Just Had to Cancel Mom's Move. Again.

wawalker22

For the second time in a month, my mom managed to (mostly) schedule movers to take her from AL back to her home. The information she provided both times was either incorrect or incomplete. She's been in AL about 3 months.

When I canceled the first move, I didn't tell her, which made her feel betrayed for not being looped in. We had a very long and blunt discussion about why moving home was not an option. It was like talking to a wall and I gave up on reasoning.

Today I saw another credit card charge come through for a moving company deposit. Luckily there was enough information for me to identify the company, call them, explain the situation, and cancel her move. Since she was so upset I didn't notify her the first time, I told her this go around. I said I was coming to visit for two weeks soon (true) and while we could explore the options to make her apartment feel more like home, going back to her house was not an option. She texted me that she didn't want me interfering and that she "must have some independence".

She's always been brutally independent but has absolutely no comprehension of the fact that her "independence" this past year at her house was made possible because one of my brothers and I managing her life - grocery delivery, doctor's appointments, medication, etc. We can't do that anymore - it's not sustainable. Mom from fifteen years ago wouldn't want us putting our lives on hold for her care, which is where we were headed.

I'm so frustrated with her stubbornness (definitely a part of her character before Alz) and I also feel terrible for being the villain in her story. Part of me feels like a little kid in me that doesn't want her mom to be mad at her.

Does anyone have any advice, encouraging words, or just a shared experience? Thanks for letting me vent.

Quilting brings calm

at this point, you need to cancel her credit card - or put an extremely low limit on it. Eliminate computers and smartphones. She could get scammed really easily.

wawalker22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244799#Comment_244799

Agreed. When I go to visit I'm going to do just that and also try to swap her phone out for a Grandpad.

ARIL

A friend of mine who is a physician (and also cares for her own parents at a distance) talks about creating “the illusion of independence” through enormous and often unsustainable effort. You’re right that returning to the old life isn’t a good plan for anyone in your scenario.

Scheduling a move from AL—even with bad information—is interesting/surprising. I haven’t heard of exactly that, but I knew of someone who called 911 from AL and reported that she had been kidnapped. After two times, the police told the AL facility to remove the phone.

This isn’t advice but just an encouraging word. You are doing the right thing, even though it is hard.

SDianeL

you are doing this for her, not to her. Although she may have been stubborn in the past and may still be today, before you could argue with her and she could reason. With dementia arguing does no good. She won’t remember and you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. It’s a waste of breath. Your relationship changes when you become a caregiver. You’re no longer Mother and daughter. You’re more like patient and nurse. Take charge. Disable the phone. No Internet access. Lose the credit cards or put a very low limit on it. If she has checks take them away. Then create fibs to explain why they’re missing. Like they’re broken, in the shop, another ordered, etc. then repeat. No matter what you do she will be angry with you. It’s common with dementia patients to do that to their primary caregiver. She would do the same with anyone who is her primary caregiver. We understand what you’re going through.

harshedbuzz

You are not the reason she needs to be in a facility; her dementia is.

It sounds as though she's still pretty tech savvy being able to find a phone number for the moving company, call it and go through the steps to schedule a move. That could be a function of cognitive reserve. My friend's dad was a brilliant scientist who developed dementia and refused to allow his sons to act as POAs. They had to obtain guardianship through the courts instead and when dad was served notice, he still had retaining and attorney as a splinter skill. His fridge was filled with rotting food, he had fishing flies strewn all over his bed and he couldn't name his grandkids (he lived in a cottage on friend's home and saw the kids daily). This kind of cognitive reserve combined with showtiming can fool even honest people trying to do their jobs.

She's at a stage where she needs to be disconnected from scammers and opportunities to handle money. Removing her phone and internet access would be prudent. Dad lost $360K day-trading in the middle stages of the disease while mom was ignoring my pleas to get him evaluated. Around that time, he was supposed to stay in a hotel across the street from the hospital where mom had her knee replaced. He couldn't find it. Google maps showed (he called me in PA from FL to ask me for directions) it directly across the street from said hospital with a large marquee visible from her room and the front entrance. He slept in his car instead and then went out to buy a bigger, newer car. He got hosed.

If she's calling the same movers, you could reach out to them with your POA and insist they stop arranging moves for her explaining that she not longer has the capacity to sign contracts.

HB

MN Chickadee

I would cancel her credit cards and freeze her credit with the 3 bureaus so no loans or cards can be opened in her name without the pin that only you will have. If she has this level of wherewithal to be online and on the phone she could definitely be scammed out of money. It happens all the time with the elderly and PWD. Canceling her card will also prevent her from scheduling more moves. You will have to use therapeutic fibs, and say you will have the bank fix it and keep kicking that can down the road. Switching her to a Grandpad with only a few white listed numbers is a great idea, so she can stay connected to you without the many pitfalls of the rest of tech. Again, therapeutic fibs. Maybe her old phone is broken and this is a temporary fix until you can order a new one, and boy new phones sure are taking a long time with the new tariff situation. And in the end she might just be mad at you for a while. We caregivers often have to be the bad guys and take heat from our loved one in order to keep them safe and well cared for. It's a thankless, awful job. This is a very difficult phase, these first few months of living in a facility. Many people pack to go home and are very unhappy in the first few months. Hang in there.

Iris L.

Your mom isn't stubborn, she has anosognosia. She isn't aware that she has dementia. Don't tell her. Take care of things in the background, as other members have discussed.

Iris

wawalker22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244814#Comment_244814

@ARIL , thank you for your encouragement. The "illusion of independence" is the PERFECT phrase.

wawalker22

@SDianeL and @MN Chickadee - thank you for the advice on her finances and your encouraging words. Navigating these new obstacles has been so overhwleming.

I've managed her finances for several years after some (luckily minor) scams and I've had her credit locked down since then. The credit cards are next. I really like the idea of dropping the limit way down on her card. She's had the card for years and it's familiar to her. If I can just drop the limit, she gets to keep her card and I get to keep some kernel of peace of mind.

wawalker22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244831#Comment_244831

@harshedbuzz, my mom sounds just like your friend's dad. She's wickedly bright and can dig DEEP to put on a front that sounds an awful like my mom from ten years ago. I hadn't heard the phrases "cognitive reserve" and "splinter skill" and those are such useful concepts to be able to name. Thank you so much for introducing me to those words.

Luckily I have a DPOA. She has of course expressed a desire to revoke it after my meddling, but I don't think any attorney would deem her competent enough to do it. Both moving companies were incredibly understanding when I explained the situation and submitted my POA.

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you've had with your dad and the consequences of not being able to get him evaluated despite your encouragement/pleading. I so hope you've been able to take steps to protect him and give yourself some peace of mind. This disease is so brutal to everyone involved.

wawalker22

@Iris L. , thank you for confirming the advice that everyone else has offered. Being in this situation - both for my mom and me - is just the pits. I so appreciate everyone's hard-won insights into how to manage this.

weareallunique

A good deal of the stress dealing with a family member who can't understand the need for safety is the back and forth - every chore seems like it is started , stopped, done 40 % then redone. And the back and forth is because we are trying to deal, imo, with their irrationality with rationality because we want to get their sign-on, approval, whatever . And it's so tiring

That's why I used the Mom Inc. model. If I was a professional fiduciary/conservator - they ,for a modest hundreds an hour , just get in- marshall the assets, plan for housing, safety, moves etc. They get their contracts, get their attorney on board and just do it. Not heart less but their job is get things nailed down for safety. If they fail because they let the PWD run parts of the show they could be liable.

So maybe thinking of it as two hats- the Mom Inc hat and after those tasks are done, then you can be the daughter.