I need a pep talk...it's time

Cinsababe

It's been a while since I have posted; it would have only been terrible so I refrained. My HWD is a different sort of case. We were married in 2019, and he was diagnosed with dementia in 2020, Alzheimers in 2021 by Petscan. Unfortunately he also has Bipolar 2 which has made his journey much more like BvFTD. We moved in with my brother last summer so he and his wife could help with him which was an incredible blessing, but the last few months have seen much worse aggression, threats, inappropriate social antics and now he told his psychiatrist 2 weeks ago that he is leaving and we won't be able to find him. He also told her he has to use violence to control MY unruly behavior (my unruly behavior is following the doctors orders to have his tools locked up and to not leave him home alone) At first we thought it was just idle threats but he has become fixated on it, constantly writing notes about "escaping" from SC to MD to reinstate his driver's license and buy a car. He has been writing threatening letters to my brother and constantly threatening me. He doesn't realize that telling his psychiatrist his plans put things in motion that will greatly change his life. Our home is beautiful, with a nature trail and fishing pond he uses every day. But on Monday, arrangements have been made by his psych and PCP to have him placed in a dementia ward at our local mental hospital...a horrifying thought for me, but I understand the necessity for his own safety. It just breaks my heart. He will stay there until he can be transferred to the appropriate nursing home. It won't be a luxury MC place since he will have to be on medicaid and he has so many medical conditions (Diabetes, COPD, CAD, CKD stage 3). I am still not sure how we are actually getting him thru the door and I know he will go ballistic. He is stage 5 and is much more behavioral than memory affected. Any kind encouragement and tips would be greatly appreciated...especially how to get thru the guilt I am feeling.

Denise1847

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine the fear, stress and worry. About getting him to the doctors, if there are meds to calm him a bit? How about getting the brother to help you as you cannot do this alone . It is too risky for you or anyone to do this alone.

About the guilt, you have to think of yourself and your safety. Otherwise, you may not live your life. He could seriously harm or kill you. This is not a choice, it is a necessity.

Please get him the care he needs and remove yourself from the risks of harm. God bless and take care. Please stay in touch.

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry you have come to this point, but it does sound as if you have an excellent plan in place for his care.

Could he be transported by ambulance if he does act out?

HB

Jgirl57

its good you know in your heart you are doing the safest thing. I have read before where others hired a private non emergency transport . I am cheering for you with invisible pom poms

Jgirl57

Jgirl57

invisible Pom Poms cheering you on!!

A. Marie

Cinsababe, no advice, but boundless sympathy and support. What a hard road you're having to walk. It sounds as if you're doing everything you have to do, under the circumstances. I know I won't be the only one here cheering you on.

Dio

So sorry you're on this wretched path. But for the safety of you and everyone in the house, this is perhaps the best solution. A stay in the mental ward will help get his medications under control. Then directly transferring him to a memory care facility from the mental ward is the "easiest" path than doing it yourself. Your DH has way more medical conditions than you can manage at this point. The memory care facility may not be a 5-star resort, but your husband will be cared for by professionals. If you haven't started already, you can use this time to research/vet other memory care facilities and hopefully find one to your liking.

M1

I am glad to hear from you, despite the difficult content. You are doing the best thing for him and for you (and your brother's family, for that matter). No guilt. It's just so sad that he is so, so ill. You have stood by him when a lot of people wouldn't have.

Quilting brings calm

Let the professionals transport him rather than a family member. When my mom left the hospital for rehab, there was transport arranged. It worked out well as mom would have balked with me.

it’s been a rough few years for you, and the two of you don’t have years of history for you to feel close to him. Please accept that you are doing this for him, to keep him safe, as he has injured himself in the past with his idiosyncrasies.

Drapper

Your story is heartbreaking. I feel for you. You need to take care of yourself. You count too. You have done so much for your DH. It sounds like this solution is best for all. I hope you find some peace.

Pat6177

Cinsababe, it is good to hear from you. This might sound hokey but these one liners help me especially when I’m stressed. My one liner for you is “My feelings are real but they might not be reality.” Your feeling of guilt is very real. But I don’t think it is reality. His medical problems (Alzheimer’s and everything else) have put him into a place where there are few options. This is one of those situations where you must make decisions with your brain and not your heart. What a tough situation for all involved. Just remember that the reality is that you haven’t done anything that you should feel guilty about. (((Hugs)))

Cinsababe

Thank you everyone who has posted so far, it means the world. At dinnertime this evening I found his GPS bracelet cut off and lying on the bathroom sink just moments after he had done it, thank goodness. I asked if it had been hurting his wrist, knowing very well his plan was to cut it off before he "bolted" (his written words). He immediately went with that fiblet which allowed me to call the police dept. Nurse who showed up within 5 minutes to put it back on him. I hate the fiblets, but I told him we were fortunate that I called so quickly after he removed it so they didn't have so come with sirens blaring thinking it was an emergency and he believed it, so maybe he won't try that again before Monday!