My husband and I think that my mom cannot live along due to dementia. ", it's hard to say. Assuming Alzheimer's, a person can live 10-15 years with the disease which progresses through stages until the PWD needs 24/7 care and is doubly incontinent, has lost most speech, can no longer walk and needs to be hand-fed. Vascular dementia tends to progress more quickly.

One concern I would have is the quality of care to which she would be entitled in each place. If she stays here, does she have Medicare? Do you have a sibling in her home country who is willing and as capable as you to advocate for her?

Most PWD lose the ability to entertain themselves. Even if they can decode written material, their short term memory makes it difficult to follow plot lines from page to page. This happens with TV and movies although some PWD will enjoy rewatching old shows they know very well. My friend's mom enjoyed puzzles until very late in the disease process, but her daughter had to swap out her former 1000-piece puzzles for simpler ones intended for young children. Music might be a way to occupy her.

HB

MP8

Hi, Galdemicheva. Your mother sounds like mine.

My mother is also from another country, although she has lived in the U.S. now for over 30 years. She also lived alone for about 20 years, after my father passed away. Last year, she moved from the West Coast, where there were also many people from her native country with all of the cultural, culinary, and other activities that go with it, across the country to live with me in an area where people from her country are not so common.

It's been a tough move. Like your mother, mine is often unhappy at the loss of familiarity and independence. She complains about the loss of freedom (no car or license, thank goodness, since we sold her car before moving and I made sure she got only a state ID here), her being unable to restart her business, etc. She is also bored but refuses to attend any activity programs or do much of anything else ("with old people" - she's 90 herself but doesn't think SHE'S old). She also says her "memory problems" are like everyone else's.

I'm not sure how long your mother has been with you, but it's taken over a year for mine to more or less settle in.

She still complains and is unhappy but I just let it go. She will say things like, "I'm going to move back to the West Coast/get my own apartment," etc. I've learned just to say "Okay, Mama." She can't do the planning and execution, so it's just words.

She says, "You're really something" (sarcastically), "you're really weird," "[something I do] is not acceptable," etc. I've learned to say, "Yup."

She has accused me of throwing her things away (I have: food that's gone bad, junk mail that's piled up and is blocking her path in her bedroom, etc.) and I just pretend I don't hear. Or, if it's something that she's misplaced, I find it for her.

I've learned that she's not going to be happy, not matter what.

I did seriously consider moving her back and into assisted living in her previous area, but after talking to friends (same culture, so they understand the cultural standards + they have parents in AL), I've decided it's not a good idea. There's too much that I would still need to do to help, even in a facility (if she falls, needs additional care, companionship, etc.) to have her so far away, and she's not likely to be happy, anyway - or even happier. The one thing I wish I could find is a facility where someone speaks her language, as her English is becoming poorer as her Alzheimer's progresses, but so far, no luck. Right now, she is continuing to live with me, and I'm developing tougher skin.

On the sadness/moods, have you asked her doctor about medication? My mother was having lots of angry outbursts and once tried to hit me with her cane. Her doctor prescribed some meds and that has helped a lot - in fact, even her general negativity has decreased.

On my front, I've found counseling very helpful in letting go of some of the guilt and the trying to make things more perfect than they are going to be. Helps to have a therapist who understands the cultural background - your own or a similar culture, in my experience.

Hang in there.

galdemicheva

Update. My husband told me not to even think about mom going back. End of the story. Just come up with a couple of phrases to use depending on the situation. It made it much easier. At least I am sure I'm doing the right thing.

MP8

I was almost crying reading your respond. It does seems like we are in a very similar situation (except that my mom doesn't want to take any pills and her physician declare her free of dementia). Would it be expectable for you to exchange phone numbers or emails to share useful information?

Thanks to everyone for your responds!!! I feel your support! As sad as it is it's so good to know that I'm not along. Many, many thanks.

Marta

Galdemicheva: can you obtain some audio books in your mother’s native language (is it Russian?) so that she hears her language spoken? It’s possible it may satisfy a need.

I am also not a native English speaker, and find myself seeking out movies in my native language (Dutch) to satisfy my need to hear the language of my youth. Just a thought.

galdemicheva

Marta, Thank you for your suggestion. My mom decided that she have read enough books and watched enough movies. We used to watch figure skating together so I started to play that on YouTube. Now I wish it would last :)

MP8

Hi, galdemicheva.

Regarding the medication, my mother hates taking medicine (or even vitamins). She doesn't know exactly what she is taking. She is okay with a couple of medications she has had for years (pre-dementia) - thyroid and eye drops for glaucoma.

When she moved in with me, we had multiple doctor visits to make up for all the care she hadn't been taking and we found she had very high blood pressure. She refused to take medication at first, saying if she dies, she dies. It took me, my brother, her doctor, and a physical therapist explaining that she could have a stroke and NOT die and her remembering a friend who had suffered the after-effects of a stroke for years that she agreed.

Now, any medication I give her save thyroid and glaucoma eye drops is for "blood pressure." It has allowed me to give her Zoloft and Claritin, both of which have made a huge difference in our daily lives. (That's right; my mom preferred to sniffle her way through life, going through boxes of tissues and coughing than to take an antihistamine.)

I used to have a hard time with fiblets but am getting better with them.

I will send you a direct message later.

elhijo

galdemicheva,

I don't know what kind of TV you have, but I have the Roku video player. It's a little device you can hook up to your TV, even if its an older one. I don't advise buying the new Roku TV which is a TV all on its own, unless you want to spend a lot of money. The good thing about the Roku is that you can stream all kinds of stuff on your TV. Certain Amazon or Netflix movies have subtitles in many languages. This may help when mom decides she wants to watch movies again.

My mom isn't a native English speaker but we watch YouTube videos as she gets tired of movies too. She likes travel videos. And YouTube has a feature where it will generally translate videos with subtitles into many languages. It doesn't translate all videos but I've seen it translate a good bunch of them. My mom speaks Spanish so I choose Spanish, but they have like 30+ language. You don't need to buy the extra YouTube package for this. Just once the video starts playing click on the wheel icon, right next to the CC icon. And then click on Subtitles. From there you will have a lot of languages to choose from where you can get the video in a different language.

Best of luck