Today's question

psg712

I have not been to see my mom in about ten days, due to my husband being quite ill in the hospital ... and work, and child care ... finally made it over to see her today. She smiled sweetly and asked me, "where is your mother?"

I have to admit, I was stumped for a minute. She repeated the question. I touched her hand and said "she's right here. You are my mother." It was her turn to be stumped. She looked at me, puzzled, and shook her head. Not sure where to go from there, I changed the subject. But she soon closed her eyes and drifted into a nap.

Something new every day ... it's impossible to figure out if she just used the wrong word, meaning to ask about another family member, or if she didn't understand who I was in relation to her ... or anything else. I don't try to understand it anymore. But other family and friends will try to dissect it and explain it to me. I don't have the bandwidth right now. Sigh.

Thanks for listening ...

M1

Just be glad she knows you as a familiar face who loves her. That's all that matters. Everything else falls away. Hope your husband is doing okay?

ESkayP

My mother still has a phone. I realize that decision in itself is a challenging factor that I will have to reconsider as time passes, but so far, it has been more a source of comfort for Mom than a source of upset. When Mom is feeling disoriented or confused, she knows how to call me. We talk, and I am almost always able to relieve her concerns. Last week, she called and seemed very odd. She was miffed about something and couldn't artiticulate what it was. I used all the gentle redirection that has worked in the past, but she would not be consoled. Finally, she said, "I am not your mother." Her voice sounded so strange to me. I didn't know how to respond to that. I said that I thought she and I should talk in person so we could understand each other. She agreed to that. When I saw her a couple days later, I could tell she had no recollection of any such conversation, and I didn't bring it up, of course. Still, it was such an odd thing to say, as if she was acknowledging her diminishing sense of identity. In another strange way, Mom is usually more certain of our relationship when we are on the phone. There's something about going to her contacts and tapping on my name then hearing my voice that reinforces our connection. On the other hand, I was visiting recently, and she started telling me how her daughter had bought her the pair of shoes she was wearing. I didn't correct her, but I was the daughter who bought her those shoes. I just kept calling her Mom during our conversation, and she eventually came back around to knowing me. The brain is a strange landscape.

H1235

When my DH visited his mom he would walk in and say “it’s your favorite son ——“. They would both laugh and she got the reminder of who he was without having to ask. I’m not sure she knew who I was and I’m sure she didn’t know who her great grandkids belonged to that I brought each visit. But she enjoyed spending time with us. M1 is right, as long as she feels comfortable and enjoys spending time with you that’s what matters. My mom with dementia is difficult to be around. She knows who I am but I don’t thinks she likes me much. Sorry your going through this dementia really is awful.

psg712

Thanks to all for your wise words. I agree, I appreciate the fact that she reacts to me with some recognition and is glad to see me. That has to be enough.

I need to let go of my frustration with friends who ask questions such as "does she know who you are?" EskayP is right, the brain is a strange landscape. It's really not possible for me to evaluate what she does and doesn't understand on any given day, primarily because she can not articulate it.

M1, thanks for well wishes for my DH. He is making slow progress through a bad pneumonia. One day at a time, by God's mercy. It's been scary, but he's headed in the right direction.

harshedbuzz

I’m sorry. That’s hard on the heart.

My friend’s mom thought her daughter— who lived with her— was her “favorite caregiver” of all the ones they send. Then her mom would say that “she” had many of the same wonderful traits as her daughter and that she’d like to introduce them as she was sure they’d become firm friends.

HB