How to deal with partner's denial

AnderK

My life partner has cognitive and physical decline. Has fallen 3 times in 2 weeks. Refuses to do PT. Complains that I am "making" him do drs appts. We have a sailboat that I got into the water and the slip (a function he has done alone over the last 36 years). He thinks he can put on the sails, a memory from a better time, when he can hardly walk up the stairs from one level to another. I am working with friends to help with the boat tasks. He tells me to lighten up, that I worry too much.

He will not use a walker. Just doesn't want to. He insists he can go to the boat himself. He can't acknowledge that a more disastrous fall...broken bones, concussion...has more implications in terms of his care. That I just worry too much. That I have no sense of humor when he makes light of our situation (and he is right, it isn't amusing). And this is mild cognitive impairment? How do I deal? We are changing meds as per dr appt yesterday. I am at a loss. And scared to death. He is 75 and I am almost 72.

And I am so tired. Anybody have words that can help me to talk with him? Or do I let him go, and hope he comes back to me. I am tired of crying in my living room in the middle of the night once the partner that I had has gone to sleep.

Selfishly, I feel my life is over, yet I will try to care for him in our home as long as I can. I am just at a loss.

Thanks for reading.

K

M1

welcome to the forum, though i am sorry for the situation that brings you here. Getting yourself educated about dementia will help a lot. You need to read about anosognosia: this is much more than denial, this is true inability to recognize deficits, and it's very common (70% of so of those with dementia have it). So unfortunately, it's not something that you can reason with him about. In fact, trying to "reason" with your loved one--though you are used to doing that in the past--is generally not something that will work now. You have to find other ways, including fiblets or little white lies if they are necessary to keep him safe. For example: if the boat is too dangerous (and it sounds like it is), it needs to go away: can you make up a story that it's broken, needs repairs, something that will take a while/all summer?

There are some forms of dementia that come with more frequent motor problems than others--Lewy Body dementia comes to mind, my sister in law had it and the presentation was almost entirely motor. Parkinson's is another, or normal pressure hydrocephalus (which can be reversed sometimes). I'm just trying to think of reasons why he may be falling. If he's early as you say with mild cognitivie impairment, there may be something else going on regarding the falls.

Good luck, I'm sure others will chime in. Hope it will help to know that you've found a good place for moral support here.

frankay

Anderk - I had a similar situation with my DH several years ago, wanted to go out on the boat when he had difficulty with walking and balance and not able to be a safe boater. Our bigger problem was he wanted to go swimming and what would happen if he fell in the water. I asked the neurologist "Will he remember how to swim"? "Good question, " he answered. Needless to say I would not let him get in the water. The boat issue disappeared at the end of summer because by the next summer he didn't remember he had a boat. I agree with M1- a fiblet that the boat needs to be taken out of the water for repairs that will last all summer or longer i.e. parts are hard to get, can't find someone to work on it, etc. It's hard. Good luck, you're stronger than you realize.

Ed1937

Welcome to the forum. Like M1, I'm sorry you need it. But it is a good one, and people here comfort each other by sharing experiences, listening to your problems and offering possible solutions. You will get a lot of help here, and the best way to get that is to stay involved by posting.

And as said, anosognosia is not something you can reason with. You simply can't make him understand his difficulties, and showing him proof is not going to help.

I also agree that the boat should not be available to him. Use whatever excuse you want to get rid of it. Telling him something is wrong with it cannot be thought of as lying to him. You are doing something for his benefit, which will also make your job easier. It is normal for you to be scared about the future. Every one of us here have been down that road.

Here is a link to an excellent article about dementia. https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience#hlangandcommun  

toolbeltexpert

Good morning K your feelings that life is over is normal, but I wished it wasn't. Everything will change and it will be you that does it all. I do not want to get you down at all. It does sound like you realize already that this type of care maybe something that is too much. Safety for a pwd is a 24/7 task. So if you haven't already seen an elder care lawyer, to get the documents you will need make a list and put that high on it, research mc in your area. Contact the area agency on aging in your area. They can be a great help in the journey.

I also wonder if your dh has a uti? If the behaviours are suddenly changing that is something to check.

My dw started as mci and a month later Alzheimers. She is 13 years in this and I placed her last year. The forum is a mixture of people who haven't placed and who, have which is helpful for folks who are having thoughts if they can do it.

Take care of you most importantly.

I know there are others who will offer different strategies. So much to cover, but this forum has been my lifeline.

Stewart

AnderK

Thank you, all. The boat being broken will have him wanting to fix it, which he has done in the past. Btw, our papers are all in order, I have access to his accounts, Poa, etc, am able to act on his behalf if nec. Will look up anosognosia.

I miss my partner. When my late husband died of Kidney cancer 25 years ago, at least we were still partners until shortly before he died, were able to talk about what was going on, etc. The loss of that is what I miss the most.

Thank you again. K

Ed1937

Ander, here is a link on anosognosia. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm  

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. My DH & I were full time RVers. About 2 yrs ago I noticed a decline in his mental & physical condition. We had to park for many months during COVID & that's when I paid more attention. He also fell many times out dumping the holding tanks & doing routine maintenance. He asked my daughter what my son's relationship was to her. He couldn't spell simple words. He was driving very slowly & he'd always been a speedy driver. I called his primary & they referred him to a Neuro-Psychologist who did a 3 hour exam. He was diagnosed with more than mild dementia. He couldn't tell time using a regular watch or clock. He kept telling me his watch was broken. One he got the diagnosis then I could get him to stop driving. He had visuospatial difficulties. The doctor told him that if he were in an accident he could be sued and lose everything. That worked. Then I got a DPOA so I could make decisions and take care of things. I rented an apartment and sold the RV without his signature. He wasn't happy about selling the RV but I was exhausted mentally & physically and told him it had to be done. There was always something to maintain or repair and although I could drive it, I really wasn't able. He's 78 and I'm 75. Don't wait. Start the process. You need help. Get the doctors to help you. Worked for me.

AnderK

A follow up to the helpful replies you all have given. Boating season is done. Kindly friends and I took down the sails this week. Not how my partner would have done it, but done. I have hired a company to move our boat for haul out and winterize the boat.

He does not drive. His forgetfulness is worse. All our legal documents are in order. I looked at my first memory care facility.

He has " accepted" that he has dementia and has now taken to asking how long before he dies.

He can be left alone for a few hours so I can go to my own appts. We are investigating home PT, hoping that we can get someone more than once a week, as he won't do followup exercises, even if I try to do them with him.

Seems to be progressing fast!