I'm moving to the new house in two weeks. Feeling lonely but grateful

White Crane

It's been awhile since I posted an update. I continue to spend down our life savings so DH can qualify for Medicaid. My new house is almost ready to move into. The interior has been completely re-painted and the new carpet is being installed. Friends from church and my sister have been over here at the old house almost every day helping me pack. My house is filling up with boxes! After 52 years, the old house is full. Getting rid of treasures is hard but must be done. The four kids and five grandkids have gotten most of what they want so the rest is going to be sold or donated. Sigh. When I look around at the now bare walls, I feel very lonely and sad. This isn't the future I envisioned for us in our old age. The loneliness hurts so badly sometimes it is like a physical pain. And the sadness never completely leaves. Oh, I am laughing with friends at times but inside the tear in my heart always aches. As for DH, he is unaware of any of this. He seems to be adjusting better to being in MC. He has bronchitis right now and has lost nine pounds in the last month. I have had to call the facility and request he be seen by the doctor. They finally did an x-ray of his lungs and they are clear so no pneumonia. When I visited him on Sunday, he was still coughing but in good spirits. I miss him so much! When I visit, it feels so good to have him hug me and tell me he loves me. He is still the love of my life. Our bed feels so empty without him. Thankfully, I have been getting so exhausted from packing during the day that I have been sleeping pretty good.

Brenda

M1

Glad to hear from you Brenda. I am behind you, haven't sold our farm yet—can't really without huge tax consequences until after she dies. But I anticipate everything you are doing….everywhere I look reminds me of what needs to be packed up, sold, given away. I made a lot of progress in the last month, and am having other things scheduled that have to be done before i can even put it on the market—landscaping cleanup, fixing some broken steps down at the dock. Monday i got a small vegetable garden in, and today I got sealer on the stone sidewalk that was recently fixed. Finally got out the Allen wrench and tightened a loose set screw on the French doors to the porch; another tick off the list. But it's so, so lonely when I think of all the things that she and I used to do together here, and it's ten thousand times harder to do them solo. Days go by that i don't see or talk to another soul…except for the dog, and those I talk to on this forum.

I hope you will be gradually able to piece a life back together. I try to think ahead—i keep a little list of things as I think of them, things I do or don't want in a future residence. But it's a solo existence that I picture. I'm lonely, but I really, really don't think I want the responsibility for another person again in the future. I just don't think I can do it.

Stay in touch, I hope the move goes well. New paint and fresh carpet are good.

Dio

I am right behind you, Brenda and M1. Looking for a smaller place closer to DH's MCF so there's less driving. I have to think/plan for the future, when I'm not as physically strong. Also, I believe a new environment will do me good. Some of the horrors I went through in the current house during this LBD journey is still too much to bear. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I need to take care of myself. Looking forward to new beginnings. It's just another bend in the road of this so called life.

MelissaNH

Thank you all for sharing. OP, I feel your words so much. We are technically at the beginning of our FTD journey, but for me, it's been over a decade watching his personality change, having no emotional support, parenting alone, trying to keep our finances together, and putting out the fires he created from poor judgement. It's a lot and I can't even imagine making it long enough to the point where so many of you are at. I'm exhausted and feel emotionally traumatized from it all. We are financially ruined with exception of our mortgaged home and three vehicles, one of which I almost left him over and we have a loan on. Ugh. I have so much to learn about the financial implications of all of this. I've seen the phrase "spending down" in terms of getting assistance and it all just seems so unfair. I get it - life isn't always fair - but this beast? Ugh.

ButterflyWings

(((White Crane))) You are amazing. I envy you all that you have accomplished! But am also happy, proud, and cheering you on at the same time. Your feelings are so eloquently described and we understand. Really, truly. Your DH is getting the best round the clock care that he needs right now, thanks to you. So sweet that you are getting hugs and hearing that he loves you. That is priceless. I pray the new home brings new peace, and joy, and healing to you.

Beachfan

Brenda,

I hope your new home serves you well; you agonized for so long about how to proceed with your own life while your DH was slipping away. I can empathize; I’ve been there. I have been in my “downsized” home almost 7 1/2 years now. While DH was still here, although oblivious to me and his surroundings, I could devote time to his caregiving without the worry of a large home and all its trappings. Now, he is gone, but I am settled, happy, and at peace with my life and my decisions. You will get there, I promise. Enjoy DH as his wife and loving companion and take one day at a time as you move forward. Blessings!