Broken hip has just been added to my Mom's fast growing list of problems

DiRegina

Hello, and thank you for allowing me to be here. My mom's dementia has been a problem since 2019. She left the hospital ama 5 times, until she was put in the ICU and had surgery for a duodenal ulcer,

IN the past 3 weeks, my mom has been hospitalized with Covid, gotten a bad UTI, and diagnosed with colon cancer. Now, we add the hip to the equation. Quality of life is not looking great from my end.

Her partner of 40 years (not married, no common law where we live) wants to aggressively treat the cancer. I consented to a minimally invasive surgery.

A huge part of the problem is that my mom never filled out end of life documents...no will, no POA..nothing. I am her only living child, so I know that decisions are mine, in the final analysis...at least as concerns her health.

I live 5 hours away from my mom and her partner. I did not want to separate them.

I am so worried about all of this surgery...it goes against my beliefs about end of life surgery. Her partner has trauma of his own, after watching his father refuse treatment in the 1970s for prostate cancer, and then seeing the agony he was in when the cancer spread to his bones.

I just don' t know what to do, and I would appreciate hearing experiences, support, etc.

Thanks so much, Diane

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, welcome to the forum, sorry for the need though. You may get more response if you post in a different group, I’m not sure this one gets a lot of traffic.

my first thoughts are somehow POA or Guardianship needs to happen. If her partner seeks guardianship, you may be on the outside. Depending on your moms stage of dementia, is it possible to get her to a CELA (certified elder law attorney) to at least draw up POAs.

The cancer treatment is something I probably wouldn’t do. Does your mom know her cancer diagnosis/prognosis? I’m sorry to say, my experience is better to have our LOs die from something other than the dementia. Will she be going to a SNF for rehab?

Im thinking it’s time to call hospice in for an evaluation. If she’s admitted into their care they will be an added layer of support for both your mom and her partner…and you. Of course, the life saving treatments and hospice don’t coincide. Being admitted to hospice with dementia doesn’t accelerate her end of life path. My mom was on home hospice for almost 2 years. Since cancer and broken hip are now a part of the mix, she getting closer with just that. So sorry! Maybe, since you have decided on cancer treatment, palliative care might be a good next step.

Im so sorry for your current reality. This is all so hard! Keep coming back to share, vent, question etc… so many wise supportive folks here. This place has been a lifeline for me.

ps… in the 70’s and for a man, having hospice around seemed weak. Hospice has a negative connotation for many. Yet, its so wonderful to have them on board at end of life, we can have peace that our LOs are not suffering and are comfortable. Maybe you can help remove the stigma for your moms partner so you can feel confident your mom will not suffer in her last days. People often wish they brought hospice in sooner than they did for their LOs. From my experience, it was also nice to already have a hospice team relationship well before mom started her end of life transition.

DiRegina

I am very grateful for your message to me. I will try to find a more appropriate board for more responses. I didn't have a chance to ask anyone if there were alternatives to surgery for her hip fracture. She underwent surgery and her pain is bad and cognition worse. I think I am going to have to keep the attorney appointment I made and continue to wait until April for. I have hear that obtaining guardianship is a nightmare...but maybe if she and I talk about it in the morning with a witness, she will understand.

Warmest to you,

Diane

mommyandme (m&m)

Im sorry for your moms pain and decline after surgery. I too have heard that guardianship is nightmarish and more expensive than POAs. I hope you soon find the best answers and steps to take as you move along this terrible dementia journey. Your mom is so fortunate to have you in her corner.