It's all in how we react - A funny story

JoseyWales

One skill I learned as DH declined was to agree to whatever he said without argument. He said he was driving home? I said of course he was. But then drove when we got in the car because by then he'd forgotten what he said. He said that dragons flew over our house last night? I said, "Really? I thought I heard something!" You get the idea, and I'm sure it's a skill lots of you have.

He'd often retell news stories to my parents when we visited with them, and most of the stories were completely made up. I just agreed to whatever he said. My mom commented several times that she was impressed with how I was able to let it all go, because she has a hard time with making sure things are based in reality. She will get frustrated with my dad because of things he says that really make no difference, and they'll get into petty fights.

I recently went out to dinner with my parents. As we were walking into the restaurant, there was a near accident at the light with screeching tires. We all turned and looked, and it was pretty easy to tell which car had run the light. My dad made a comment about one of the cars turning in front of the other, which was not what happened. I said, "Oh wow, I wondered who was at fault" or something similar. My mom looked at me and said, "You're really good at that. I would have felt the need to correct him. I've learned lots from you." I smiled and said something like "I had lots of practice."

A few minutes later, in the restaurant, mom said something about the menu that wasn't true. Without thinking, I just agreed with her. Looking at the menu again, she noticed her mistake, looked up at me, glared, and said, "You just did that thing to me, too."

Ed1937

😂 Good story. Thanks!

Craftqueen59

My friend has dementia. I too find if I acknowledge her concern and then change the subject, that works for a bit! But lately the paranoia is about her husband having out of wedlock children they are supporting, him taking drugs and drinking, him having affairs, etc. which none of it is true. I have been her friend for 30 years and she feels comfortable in speaking to me about these things. They are so vivid for her, she sometimes is shaking she is so upset. I try to rely on humor but she is wearing me down. Anyone have more ideas on how to cope? What to say to try to comfort her?

M1

Hi craftqueen and welcome to the forum. You will likely get more responses if you start a new discussion.

the kinds of delusions you are describing are common and might respond to medication. As a friend you may be able to do no more than inquire about this with her family members. Probably nothing you can do but just nod your head and go along, "so sorry to hear it," that kind of thing. There is no reasoning to be done with her, and contradiction will likely just upset her. It's hard to listen to but makes you realize how distorted her worldview is. These things are usually not pleasant for her, either, so there is reason to medicate beyond just calming her down and making her more tractable. Medication would very likely improve her quality of life, too.

JoseyWales

Craftqueen - That's difficult. I went through similar things with DH. He was sure people were speeding down our rural road, that they were having drug deals and driving drunk. He was also sure his step-son was breaking into our shed at night and stealing things. I was lucky that he never thought I was cheating on him.

When this first started, I tried to reason with him, because I didn't realize that he was so far along that he didn't understand what was really going on. Then I pretended to write letters to the police, which I let him read before I "sent" them. I even went so far as to make a "phone call" to the police so he could hear my side of the conversation. Of course I never actually dialed the phone or sent the messages. That calmed him a bit. I validated his fears, because they were real to him. Later I told him, "The police said...." Didn't always stop the conversations, but it helped.

Later on telling him something like, "The police say they are planning to drive by our house several times a day, and I just saw them go by a few minutes ago" and then immediately redirecting helped.

Quilting brings calm

Josey -I wish I was like you, but I’m like your mom. I have been told often I’m very much pragmatic, logical, realist. I have a very hard time speaking fiblets with my parents. What’s really sad is that Mom( officially diagnosed with MCI but I believe she has stage 4) will try to correct my step-dad ( also stage 4 totally different symptoms) about his delusions and incorrect statements. She is actually correct that he’s wrong. However she’s lost the ability to speak fiblets or to just let it go. He has always been stubborn and not very informed so mom can’t tell the difference between his past behavior and his current behavior. Sometimes I just get up and leave the AL.