I don't know how to feel

111Nelly111

Dealing with my father's dementia has severely affected me.

15 years ago, my father abandoned us, left us in debt, we lost everything. I mean everything-- only the clothes on our backs and a few items that I had with me. Then 10 years ago, he comes back like nothing, made no effort to find work, and just...exists. Then 5 years ago, he was hit with dementia, although now the aggression has started. Sometimes it would start on its own, and I know that a warm touch or a soothing voice sometimes would calm him. But I can't do that. I can't pretend to care. I have nothing but hate for this person. I feel immensely uncomfortable when he touches my hand or kisses my cheek. But I don't react or pull away, because I try to be compassionate that, although I feel this way, his frustration in never having peace of mind must be even more difficult. I may be sympathetic, but only as a fellow human, and not as his daughter, a title he doesn't deserve. I don't feel like forgiveness, I can't let the past be the past when I've never had closure as to, why? And now I will never get those answers. I'm also diabetic, and have started to neglect my own health, stressed and overwhelmed on a person who once physically abandoned us, and now has mentally gone again.

And if I'm feeling this way, I can only imagine what my mother feels like, as someone who actually loves him. That's why I try to be a good daughter and not voice out my hate nor do I cry in front of her. I don't need to stress her out anymore. Instead, I bite my tongue and deal with it, be the pillar of support, because my family needs me. But at what cost? My own mental health. I'm not okay. I'm mentally exhausted. I feel like my life revolves watching him and taking care of him. I'm only 30, where I should be out and living life, I feel entrapped and I've often thought about running away. But I can't, my family needs me, and I refuse to abandon them. I sometimes think I can't be all bad, I've stayed, invested my time and energy in educating myself on dementia, all for the sake of my family.

I often think it would be easier if he were gone. A heavy burden. No I don't regret those words. Yes I mean what I say. I only pause and stop thinking of those thoughts for the sake of my mother, who would be devastated to know how hateful I feel. My love for my family is much stronger than my own personal hate.

It's funny, he destroyed the happiness of our family and now he needs us to care for him. He hasn't earned it. My wound is still deep and I haven't been able to forgive for the years of pain he's brought us. And now I have to take care of him? It seems so cruel doesn't it?

Despite my trauma and frustration, I continue to live with my head held high, as heavy as it feels, because I know this situation is not forever. I have to believe that. It's too pathetic to think this is how the rest of my life will be. I continue to have hope to win this mental battle in the long run.

Even researching and looking for aid is stressful enough, so much paperwork and complications and problems, especially as someone who is unfamiliar with this world. It's overwhelming. But I keep looking, it just can't stay like this forever, he'll end up outliving us all if the stress takes us first.

Thank you for letting me vent. Sometimes it's nice to confide in a stranger, because you have nothing to lose.My heart goes to all of you for your own journey. You're not alone, it's hard but please take care of your own mental health too. I know some days are heavy. I know some days are filled with anger and resentment. But you can do it, life is unexpectedly beautiful as it is cruel. Sending a virtual hug from one emotionally invested human to another.

Quilting brings calm

it is okay to feel as you do. You are not alone. Many of us are struggling to care for those who didn’t care for us.

You do not have to be the 24/7 caregiver - nor does your mom. My mom and step-dad are in assisted living exactly for this reason. My childhood was a nightmare. I cannot emotionally , mentally and physically care for them. I handle all their finances, doctor visits, phone issues, etc. I’m the only child that is involved with them. I do what I do for my mom and to keep my son from being the one to do it He doesn’t know what his step-grandfather was like.

Hopefully your mom got a divorce while he was gone and didn’t remarry him. If so, she’s not financially or other way responsible for his care. If she is still married to him, institutional ( facility) medicaid rules allow her to keep the house, a car, and a certain amount of assets. It’s called community spouse rules. Each state has different asset rules.

At home Medicaid care has different eligibility rules. There is a post ( I think on the caregiver thread) that explains Medicaid waivers for assisted living. That should be helpful to you.

a visit to an elder care lawyer by you and your mom would help you immensely.

Do not let this man take your health and your future.

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housefinch

I was in a different situation but had a complicated relationship with my father, who was unable emotionally to be a fully available father to us or husband to my mom. My parents remained married and my father died of cancer at 60, when I was in my early 20s and living far away. A few years before he died, my mom warned me to “get your stuff right with your dad because he’s sick.” Well, it takes both people in a relationship to have functioning emotional skills and the desire to repair the relationship. I was the only 1 with them. That was almost 30 years ago, and decades later I was brave enough to tell my mom she never should have said something like that. Please protect what emotional health you have left. In addition to therapy, a good book on boundaries for you can be sanity saving. Even if your mom is clueless, you can learn skills. Nedra Glover Tawwab has excellent books & a website. You are important!!! Despite what other messages others may have sent you. Sending you hugs and strength.

Leogoddess

<3 I am so sorry you are going through this.
My only advice: You cannot give from an empty cup. You have to put your own health and well being above all others.