Venting: Empathy AWOL just when it's most needed

mrahope

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am realizing each day just what I have been having to put up with.

During the last few days my DDIL suffered a devastating late-term miscarriage. DS and DDIL were simply overwhelmed by this loss and I was also very sad to lose the hope of another grandchild. Although DH had been told about this, he doesn't seem to have understood at all.

Yesterday evening , DS came over to borrow DH's laptop so he could do some work from home while his wife recovered (she was briefly hospitalized). Of course, I asked about DDIL and granddaughter. Then, as DS was leaving, DH said, "So, your wife got rid of the problem?"

My poor DS was so upset that he basically screamed at DH saying, "Our unborn daughter was not a problem!!" He then left our house and hasn't been in touch with his father.

I was furious and told him what he had said was very inappropriate. His response was to say, "You and DS always put me down. I don't need you. I'm leaving." Fortunately, he doesn't have the wherewithal to follow through on this.

He has since vacillated between begging to be forgiven and saying, "If you think I MEANT to do that you are so wrong, and I REALLY don't appreciate that." He's gone back and forth between apologizing and yelling at me all day.

I feel like a punching bag. Maybe this is the disease, or maybe it's the disease exposing how thoughtless and uncaring he actually is. No matter what, this is a bell you just can't unring. I'm not sure how to go on from here. Thank you all for just being there for me to tell.

harshedbuzz

I am sorry for the loss of your grandchild. How sad for your family.

I hope, in time, that your son can understand your DH's comment in the context of a diseased and decaying brain so that you don't become isolated because your son can't get past this.

I wonder if your husband would benefit from medication.

HB

upstateAnn

Your DH is not in his proper mind. I hope you both have it i your hearts to forgive him.

trottingalong

This is the disease talking. It can be so very hurtful, but DH will never comprehend the hurt, it’s just not there any more.

Jgirl57

Oh I am so sorry to hear this . Hugs to your DS and DDIL. It is so hard when our persons with dementia respond so inappropriately. Hugs to you mrahope as your family grieves this loss.

housefinch

I’m so terribly sorry for all of you. What a heartbreaking situation. And confusing and incomprehensible for your husband, plus extra stressful for you and for your son to grieve the loss of his father as he knows him. And of course his father’s words were painful to hear, even though your husband didn’t know what he was saying. I hope that things slowly feel better. I hope your son and his wife got referred to resources for families who have lost a late 3rd trimester infant. There are good family support programs now.

M1

Ouch, ouch, ouch. He can't understand, but it still is incredibly painful. I am so sorry, the lack of empathy just make s the other loss hurt all the more. I would bet my bottom dollar he doesn't have a clue what he said. Words get mixed up, he may have even thought he was saying something empathetic or expressing concern.

No winners in this situation.

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Denise1847

Hi Mrahope,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your granddaughter. The grief is unbearable (I, too, had a miscarriage and a stillbirth). It will take time to heal. Everyone has expressed the reality that your DH has lost his ability to feel and show empathy and use language in an appropriate manner. Please consider that as we grieve, we naturally become angry (and rightfully so for our loss). Sometimes we don't realize it but we may direct the anger toward our loved ones or others. Think about what you are really angry about. For me, I learned that I am angry at the disease, the situation, the loss. When you can work through that process, it may greatly heal you. I hope I have helped in some small way.

mrahope

Thanks so much for your insights. It doesn't help that both of us have had colds the last two weeks also. It's good to hear it confirmed that this is dementia in action, as opposed to pure stupidity or meanness. It's so hard to grasp that someone isn't doing this to be mean, but because they don't know the true impact of what has happened.