I can't do this again.

notagain123

I spent 7 years as a caregiver for an elderly parent and their spouse. I had to give up the majority of my social life to see to their needs. Every time I TRIED to schedule something for myself, an emergency would pop up. I gained over 75 pounds, and my mental health was suffering severely. Near the end, COVID hits. Due to lack of staffing availability and concerns about revolving caregivers, a nursing home was the best option. I finally broke. I was well beyond my limits. My siblings painted me as a villain, would not listen to anything I said, and things got VERY ugly. My healthy parent removed me as POA because I took the keys from the unhealthy parent (yes, it was necessary) It has been one year since the last death. I have lost the majority of the weight I gained and worked hard to regain my social life. I'm just now beginning to feel "normal" again. Now my healthy parent ends up in the hospital and is declining quickly. I have two siblings, both married (I'm single). I know before all is said and done, it will be expected that I will take in the last parent. I cannot and will not do it. I did my bit. I refuse to lose myself again. I know I'm going to once again be painted as the villain for tending to myself, but at this point, I just don't care. I am visiting my remaining parent weekly, but I have not fought to get back the POA. It's time my sibling did their share. I have made it clear that I'm not allowing my remaining parent to move in with me on multiple occasions, but I know it will be suggested when they are truly unable to live alone. (We aren't quite there yet) Do I feel guilty? Yes. Is guilt better than the alternative? Unfortunately yes. Anybody else been down this road twice?

terei

Please try not to beat yourself up. I would not even do it ONCE let alone twice. I would not even consider being a 24/7 caretaker for more than the time it would take to find an appropriate facility.

You are 100% right to take care of yourself. This scenario plays out in so many families….that one person is the designated caretaker + the rest feel totally justified in demanding it. It really is inexplicable. Take deep breaths + take care of yourself

Emily 123

Absolutely. After all that, the POA and other parent should have made plans for the parent's future. It's apparent that whatever planning was done didn't include you, and so I wouldn't feel like you need to offer your services as an assisted living facility/MC.

Your parent has alternatives. You are not a retirement plan

Hang in there. Don't cave.

harshedbuzz

I would not take on physical care of a person for whom I did not have both a POA for the financial piece and medical matters. Full stop. You can't do a job without the tools and your remaining parent took that away from you for doing what needed to be done.

HB

SusanB-dil

Hi notagain - I guess my post would make it unanimous to what's been posted... you need to take care of you. It sounds like your siblings are just dumping the care onto your shoulders yet again, and even without the means to properly take care of the whole situation.

Please stick to being true to yourself. It seems that if you end up allowing your parent to move in, you are going to be really stuck and it will not be easy, if not near impossible, to reverse that situation. just NO!

Quilting brings calm

Your healthy parent made the choice for your siblings when you were removed from the POA. In addition, you did your part already and it damaged your physical and emotional health. You can’t do it again. Your siblings will have to.

Not everyone is suited for 24/7 caregiving. I wasn’t - and I don’t feel ashamed of it. I just did and do my best to make sure my mom and step/dad are taken care of in their AL and to handle their finances and medical appointments etc. You shouldn’t even do that if someone else has the POA. That’s their responsibility and your parent picked them to do it - or left the job empty which means one of your siblings needs to apply for guardianship.

My mom gave me POA. My step-dad only gave me medical POA. I told him that meant the state would be making decisions for him at some point and he said fine. I’m not applying for guardianship of someone that refused to give me POA- that would be going against his wishes.

forbarbara

This disease is very good at destroying families. Like any other crisis, it’s very good at showing us who shows up - and who runs away. Be proud that you showed up when you had to, and stuck with it under incredibly stressful circumstances.

but as others have posted here - it’s time to put yourself first. Give your siblings the ALZ hotline phone number and let them figure out the plan.

SusanB-dil

@forbarbara "showing us who shows up - and who runs away" You sure got that right!! and will add... not only shows us who will step up, as you said, but who will take advantage. @notagain123 don't let that happen to yourself.

ButterflyWings

The - "who will take advantage" - THAT part. @notagain123 I actually am semi- on the 2nd time around and hadn't thought about it because the 1st time was a super-fast 7 weeks as in-home hospice caregiving lead after a massive stroke sidelined my LO (following a year or so of long distance caregiving until weekly cross-country visits became necessary as others started to exploit that elder).

But as taxing as all that was, that LO did not have dementia even in the final weeks and days, they were as clear as a bell and able to cooperate as best as possible. SO much easier than if both their body AND mind are failing. Still, that 7 weeks of doing literally everything for a bedridden adult was the longest couple of months of my life...until my DH hit mid-stages of this monster disease, that is.

No, I would not sign up for this again either. And no guilt at all. You have more than done your part. Making it unanimous here: it is time for others to show up, step up, and do the same as you did before, with risks to your physical and mental health. This is YOU time. Vitally important.

jfkoc

Please...no guilt.

Decisions were made. let them stand.