I'm too proud to ask....

MarDel0917

Hi y'all. My bf 45yo eoa is my person. I love him with all i got. He has 2 sides of family. His adopted mom (aunt) and his uncle have been a blessing for me. His mom will take my bf maybe once a month or every few months for a few hours so I can go do some errands. I try not to ask too much tho as she is older as well and bf can be a lot sometimes. His uncle has come over a few times so that i can go do some baking things with my friends and even to just take a nice long shower.

Then there is his bio mom and sister who always say "if you need anything let me know" he doesn't have a good relationship with his bio mom so I wouldn't put him in that situation. The few times I have hinted or asked his sister if she can help me with him there is always an excuse. I'm on call until 1pm or I can't cause of my morning routine. Or I'm just busy.

I want his sister to step up. However I also feel too proud to ask for help. I never want them to shove it in my face or be in debt to them. Then I would wonder if they are taking care.of him, how much are they baby-ing him. Is he being nice. I also secretly want to tell her take him to the store he loves it and leave out the part where he says hi to EVERYONE, wants to hug EVERYONE, or will dart off. (Sorry not sorry) only so they can have a small glimpse of what I go through. I can handle him pretty well and so can his caregiver.

But I would love to go to the library or even do grocery shopping in person.

We are all in this together 💜

JDancer

It sounds like you have asked her for help. I wonder if she's really willing/able to help or if it's lip service. I'm sorry they aren't more supportive. I care for my spouse alone and I know how difficult it is.

SDianeL

sadly if you’ve asked and they haven’t stepped up, they never will. Have you looked into day care? Or could you hire someone? Maybe your county Council on Aging would have resources? Caregiving is a lonely job. So sorry.

harshedbuzz

The issue of family help comes up a lot. Caregivers are often feeling unsupported and disgruntled because their idea of help isn't what the same as what the person making the off hand call me if you need something offer. Another scenario, common among step-parents and adult siblings is the sense that others 1) should be doing a greater share of the work of caregiving and 2) don't appreciate how difficult it is to provide this level of care.

To my ear, it sounds as if you've got both issues. You want the sister to give you a break, and also for his family to understand the value of the care you provide for a PWD with awkward or challenging behaviors.

It would be best to have a frank conversation with the sister since you don't trust bio-mom. Ask her if she would be willing to give you a break. Her idea of help might be picking up groceries for you once in a while or bring you the occasional prepped meal. If she's willing to provide care, then you can negotiate the terms; it's often best to schedule ahead of time rather than spring a request on someone because you've become burned out.

HB

MarDel0917

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236029#Comment_236029

Thank you for those words. I never thought of a prepped meal. I'm so used to doing it all myself. I will swallow my pride and see what she says.