I'm ashamed of myself.

Russinator

I'm ashamed of myself. This morning I wasn't the kind understanding person I strive to be with my DW. Let me explain.

I'm 82 years old and have had large dogs all my life. About 2-1/2 years ago we rescued an 16 month old (80 pound) boxer mix. She is a great dog, maybe the sweetest dog I've ever had with people; however, she hates other dogs and will/has attacked a few in the past. Last March, as I was walking her around the neighborhood, an off leash dog attacked her. I was injured in the process of breaking up the fight - leg muscles, tendons and ligaments  pulled and torn. Due to those injuries I had to hire a gardener to mow our grass and trim our trees and hedges. 

BTW - we have a large 100% fenced back yard; I play with her a lot out there. She gets a lot of exercise in that way but misses her walks around the neighborhood.

This morning, before the gardener arrived, I opened both gates and sealed up the house so our dog couldn't get out. Then I turned on my computer to read the posts at this site. About 30 minutes later I went to check on DW and found that she had let the dog out. With both gates open the dog was able, and would, attack any dog who had been walking by. There are many dogs that walk by our house every morning as they are walking their humans. And that's when it happened -  I wasn't the kind understanding person I want to be with my DW. Afterwards I feel like crying - I'm ashamed of myself.

My DW is 72 and in stage 3 (maybe early stage 4). She was diagnosed 2-1/2 years ago with dementia. Her neurologist has her taking Memantine 10mg and Rivastigmine 4.5mg. My DW still functions fairly well; she's great with keeping the house clean, she loves working in our flower beds and playing/loving our dog. She quit driving, cooking and her favorite hobby - genealogy. She's unable to enter her computer's password. When I do it for her she just sits there and stares at the computer's screen then she gets up and asks me to turn on the TV where she sits and sleeps.  

We have talked with a certified elder family attorney who is in the process of updating our family trust. I plan on keeping her in our house until the end; however, I know that might not be possible. I need to get to a few MCFs to get that going in case my plan, of keeping her with me, proves to be impossible. 

Russ

ghphotog

Is there any way you can padlock the gates and hide the key from her? That can be a nightmare know your dogs could attack other dogs if they get out. Very stressful I have no doubt.

Quilting brings calm

I know you love your dog. However having a dog that you know attacks other dogs is a liability risk. Especially since you know that your spouse will let the dog out. You could be forced to pay for injuries to another dog or a person who gets between the dogs. Injuries such as those you received yourself. You need to put the dog to sleep.

In regards to your being annoyed with your spouse… everyone of us has been irritated with our loved one m, and been unable to hide it. We just do the best we can.

Biggles

I have had to padlock the outside gates to stop my DH from wandering off. I’ve also secure locked the house at night to stop any potential wandering and i hide the keys at night. I have made up a false set and my DH often gets up and tries to unlock everything to no avail. It’s so sad but we are all only human and sometimes our patience runs out and we have to take a breath. Dogs are such a wonderful companion so loyal and nonjudgmental. We have a ‘support’ puppy that we take everywhere. Take care and don’t self blame we are all in this very trying situation.

Biggles

Russinator

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230498#Comment_230498

They are always locked unless it's Friday morning and the gardener is there. When he's here Jazzy's in the "sealed up" house. If DW unseals the house, like she did this morning, letting Jazzy out. What I have to do, with that problem, is stay with DW until the gardener is gone. The bigger problem is keeping my cool with DW at all times. I'm working on that.

Russinator

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230506#Comment_230506

Putting Jazzy to sleep would break DW's heart (mine also); however, if it gets to the point where DW lets Jazzy out front then we might have to go that route. I'm hoping that never happens.

I'm working on my patients with DW and others - it's not easy.

jehjeh

Perhaps puppy could be locked in a room in the house on gardener day. Maybe with a latch that yourDW can't reach or figure out?

Please give yourself a break from the guilt. Caregiving 24/7 is exhausting. I've been at this for 5 years and patience is hard to come by. I feel terrible when I am not as patient as I'd like to be but then I get over it and give myself credit for all the times I am.

My hope for both of us is to find a way to fill our quickly emptying well of giving and stay well for the long haul.

SDianeL

very soon your DW will try to get out the front. You need locks now that she can’t undo. There are plastic locks you can get. Also search on this forum for locks. Some people have said that putting locks up high on the doors works because dementia patients don’t look up. Never tested that theory. If your dog attacks another animal or hurts someone the authorities will put your dog to sleep. You are human. Don’t beat yourself up. Just fix it so she can’t open the doors.

Jgirl57

yes, losing our cool at times can be an awful feeling. For us, stage 3,4, were the hardest so far. We are now stage six and I am much better about keeping my cool when we have one of the awful oops moments and I think , “I guess we can’t do that anymore “. Give yourself some grace and know that almost like with a young child you start to think a “few steps ahead “ and prepare .I hope you feel better and thank you for sharing with us .

ST_niece

Sorry to hear of your situation, but I’m glad your wife can live at home and still enjoy activities. Here’s a suggestion: when my loved one with dementia lived with me, I added double-deadbolt locks (which require a key to unlock the door from inside the house) to prevent my loved one from getting outside unexpectedly. A locksmith can install them easily, and they gave me peace of mind at night while I was sleeping or when I was in a different part of the house from my loved one.

Double-deadbolts present safety concerns, however. The key must be easily accessible to the caregiver, so that you’re not trapped inside in case of a fire or other emergency. It’s a good idea to unplug the stove or switch off kitchen fuses when using the double-deadbolt lock, to prevent your loved one potentially starting a fire and being unable to get out.

ST_niece

And is there someone from a local genealogical society or a volunteer caregiver who could come over and help your wife do genealogy, or at least talk about it? Maybe that person could use the computer to look up the info and involve your wife somehow.

It’s sad when loved ones lose abilities, but we can adapt their activities. My loved one stopped reading novels, so I took children’s picture books out of the library. She was able to read the large type, with lots of white space on the page, and she got satisfaction from reading them. We often read them together, and it was enjoyable for both of us.

CampCarol

We had a similar situation with our dog many years ago. She got out once, and bit somebody. It wasn't too bad, but I'm very grateful we weren't sued. That's the other aspect: not only can somebody get hurt badly, you could be sued and potentially lose a lot of your savings. Put another lock/latch at the top of the door as SDianeL suggested above, you need to keep everybody secure!

WIGO23

First and foremost, forgive yourself. As caregivers, as human beings we cannot be perfectly in control of our emotions. You took precautions but DW upended those. You saw the negative possibilities and were undoubtedly frightened at those.
One practical option is to put small lock boxes on the gates and give the code to your gardener. He/she can then open and close with the lock. I have done this on our gate to be certain my DU cannot leave the fence yet I don’t have to carry a key. Attached is one example found at Amazon.

IMG_2195.jpeg

Russinator

Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions. I have forgiven myself but not forgotten. I'm looking at it as a lesson learned. I will do better. We already have the double-deadbolts that only operate with keys. The only other way to the street is by the backyard gate which is always locked, unless the gardener is here, and I have to only key. I do like the suggestion of keeping Jazzy locked in a room while he's here mowing the grass and trimming. I understand what might, probably will happen, if she attacks another dog. I'm doing everything possible to keep that from happening.

ghphotog

I switched the deadbolts with dbl sided keys so I could lock it from the inside when my DW started trying to go home through the front door. I always left the door to the back unlocked though.

jsps139_

Jazzy is beautiful! I can see why you and your wife love her so much.
I know that awful feeling I have when I snap at my husband because my patience ran out for the day! When that happens, I apologize. He doesn’t usually remember my impatience, but I do it anyway. Last week I had enough with him telling me how to drive and I yelled at him. After a few minutes, I patted his leg and apologized, and he said, “that’s ok.” I almost cried.

Russinator

We gave Jazzy a bath today; however, we need to trim those nails

jsps139_

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230617#Comment_230617

Look at that beautiful face!

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230617#Comment_230617

as a fellow dog lover, she’s beautiful.

Russinator

In the back of my mind, when DW gets worse, Jazzy will help me get through the worse part of her dementia. I also believe that DW's sister will be there for any and all help we might need (she has been a huge help these past few years).