How to deal with a spouse who won't advocate for your parent with Dementia

Casimira

My mother's husband is standing in the way of every suggestion I have that would help my mother stay active and deal with some important things that are affecting her because of her dementia. She is still kind, social, funny, can hold great conversations, remember lots of things, and in my opinion needs help with some things at this point that he won't help her with or just doesn't think are necessary. Not too mention he is much older and this would take a lot of burden off of him. I live 3 hours away and try to visit for a 2 -3 days a couple times a month and help in any way I can but it's hard to do much on a quick visit. I have 2 brothers that can't seem to bring themselves to make an effort to help ! I would like to hire someone initially 3 mornings a week to get her out of the house to walk, go to a senior yoga class, take a drive, run out for groceries, remind her to take her appetite medicine, vitamins and to bathe on the mornings she is there. I don't know where to turn to find someone or if I can force him to let me do this without him retaliating by changing his will or something hateful like that, that could potentially affect her down the road.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!!

SusanB-dil

Hi Casimira - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Just a thought, but is it possible her husband is beginning to have issues as well?

Would it work if you could get someone to help her out, but tell them that they are helping 'your friend'. Tell them 'a friend needs hours for course credit, or for more experience'. (Or even just needs a couple extra bucks). Whatever works.

If there is nothing he would be open to at all, unfortunately, since you are not the one with POA, you may just have to wait until she either progresses, or he allows help, or it comes time for a welfare check.

Sorry you are dealing with 'this'.

harshedbuzz

@Casimira

This is a difficult situation. It doesn't sound as though your mom is in any way neglected, although if he's not supervising important medications, it's a grayer area.

How are you planning to fund this suggestion? DSD may not want to throw money at a companion caregiver right now. Perhaps he's budgeting resources for later when hiring care will be necessary rather than enriching. I know my mom loathed spending money for respite; it just didn't seem like good value to her. Dad's agency HHAs were over $30/hour with a 15 hour/week minimum 6 years ago. Not all of these folks were great; one stole some of mom's jewelry and dad only really clicked with one. And having people in the house kind of made it feel like a nursing home for one.

That said, I think what you are suggesting would be great. Does mom have any friends who light get her out regularly? I wonder if the approach might be a factor. What if you were to "gift" mom the weekly yoga class and pay for the companion aide yourself and see how it goes? Maybe if he found it helpful to have a break, he'd be more inclined to do more of this.

HB