Brand New to This- Mom will NOT go to the Dr. but she's definitely developing dementia.

ShanB

I'm going to have to care for my 83 yr old mom without an official diagnosis, but her mom died of Alzheimer's and now my mom is heartbreakingly losing her grasp on memory, reality and her own personality. My mom has been my rock my whole life and is such a generous loving soul. Sometimes I don't know who she is when she gets so incredibly stubborn and angry. Then she cries for her old life back and it kills me. She repeats herself constantly, can't remember one day's events from the next and she is not caring for her hygiene either. But she won't let me take over and help her! She insists she's fine, but then 5 mins later she doesn't know why her car is gone (I have it), who she just talked to on the phone or what bills she paid or didn't pay, she won't leave the house anymore and she won't even let me trim her toe nails. They are grotesquely long and she doesn't even want to do anyting about it. I NEED HELP in knowing how to care for a beloved mom who will not let me help her. I NEED HELP in formulating a plan for as this gets worse. I will not put her in a home. I NEED HELP to not stick my head in the sand. I am 55 and mom is 83. I NEED HELP. Please....any advice will be very much appreciated.
Thank you so much,
Shannon (preferred as Shan)

psg712

Shan, so sorry for what you are going through with your mom. Many people on this forum have experienced similar issues. Many will have much wiser thoughts than I do, but here are a few things to consider.

Do you have power of attorney - both for medical and financial decisions? You need that right away. You are going to have to take care of some things without her cooperation.

Do you have other family - siblings, aunts, others - who can help with the load? It sounds as if your mom is not safe at home alone. Regardless of your personal situation, 24/7 caregiving with no backup is not safe for you or her. If you saw your grandmother suffer with Alzheimers too, you know what I mean. If you are planning to keep her at home, you may need to hire some help. Sometimes people with dementia allow other helpers to work with them more than they allow family members to do it. Could a podiatrist trim the toenails for her?

Please get some help for yourself. This grief is awful, and the stress can break you. You need support. This forum is a great place for it too. Keep us updated. We feel you.

Lynn24

My mother had an MRI done by a Neurologist who didn’t see dementia on the scan; however she has symptoms of mid stage dementia.

Yes, you definitely have to gain POA to make decisions on her behalf. My mother was very angry during her transition into our home, and sometimes she still becomes angry even though, she has been living with us for almost two years now.

Seroquel has helped to decrease the anger episodes, and now it is not as difficult to take care of her daily needs.

Where I live there are healthcare facilities that only see seniors, and they offer at home care for patients such as our mothers. Hopefully you have services like this available in order for your mom to see a doctor.

M1

welcome to the forum. Your mom has anosognosia; it's a feature of dementia that prevents her from perceiving her deficits and she truly thinks she's fine. Most with dementia have it.

Second the suggestion that the first thing you need to do is have legal and medical power of attorney. Talk to a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org); if she is too far gone to consent, you may have to seek guardianship, which is more expensive and involved. You should also discuss finances; committing to "not putting her in a home" is not a promise you should make, as you may find it's necessary, and some people respond better to professional caregivers than they do to family. If she's already refusing help from you, this may be the route you need to take. Most caregivers here have had to bite the bullet and do the necessary things for the safety of our loved ones despite their protests and objections, just as you would for a toddler, and not taking it any more personally than you would from a toddler.

I also second the suggestion that she should not be living alone, and that she might be more tractable with medication; but how you get her to a doctor is obviously an issue. Some need to be hospitalized on a geriatric psychiatry ward to get stable, but you don't necessarily have to start there. Things people have tried include telling her that a visit is required or she'll lose her insurance; you might also see if there is a palliative care provider who will come to your/her home.

You have come to a good place for advice and support. Read a lot of threads and you will learn a lot and feel less alone.

Anonymousjpl123

Hi @ShanB you are definitely not alone, and all of the advice above is pretty much what I would say. POA is absolutely crucial if you are to be the caretaker of you mom. Also, I know it’s hard when things are so emotional, but finances are important too, not just for now, but as your mom progresses. For me, getting these things in order early helped set me up to cope with the enormous emotional strain and exhaustion of being the primary caregiver for a PWD. I’m 54 and my mom is 83 and we’re a couple years in. It’s not easy and it won’t be easy but you can do this.

Also, caring for your mom does not mean giving up your life. We women sometimes get this twisted (speaking from experience, and I didn’t even have a good relationship with my mom). Make sure you tend to yourself, even a walk or bath every day. You’re not alone. Good advice here.