Mother is having nightly delusions and I'm no longer sure we can care for her at home

rbblac

My mother is 86 and has moderate to severe dementia. Her short term memory is all but gone, and now her long term memory is going as well--at night, mostly, she is waking up my father and asking him question after question about who he is, who her husband is, whether she has children, who the person in the other room is (me), generally, questions about her past, In addition, we are finding her roaming at night near the front door and around the house, sometime with the front porch light on, talking about people who aren't there and things that that haven't happened or aren't happening. Sometimes I will find that the lock on the front door is unlocked.



She is often aggressive and hostile and very demanding when asking these questions, especially when she doesn't get answers right away (my Dad is very hard of hearing and God love him, he has put up with so much in caring for and dealing with my Mom). My parents have been married more than 60 years, and they just don't know how to live apart or do anything but depend on each other for everything. If my Dad goes outside the house for even a few minutes my Mom is asking where he is.

I called my Mom's neurologist and told her about this decline and the doctor prescribed Depakote, which appears to have made her dizzy and increased the symptoms, so I suggested that my Dad stop the Depakote until I can call the doctor and tell her about it on Monday.

My father has prostate cancer which has metastasized to his femur and other health issues so I take him to doctor appointments regularly, which was ok until the past few weeks when my mother's condition really began to deteriorate. Now I am afraid to leave her alone.

I have brought up the subject of long term care such as a nursing home or having in home care but my father has refused to consider the nursing home and I think he is afraid of the cost regarding hiring help. He has had two sisters die with Alzheimer's so he has seen his share of it already, and I think he is in real denial about the true nature of my Mom's condition. I just don't know what to do.

This is my first post here and in fact on any support group message board. I'd guess I've reached a crisis point and I need some advice from someone who's been through it or might have a suggestion. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

jfkoc

I would ask the Dr what could be given to your mother to help her sleep.

M1

welcome to the forum. I agree that something like Seroquel for sleep fragmentation might help, but it doesn’t sound like he is up to being her caregiver or that either of them should be living alone. Unfortunately it also sounds like their care needs are different- he might do okay in assisted living, but she probably needs memory care. You might do okay at home with 24/7 help, but that gets expensive too. Do you have power of attorney? Making the decision may be beyond your dad at this point.

rbblac

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208223#Comment_208223

Well I am living with them and doing my best to provide what care I can, but I have my own ailments. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and the anguish that my parents' physical and mental decline causes me is almost debilitating. Caring for them is essentially my entire life now. That's neither here nor there but the point is, while I do have power of attorney for both of my parents, I really don't want to be put in the position of making that call. They are both stubborn, recalcitrant, and would resent it greatly if I were to force them out of their home and into long term care. What would really help is if the doctor would say that there is no option but to put her in a nursing home, that she requires 24 hour supervision and medical care and that life at home is not safe for her. Then perhaps my father would reconsider.

As for him, he is still on the ball mentally, he just is too close to my mother's situation and too attached to her to make an objective decision without being forced into it. I do worry about him falling, with a compromised hip, but all things considered he is doing fairly well for now.

Thanks for your reply.

M1

I sympathize, but to be blunt, unfortunately that's why you have the power of attorney. You actually have an obligation to act in their best interest. Is a backup named? Perhaps you need to talk to that person as well.

Marta

Just for clarity, from your description, your Mom would not qualify for a nursing home, unless she requires skilled nursing care. Memory Care likely would be the appropriate option if she needs to be placed.

I would work on meds to control her delusions and hallucinations. A geriatric psychiatrist would be the expert to consult.

Pdxnewbie

I would suggest home health care for the night shift at least in the short term. It is expensive but may give you a respite until you can come up with a long term plan. That approach worked for me.