My mom is very against the idea of Memory Care/AL and I'm scared she will be scarred from the move

yearofthedragon

My mother is 75 with Dementia. It's in somewhat of an early phase-- sometimes she's totally normal but she thinks my dad (who recently passed away) is living in our neighbor's house and "needs a sweater bc he is cold" and she obsesses over it most days. She just got on a low dose of Seroquel. I have her on the waiting list at a nice memory care facility nearby. I'm nervous though because she always says she never wants to go to AL/MC and my dad passed away in a facility and that really traumatized her. I don't want her to think I'm "throwing her away" or something but I need to be able to live my own life and I have been putting my needs and wants aside to be with her for a few years now. I feel selfish and guilty. Has anyone else been in a similar boat? How did your loved one handle moving to MC even though they were severely against it?

Anonymousjpl123

Welcome to the forum, but I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s really tough. You absolutely did the right thing getting her on the waiting list. So many people wait, telling themselves it’s “still early,” hoping to avoid the inevitable progression, and then are left scrambling, which is so much worse. So congrats on taking a really good step toward your moms care.

Im so sorry your mom was traumatized by your dads experience. The truth is, dementia is awful. The right placement can be a safe haven for your mom. Even a less than perfext placement (which most are) will still provide her far more care than you could give at home.

It is a terrible disease. I placed my mom in MC and still struggle with guilt. But I also know it is absolutely where she needs to be, and that it would be no easier at home. My mom has been in MC about 4 months days she tells me she wants to come home, but when she’s there, she truly doesn’t hate it. And when she does, I’m pretty sure she hates everywhere. She hates that she can’t live anywhere else, and how much of her memory is slipping away. I hate that I can’t fix it. But the staff are very kind and warm where she is and the other residents are in the same boat. It’s not perfect, but could be so much worse.

As someone who questioned it every step of the way and put my mom in MC anyway, I strongly feel you are doing the right thing for her and you.

yearofthedragon

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195139#Comment_195139

Thank you for your reply. Yes I definitely go back and forth between thinking it's 'too early' etc. and I am so worried she's going to have a nervous breakdown or something. But I have to let others care for her so I can get a job, etc. She thinks she 'is fine' and 'doesnt need care'. It's all so tough and sad

darcytg

Hello and welcome.

My LO is staying her first night in AL tonight. The need to move and "going to a home" is very difficult for her. I am hoping she finds it comfortable and gets involved with the music and other things she enjoys.

Anosognosia is also part of my LO's experience, not feeling like she needs support or care. All part of the disease.

All of it is hard and feelings of guilt are common. Glad you have a potential path to try. Sometimes we just need to try something and see how it works.

Truth be told...I'm crying lots because I couldn't do and offer more for my LO.

C'est la vie, as my LO would say.

Again, welcome. Many people here are experienced and understand.

M1

She may adapt just fine. You don't know until you try. My partner was always one to say that she'd rather be shot than live in a group home, but when push came to shove we had no other alternative. Your health and needs matter too. There are several concurrent threads right now that seem to deem MC the worst possible alternative to staying at home but i think that's misleading and incomplete. My partner would not be happy anywhere in her current state. I imagine you're projecting your own feelings onto your mom somewhat. As others have said, you are doing this FOR her, not TO her.

housefinch

I don’t mean to sound cruel by saying this, but remember that you, the caregiver, don’t have dementia, and deserve to have some semblance of a life. Don’t let the dementia destroy you, too. Our PWD is 93 & when he needs MC, I will be reminding myself he has had a good life and the rest of us need to have ours, too. Sending you strength and comfort.

yearofthedragon

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195181#Comment_195181

thank you

harshedbuzz

@yearofthedragon

I am so sorry you are facing this. It's some of the most difficult adulting ever required of me.

A couple of thoughts-

Firstly, you are not doing this to her, dementia is.

Safety is job one. Always. To that end, you are doing this for her, not to her.

Care level cannot be aspirational and set to a level that would suit mom if all the stars were aligned and she was having the best day ever. Dementia only goes in one direction; she's not going to get better.

Related to the above, there's an old saw here that says "by the time most loving families are willing to consider AL for their LO, that ship has sailed and MC is the appropriate care level. Try to take the emotion out of the decision and be realistic in what mom needs. (hard, I know) You're likely supplying all kinds of scaffolding you aren't even aware of to help her function as well as she does.

Be aware that facilities know this is difficult of families and will sometimes agree to a trial in AL knowing the PWD will crash and burn. This isn't terrible so long as their MCF is one you would have chosen.

HB

terei

My mother was in AL + then on to MC the last 3-4 years of her life. She did not like it + I didnt blame her, but she thought she could live alone + neither she nor I considered one of us kids taking her into our homes. I was not willing to sacrifice my life to hers, to be honest + I do not have to temperament to be a satisfactory caregiver.

When she complained, I just told her I knew it was a sh*tty situation, but there weren’t any alternatives. I and the rest of my family gave her lots of attention + hired a weekly companion for her + did the best we could to see that she was well cared for.

I had many sleepless nights worrying about her, but I do not regret that she was in MC. She had a long + happy, interesting life before Alz + that’s what I try to remember about her life….not the hell of her disease