Won't answer the phone

Rob's Daughter

Hi Everyone -

My mom is in assisted living, my Dad moved into AL in February of 2023 and then my Mom followed him in April of 2023. It wasn't safe for her alone. My Dad is in advance stages of Alzheimer's and hospice has been on the case for close to a year now. He's doing well in AL. My mom suffered a TIA last month and since then her demeanor has changed. She's now on Hospice care as well and they mentioned to me that they are seeing the beginning signs of dementia as well.

Since her TIA she's weak in her left side, she now sits in a Broad Chair and takes naps in beds most days. My issue is the phone. She won't answer it.

My aunt, who lives 45 minutes away and doesn't drive, uses the phone of communication and checking in daily on her and my Dad. My aunt calls daily sometimes up to 8x a day and lets it ring…. I originally thought maybe the phone wasn't working, or that she couldn't hear it since the TV was on too loud… but each time I go up, I do check and its appears to be in working order. Yesterday I asked her again and she finally said "I choose not to answer it". Is this my Mom just being a pain or is this part of the dementia?

My aunt is so hurt that she won't answer the phone, but I wonder if it is something more. My Dad won't answer the phone either… but to be honest, I'm not sure he knows that its ringing or what is ringing.

I did some searching on this site… but it seems like the issues I found were LO's calling too many times not my issue of not answering!

One day at a time…

Thank you for reading.

Emily 123

It’s probably related to her health, whether a change from the TIA in her ability to react to the ring, or just generalized weakness. It would be easier to figure out if you could see her reaction.
The ‘I choose not to’ sounds like classic ‘covering’ for not recalling and short term memory loss. It’s likely not deliberate, and it might be better for your aunt to contact staff for updates at this point. Talk with the staff and see what they can arrange with your aunt in terms of getting the call/phone to your mom. She’ll probably talk if it’s set up for her, but can no longer manage receiving a call without assistance.

Rob's Daughter

@Emily 123

I'm not sure. When I spoke to her she did remember that the phone rang 8 times and did say that it was probably my aunt and someone else that she couldn't name. I told her that I try to call her as well and she just looked surprised that I would. I have spoken to my mom EVERY DAY for MANY years.

I like your thoughts that its not deliberate… I know the hospice Chaplin told me that she'd be happy to call my aunt when she visits so she could talk to my mom. I will take her up on it. - Thank you

terei

I would put in an unobtrusive camera to keep tabs on her if that’s the issue.

Quilting brings calm

She may not remember how to use the phone. My mom can call and answer the phone … but she accidentally hangs up or puts it on mute almost every call.
It’s also possible that your mom can’t hear or process phone conversations well.

M1

Sounds like your aunt is the one who is disappointed here…but probably needs to realize that this won't work any more. I think the idea of having her call staff or having the hospice chaplain call her might help. Does your aunt have children who can help her process this loss for her?

psg712

Agree that she is probably losing the ability to respond to the phone ringing. My mom had a similar experience. She got to the point that she heard the ring but didn't recognize what it was or what to do about it. But even before that happened, she was no longer able to recognize the voice on the phone (even mine, the one she sees in person most often) or have a meaningful conversation. It's hard on long-distance friends, but there's little that can be done about it.

Another thought in your mom's situation: might there be a reason that she wants to avoid speaking often with your aunt? Does aunt ask detailed questions that your mom finds difficult to answer? Or is there some history of tension between them?

slfields1

Similar situation happened with my mom. I got her a cell phone and put a ring tone of a favorite song assigned just to a few close family members. I put cameras up in her place - the kind with a speaker so we can talk to each other. So I was able to tell her when I was about to call or see what she was doing if she didn’t answer. I imagined having telemarketers call me all day - strangers ringing my phone with me trying to figure out who they are and why they are calling. It would be exhausting and soon I would stop answering the phone too. So I understood.

harshedbuzz

@LauraAnn28

A couple of things could be happening here, some related to dementia and some perhaps not.

Dementia is about so much more than memory loss. Early on there are subtle losses in executive function, empathy, social filter and increased apathy that could be driving this. Mom might not remember what to do when the phone rings; she may have better luck with an old school corded landline than a mobile phone. Since memory is lost in LIFO order, we replaced dad's smartphone with a flip phone but by the time we did he was more likely to try to change TV channels with it than answer it.

Related to empathy, Perhaps she doesn't want to talk to her sister and is just a bit more unfiltered about it; I have my suspicions about someone who is in a safe place calling 8x in a 24-hour period. If sister is talking about topics in which mom has no particular interest (my mom's phone friends routinely whine and complain or brag about their wonderful lives, her deadbeat granddaughter depresses her and hints about money and her own sister spends her time insinuating that mom has dementia)

HB

Rob's Daughter

@M1

Thank you for your comments. I'm an only child and my aunt never married, so all she has left is her 1 sister. (my mom). I think its hard for her to grasp that my mom is in a decline. Today she did answer the phone, so it was a good day. I tell her one day at a time.

Rob's Daughter

@psg712 & @harshedbuzz

Thank you for both for your comments

My aunt never married and my mom is her only sibling…. Yes, at times I think they get on each others nerves. My aunt is having a hard time accepting this decline for my Mom. I know she is always asking a lot of questions as to: Did you eat, what did you eat? What is on the menu for today? Activities? ETC… I see my mom begin to struggle with words… maybe you both are right.. and her choosing not to answer is just her way of dealing with things.

Today was a good day… My aunt texted me that she answered the phone and had a few minute conversation with her.

psg712

We appreciate those good days when we get them!