Selling Mom's Home Using POA When She Seems Lucid

wawalker22

I have three siblings and one lives fifteen minutes away from my mom. I live in another state but manage all her finances and anything else I can to take the load off our sibling who lives locally.

When I agreed to be my mom's power of attorney, I naively thought it would only come into play for her finances. However, this past weekend I had to use it for the first time to stop her from moving out of assisted living. She managed to contact a mover and coordinate a move back to her house (though she gave them the wrong addresses). I saw the confirmation come through her email and, after consulting with my siblings, played the POA card to cancel the move.

She is not happy. We moved her into assisted living two months ago and she HATES it. She has always been extremely independent and incredibly stubborn if someone tried to infringe on her independence. When I spoke to her this weekend about canceling the move, she sounded very lucid and like my stubborn mom who wants to be at home. My brothers have to remind me that the mom I'm talking to on the phone does not resemble the day-to-day mom when you're with her in person. The kicker is that since she's been in assisted living and eating and taking her meds regularly, she's doing better. But her going home would be a rinse-and-repeat of her not eating, not staying hydrated, and not regularly taking her meds. It would be another five-alarm scramble when she inevitably injures herself or otherwise requires hospitalization.

Next month my siblings and I plan to clear out her house and sell it. As her POA, I have the authority to do this. However, ever since I canceled her move this past weekend, she's texted me about how she can't believe I would interfere without consulting with her, how upset she would be if I rented or sold her house without discussing it with her, and whether she can revoke my POA. Knowing what we're doing next month, these messages KILL me.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you navigate it and what did you share (or not share) with your parent?

H1235

I am cleaning out moms house now. She is a hoarder and my brother is no help, so it’s going to take way more than a month. I have not told mom what I am doing. She continues to ask us to take her bake to her her house so she can sort through things. She thinks I am being mean, and tells me what I’m doing is wrong. She would be furious if she knew! She tires easily, is not able to distinguish trash from treasure and has no idea how much work needs to be done, how to set about the process and has a 2 minute attention span. No way she could be involved. My mom also made a few physical improvements after the move to assisted living. I would be worried that if she could call movers she could call a lawyer and try to have your DPOA revoked. Does she still have a credit card? Seems like she would need it to book movers. I would that the card away! Let her think she lost it. Could you set her phone in some kind of child mode so she can only make calls to designated numbers? I worried a bit about mom taking me off as DPOA, but she is not tech savvy enough to look up a phone number using her phone. She also doesn’t drive and I figured she couldn’t get to a lawyer. It’s all so frustrating and heartbreaking.

eaglemom

Oh my goodness. let me just say, feeling will be hurt and more than likely they will be your feelings. Because your mom will say something then forget about it, but that sting, you'll remember. You mention 3 sibling - one that lives 15 minutes away and you, in another state. Is the third sibling not involved? (I'm not prying, just trying to get a clear idea of the situation.)

I would suspect your mom can 'act' if you will, pretty 'normal' for you on the phone for a short bit. But that's what it is, an act. She doesn't want you to know how she truly is, so she pretends nothing is wrong. Many do this, its very common. One thing you can do is to put a spending limit on the credit card she apparently has. Personally, I'd set a low amount - $100 or much less. When she uses or tries to use her card, you will be notified to authorize the purchase. That way she can't go on a spending spree. Or giving out donations, etc.

She's in assisted living for her benefit, but she doesn't see it that way. Neither did my mom! I finally ask my mom if she thought anyone there wanted to be there. Of course her answer was no. I built my case on that. See mom, they don't want to be here either, but they know its best. Its what they are doing. You might try that angle, it probably won't work, but your mom will think about it at least.

I wish you good luck in cleaning out her house and selling it. I have no advice to offer. You know she won't like it. Feelings will be hurt, remember that. Things will be said that can't be unsaid. She'll find out about it somehow.

I don't want to overwhelm you so that's enough information for now. Document everything - absolutely everything, with picture and in writing.

eagle

JulietteBee

It took years of speaking with my mom to convince her that a move was necessary.

Last summer, she lost vision in one eye and at the lowest point in her life, I seized my final opportunity to show her she was no longer safe to drive or live alone. Though she had always refused, I tried once more. This time she agreed. We got her moved in to an independent living facility.

For months, she complained that she made a grave mistake by moving. By then, I simply said that there was no undoing what was done, ESPECIALLY if it required my help.

I am disabled and moving her almost cost me my life. It was all just too much.

Being her POA, I then had to convince her to let me rent out her house. She adamantly stated she did not want it rented. She wanted it sold. I had other talk reason to her. She gave in & the house is now rented.

I say all that to say, in her moments of lucidity, you should TRY to keep her in the loop. Always let her feel that she has a say in the matter. It is just a matter of being courteous. Sadly, she will forget whatever the decision was & become argumentative once again. So, when she does, remind her that you spoke with her and let her know that she was in agreement. It is a lie but at this point in our parent's lives, we can not wait for them to make a decision. Worse, we can not expect them to make the logical decision regarding what is in their best interest. Hugs!😘