Moved mom to AL on Monday and now (Wednesday) she's in a psych ward

leslieO423

I'm horrified and don't know what to do (or what's even possible.) Sorry this is long, I need someone somewhere to understand the history of this since no one has asked us before (or after) committing her.

My mom started having memory issues around 2020 but wasn't officially diagnosed with AD until this past January. (She's very good at passing her cognitive tests - I've no idea how.) I live in another state but started taking on more of a primary care role last September eventually living with her part time also starting in January. I've been managing her finances, her medications, but recently she had a situation where her upstairs tub overflowed and damaged the kitchen ceiling. She thinks my sister and BIL did something to make that happen because "they want her house."

I was living with her mostly because she said she was afraid in the home at night but also because she was lonely and needed help managing her meds. During the time I've spent with her, she started saying how she couldn't continue to live in the house by herself, that she was afraid, that it was too much and she was lonely. So we started talking about moving to AL. Told her, "I've just been waiting for you to tell me you were ready." She said numerous times she was ready.

So we started the process to move her into AL, I told her about it but she wasn't involved in the decision-making. I found a great place close to my sister that has AL with a "bridge" program to MC and we (my sister and I who have DPOA and M-POA) signed the contracts to move her in. I did my best to keep showing her pictures, answering questions about the move, etc., even told her when she'd be moving - knowing full well she wouldn't really remember any of it.

We moved her on Monday. Brought her over there to show her around and she freaked out. She was angry, berating me and my sister (calling us "greedy pigs" stands out) as does trying to punch me but also crying and confused ("what's happening to me" broke me).

But then she was invited to lunch with "the ladies" of the bridge program and went off happy as a clam. The residence shared pictures of her laughing and said she ate a full meal. As we were leaving, she saw me and introduced me around and then went off with "her new friends." We all breathed a sigh of relief. Especially when we didn't hear anything on Tuesday.

On Tuesday night I wrote the facility asking how we should expect to get updates. I still haven't received a reply to that but in the meantime, my sister was called to the facility because my mom was being violent and looking for ways to get out. She has been sent to a nearby hospital. They are "certifying" her so they can admit her to their geriatric psych unit. The original AL facility has told the hospital they won't take her back to AL and they have no beds in MC.

And I'm wishing for all the world that I could turn back time and go back to upending my life to stay with her in her home and take care of her. I was hoping AL would give her a better life and now she's committed. I'm completely lost and sick over this. I know there's no real advice to be offered. We'll wait to hear more from the hospital and take each day as it comes. But I've no one else in the world to share this with who would have any possibility of understanding so thanks for listening.

harshedbuzz

@leslieO423

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how cutting those accusations can feel when we're just trying to keep our LO safe.

It sounds as if the anxiety that was driving her fear of living alone finally erupted. It happens. Sometimes it can't be predicted. Her reaction doesn't mean it was a wrong or bad choice, it kind of proves that her reasoning and emotional regulation have been badly impacted by the disease progression.

I know it doesn't feel that way, but this may be for the best under this set of circumstances— she is where she can get expert help most quickly.

HB

PS my dad, who remained verbal until he died in stage 7, did really well on those quick evaluations. He pulled a score on the cusp or normal/MCI 6 months before he died. I understand how that can lead you to be conflicted about placement.

leslieO423

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243229#Comment_243229

Thank you. I keep telling myself this is evidence that she needed more help than we could provide but it means more coming from someone else. 🙏

MoniqueV2024

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. If I were you, I would stay on top of the doctors to see what the plan is. I had several bad experiences where they seemed to over-treat my mom, especially with meds, and once I was able to get more specifics about her actual situation could make some judgment calls accordingly. What she is enduring is hard and scary and I think any one of us would have an occasional outburst, too. So the question becomes, what does she need?

Please take good care of yourself, too. The stress can be suffocating. I write this from the plane as I am flying with my mom’s ashes to her memorial service. You’ll be glad you advocated for your mom. I know I am. Take care.

ARIL

You didn’t do the wrong thing. You gathered information and made the best choice possible. Although the recent turn of events is not what you wanted or expected, it does suggest that your mom needs the help of experts. I hope this can lead to a better life for her (and for you) and that there will be a good MC placement in the near future. Hang in there. This is horrible and hard, but you are doing the best and most loving thing.

SDianeL

what everyone else said. Sending hugs. 💜

H1235

Medication can be so tricky to get just right with a doctors visit every few weeks or months. It can also be difficult to find a doctor with the specialized knowledge she needs (geriatric psych). Even when you do find one it can be a very long wait to get in. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but this is probably a good thing. I hope everything works out for the best.