Advice for dealing with mom's extreme anger and resistance

Jackie_K

Hello ALZ community - I previously posted about having trouble getting my mom in for a neuropsych appointment - all hospitals in the area are a year out on appointments. The good news update: I was able to find a private facility that can do the testing; insurance won't cover most of it but I am so desperate to get some clarity on this situation that it's worth it to me. The bad news: her anger / resistance (which has already been bad) is now completely amped up and I am struggling to deal with it.

There are 3 appointments as part of this process - an intro call/intake appointment, the actual memory tests, and then the feedback/diagnosis. Today was the intro call and my mom was EXTREMELY angry about it. She has been angry since I told her about the appointments (about a week and a half ago). Some days she forgets about it altogether and we're fine, but other days she remembers and calls to scream at me multiple times a day.

On the intro call today, she was extremely rude to the doctor and spent much of the time complaining about me (I was also on the call, so that was fun to hear) and insisting that she's "fine". Prior to the call, I fielded multiple angry, screaming phone calls from her. I barely got anything done for my job today and I am just feeling emotionally exhausted by all of this.

I am worried that she isn't going to cooperate for the actual testing but I am going to try to take one step at a time. In the meantime, have others dealt with this level of anger and resistance, and how did you deal with it? And what did you do to ensure you did not get emotionally burnt out by this? I am at the start of this journey and I'm already so, so tired...

Thanks,

Jackie

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. Anger is very common and comes in waves. She's not angry with you, she's angry at the disease. My DH's first contact with a Neuro Psyche doc was on video and it did not go well. He was a jerk. I asked for a face to face and my DH asked for a woman. He feels women are more concerned. So we got a face to face a few months later and it confirmed his dementia and it shocked me how bad it really was. I was in denial and he masked it well. Remind yourself that you are doing it for her benefit. It must be done. When my husband went for the 3 hour test, the Neuro Psyche doctor was awesome. I warned her before hand that he was angry. She made him comfortable and she was sensitive to when he'd had enough and took breaks when he got frustrated. Glad I spoke to her before hand and explained all the bizarre things he was doing and let her know what behavior he was exhibiting. Is she home alone? Maybe she needs a caregiver while she's at work until you can get the diagnosis and set up something more permanent? Can you set a time when you will call her and then you can control at least the number of times. I know this would be difficult but can you just not answer the phone when you're at work? How about asking her primary to give her something to calm her down until she sees Neuro Psyche? My husband has been diagnosed for 2 years and his anger is escalating. It won't get better and there really is nothing the neurologists can do. It will progress and they can't tell you in what time frame. I am almost ready to have them prescribe something to calm him but I don't want him to be a zombie and just sit in his chair and sleep. I try to let his words bounce off but I'm not always successful and then I feel guilty for getting angry. Their logic is gone so that won't work. Their emotions are also gone so appealing to them won't help. The only thing I can think of is try to distract her. It works with my DH if I ask him a question or ask for his help with something. That's difficult if you're at work and she is at home. Did you read the book "The 36 Hour Day" yet? That has some good tips. Please keep us posted.