Vent: I can't handle how rude the disease is to my father

LittleVolcano

Vent: Just got back from a Mother's Day visit. Mom (LO, moderate dementia) was sweet as ever to me, my husband, and our dog, but many times when my Dad (primary) speaks, the dementia makes some rude, snappish comment at him. Whenever I try to have a discussion with Dad that can't include Mom—conversations I try to have over text so Mom doesn't get triggered, but sometimes I just want to ask Dad a quick "dad question"—Mom will repeatedly interrupt with [the wrong] answers to my question.

I know it's the disease, but I can't handle it. I feel the need to protect Dad. And the reverse is true too. If Dad is exhausted and his patient is spent and he snaps back at the disease, I feel the need to protect Mom.

I don't know if we're allowed to swear here, but I f***ing hate this disease and what it's doing to our family and sanity. Mom's not a danger to herself or others, so she'll be staying at home with dad until something changes. Dad isn't ready for caregivers coming into his home, so that option is out for now. I help out three days a week, mostly keeping Mom away from Dad (for his sanity and my own).

No advice necessary. However, similar stories with solutions that worked for you are welcome. :)

harshedbuzz

Little Vocano-

IME, older people, even those without dementia, can be less resilient to stress in their lives so you are right to be looking at how your dad is coping. There may be ways in which you could support him in his job as caregiver if he is open to that. I know men of a certain generation aren't great at taking advice from daughters so it might be a hard sell.

I posted on the thread "Helping Dad" just now about my experience with this. I won't repeat myself, but perhaps there's something in that wall-of-text you could use.

I would also keep an open mind about placement.

You said: "Mom's not a danger to herself or others, so she'll be staying at home with dad until something changes."

You can't really know that. She doesn't have to be biting and kicking to be impacting the health of her primary caregiver. I explained this in "Helping Dad" as well. If your Plan B is a MCF should dad die first, maybe you should gently explore that option with him now.

You also said: "Dad isn't ready for caregivers coming into his home, so that option is out for now. I help out three days a week, mostly keeping Mom away from Dad (for his sanity and my own)."

This is a mindset that responded very well to a tough-love approach for me. My mom was adamant about not hiring help despite floundering. I was able to help some, but she was loath to spend $30/hr to get a break. I understand the reluctance given that he'd made some disastrous financial moves earlier in the disease, but she wasn't keeping up on her own care. I finally told her I wouldn't cover for her if she didn't get help in. I would cover him for doctor's appointments but not the hair salon. I will deliver you a food order and cooked meals along with your prescriptions, but I will not sit with dad so you can duck into Talbots after you pick up your scripts.

HB

LittleVolcano

Thanks for the input, HB.

Yes, it's frustrating, for sure. I'm helping as much as I can...within reason. My own health started to falter, so I started doing more for myself. Dad's not opposed to MC at all (neither am I). He's just not at a point where he's fed up and can't handle the slings and arrows. And they still do have good times—not often, but enough to recharge him. I actually looked into a local MCF and they sounded so perfect, and they probably are—which is why they cost $13,000 a month (for a shared room. $16k for a single). My parents don't have LTC insurance, but I think they'd have enough for another, more affordable, local facility in the area, should it come to that. I think Dad's reasonable about when it will be time. He's still mentally and, for the most part, physically solid.

This post was mostly me just having a hard time watching them be contentious with each other. They never were when we were growing up—at least not in front of us—so it's hard for me to watch. But I've been taking care of Mom this weekend while my Dad is up at their cabin doing some much needed repairs, and I kinda see how different it is being the target of the disease as well as being the one who has to be firm with someone with dementia (I've been helping out for years, but the disease is just starting to turn on me on occasion. Not often, thankfully). I need to work on not getting triggered by their interactions (it's the disease vs. frustration and hopelessness, NOT Mom vs Dad), because I'm having more of those contentious moments with Mom myself, so I'm understanding better.

Whenever Dad goes up to the cabin to do stuff (and get a break) the first text he sends me when he arrives is that he arrived safely and that he misses Mom already. Until I stop hearing that, I will step in harder. But this is his wife and he's taking good care of her right now (along with me and my brothers). I'm going to try not to wedge my way into something that doesn't need me too. If Dad passes first, I have my rough ideas of how to care for Mom, but am not opposed to any of the available options if that's what's best for her.

Thanks again for chiming in! Big hugs to you and your family as well. :)