My sister doesn't get it.

Mona D

My mom is mid-diagnosis, determining which type of dementia she has. My mother-in-law passed with Alzheimers about 10 years ago, so I know what I'm seeing. Mom lives 3/4 time with my sister and 1/4 time with me. My sister gets very frustrated (understandably) with my mom. She vents to me (fine) and I try to explain to her that mom's brain isn't making the connections. "Well, I know, but she should know." I'm always needing to gently remind her that mom's brain isn't working like it used to. She says yeah, but. Sister's husband gets even more irritated. How can I get it through to them? I found this group when looking for local places to get Alz support in hopes they had some presentation or another way of getting the message across. Thanks for your suggestions!

JM27

Hi Mona D,

Glad you found the forum. Sorry you have to be here. It’s great for support and information.

There is a video by Tee Pee Snow called the changing brain. I found it to be informative and help understand what is happening to the LO.

Although I sent it to my sibling to watch and it did not help him to understand.

Hopefully it does.

Welcome to the forum.

NizhoniGrrl

Rather than trying to get them to change, maybe focus on what they are saying without saying it: that they may no longer have the capacity to have her in their home. We all have our limits and they just may not be able to deal with her mental decline, especially if both of them are at the ends of their ropes. Maybe the question you ask them is, how can I help if this is becoming too much for you?

H1235

I have a similar problem with my brother. I have also found him to have no interest in educating himself. I did get him to go to a short lecture, but his response was that mom is just not that far along. I guess for him it was more denial. He has slowly come around. Maybe a workshop would work. I’ve attached a cheat sheet for dementia that might help. There are more resources under groups than new caregivers. It’s frustrating, but maybe they are just not cut out for caregiving. Maybe it’s time to look into AL. Your mom is probably getting confused and unset with their lack of understanding. It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for her. Maybe respite care would be good so they get a bigger break. Have you spent much time with them and your mom. Could it be she is just venting with you but actually handles the situation appropriately? I hope there is something in my rambling that is useful. Family is difficult!

mabelgirl

we can’t force someone to do as we would do. I think nizhonigrrl hit the nail on the head, your sister and her family may not be able to care for your mom. You need to have open nonjudgmental conversation of what’s best for the entire family.
Prayers for peace.

Mona D

Thanks for all of your comments. My mom feels that she NEEDS to be at my sister's because sis is so busy and mom needs to help her. What mom doesn't understand is that her help isn't actually help. I asked mom today, what would it take for her to live with me 3/4 time and sis 1/4. "Oh, I just couldn't do that. She needs my help." Last thing I want to do is crush her or cause turmoil within the family. The truth would do just that. I'm at a loss.

M1

Mona would it work to come up with some made up reasons why You need her help for a while? or perhaps a reason why she cant stay there (gas leak? Sewer problem? Bug problem?). Maybe just until she gets used to the change?

Going back and forth between households is not easy and is only going to get harder, frankly. And honestly, it's a mistake to let her have a say in it at all. You probably just need to present her with a fait accompli. Is assisted living or memory care an option?

H1235

How is her memory and orientation to time? Would she recognize the difference if you started splitting the time 50/50 and then again later to whatever works for you and your sister? M1 suggestion of you needing her help is good. I agree that going back and forth between the two houses is going to eventually get very very confusing for her. I think it would be confusing for me. It might be time to start thinking about a plan B.

Quilting brings calm

next time she is at your house, just keep delaying her return to your sister’s. Whether ‘I’m too busy to drive you there today, let’s try for tomorrow ( repeat again tomorrow)’ or ‘sis is out of town’ or whatever. Just gradually keep increasing the number of days at your house. Or just tell her ‘you are staying at my house for a while - sis needs her privacy for a while’.

NizhoniGrrl

I would just make the change and not discuss it. She might not even notice how many months she’s been with you.