I get afraid you're not coming back

M1

No worries. I bought one of the clocks when she first went to MC, and she promptly unplugged it and dismantled it repeatedly, so that was a bust. It's still in the garage.

I had hoped to do things at home today but did nothing but grieve. Our good friends who visit also had a difficult experience with her on Friday--she did nothing but ask them repeatedly about where I was, why she couldn't be with me, where I lived, why wouldn't they take her to wherever I was. They told her that I was at the farm where we'd always lived, and she broke their hearts too when she said if they would just drive her by there, she would just like to wave.

No good end here, but as the other thread said, I just pray for it to be over.

ImMaggieMae

How about a voice recordable greeting card? She still responds when you talk to her, so maybe something like this would be worth a try. You can buy them on Amazon and probably at other places that sell greeting cards. They run on replaceable batteries.

• “Record and play speech, music or sound effects using the built-in microphone and speaker. 
• Your recorded message will play as the card is opened. Make someone smile with this truly amazing gift, it's the next best thing to being there.
• 40 seconds recording time. Re-record your message as many times as you wish.”

Quilting brings calm

M1- My mom can’t remember when I’ve been there last or when I am coming next. I’ve started stopping by the front desk on my way in or out. I tell them ( and my parent’s favorite resident assistant) when I’m planning on coming back. That gives them the information to tell her when she makes comments.

You might try having the staff tell her when you are expected back since leaving notes for your partner isn’t working. I am actually unclear as to whether having photos of you would ease her concern about ‘you not coming back’. You’ve not mentioned her being concerned about forgetting what you look like.

M1

An update: today is her birthday, and she fell twice more early this morning, has a vivid purple shiner on her left eye. Still struggling mightily to find a shoe she might tolerate and that won’t catch her foot. But: I’m happy to report that both the pillow with our picture on it and the blanket of family and pet photos were both a big hit, in the moment. We’ll see if it lasts, but right now I’ll take any drop of good news.

ghphotog

My DW says the same thing when I visit her. Even though she's doing fairly she cries and tells me she thought she would never see me again. Also breaks my heart when I leave.

I'm glad the pillow and blanket was a hit in the moment and hope she enjoys it. My DW doesn't recognize herself in photos anymore. She has a pillow on her bed with a picture of herself and her daughter but she doesn't recognize the faces.

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry it's still so hard, but happy that you have had at least some success. Happy Birthday to her, andI hope she can find at least a little joy today.

I bought a pair of shoes that my wife could step into, even though they had laces (no need to tie or untie them) for my wife. She loved them, and when she passed, one of our daughters took them, and was happy with them too. You might want to consider at least looking at the site https://kizik.com/. I might be wrong, but I think they guarantee you'll be happy with them.

M1

They are one of six different pairs I’ve tried so far Ed and weee a nonstarter like all the others because of the rubber soles catching. I’m just keeping her in skid socks for the moment. The fact is that it’s not the shoes that’s the primary problem.

jfkoc

Thanks for the birthday update.....

mrahope

OMG. I know it doesn't help your grief, but I can see that no matter the difficulties you have faced, your DW's welfare is topmost in your mind. I'm glad you updated this thread. Here's hoping her birthday is peaceful for both of you.

GothicGremlin

I'm sorry I'm so late, but I hope in spite of the falls that your DW had a good birthday.

M1

Thank you GG. She actually loved the picture blanket and pillow, which were suggested by folks here. Tough week, but she hasn't fallen any more for now. They dropped her Seroquel dose back t0 25 mg, which increased her anxiety a bit, but we increased her Zoloft to see if that will help. I've taken the dog with me several times, and she is very content just to lie in bed with him by her side. He likes it too.

We are at our two year mark since leaving home this week. Emotional for me. Planting potatoes today to try to keep my mind off of it.

Denise1847

Dear M1, I am so sorry that you are in pain about your DW's fears.

You are such a great support to her. While every patient is different, I am finding that my DH's ability to connect words and their meanings is almost gone and his sense of time and reality are slowly slipping away. I share this with you because I believe that while our loved ones ask about things, their thoughts are quickly gone in their minds. I suspect they don't dwell on anything because the thoughts are fleeting. However, we get upset, when they say or do things that trigger our feelings and sense of protection of them. The result is that we are suffering from undeserved guilt and pain, when their concerns have dissipated. I hope I am making sense for you. It may be that the resolution lies with your adjusting to her momentary expression of fears - realizing that her fear is real at the moment but that moment passes quickly. I don't mean to diminish her fears as they are real and horrible. I am just offering another way to look at this situation. I pray you and your DW find peace and comfort.

AnderK

I cant say it better than Denise1847.

Thursday night I was called very mean and snarky, and let's just add terribly impatient after working on helping him to go upstairs to bed for three hours. Once in bed, snuggled in, his cpap filled, lights out, I was wonderful again.

And yes, I cried at the unfairness of it all.

Take care of your heart ❤️

Nowhere

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68212/i-get-afraid-youre-not-coming-back

Perhaps meet with the memory care director and ask that he or she share with your wife’s aides that if/when she’s upset/feeling abandoned that they reassure her you’ll be back soon?

M1

Thanks nowhere, we've done all of the above--but nothing sticks. I hope Denise is right, that it's momentary and in fact perhaps triggered by my presence, I can only hope goes away when I'm not there.

This remains an awful way to live though. I think I am grieving the anniversary, but it never leaves. Trying to be better about just putting one foot in front of the other.

CindyBum

My heart breaks for you, M1, like it would break for me if my DW was saying these things to me.

Sending you strength and light.

Quilting brings calm

@M1 - I think their thoughts and feelings are momentary. PWD seem to regress into childhood. They enjoy childhood games and activities, they understand things like a child, they must be watched like a child for safety reasons. So I find it plausible that they cry for us like a child does for mom… which is right up until mom is out the door, and then the child goes and plays.