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Should I tell him someone died?

riajean
riajean Member Posts: 98
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

Is it ever safe to tell someone with advanced dementia someone has died?  We lost my youngest brother (58 years old) last week and I'm devastated.  My husband has known him since he was 9.  We were close.  Do I tell him, who understands little, my brother has died?  Is it ever OK to do that?

Thank you.

Comments

  • Lorita
    Lorita Member Posts: 4,649
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    My sister's daughter passed away and because she had advanced alz we chose to not tell her. There was nothing she could do and we felt it would worry her and make her worse. Nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

    So sorry for your loss.

  • June45
    June45 Member Posts: 366
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    My husband is in advanced Alz; I wouldn't tell him if one of his relatives died. I think Lorita summed up it well: "Nothing to gain and a lot to lose."  But ultimately it is your decision. You know your husband's situation better than we do.
  • abc123
    abc123 Member Posts: 1,171
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    I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.
  • ButterflyWings
    ButterflyWings Member Posts: 1,757
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    riajean- I am sorry for the loss of your brother. May he Rest In Peace. Condolences to you and your family. 


    DH’s youngest brother died (also 58) last year and we did not tell him. COVID restrictions would not allow a service and DH would not have understood or remembered anyway. So we would have had to tell him again and again, causing unnecessary pain.

    Not everyone agreed but it was not their decision ultimately. I have no regrets. And now they understand.

  • riajean
    riajean Member Posts: 98
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    Thank you everyone.  Helps me to feel better in my decision to keep it from him.  Too much loss lately! 

  • Ed1937
    Ed1937 Member Posts: 5,091
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    Riajean, I'm sorry for your loss. My brother was in late stage alz. when our sister passed from natural causes. I told his wife about it, and told her to do whatever she thought was best. She said she would tell him because she felt it was important. He could still talk, but never mentioned anything to me about our sister. I'm guessing he forgot shortly after being told. I didn't mention it to him either.
  • Jeff86
    Jeff86 Member Posts: 684
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    Condolences on the loss of your brother.

    I told my DW about her sister’s passing 2 1/2 years ago, when DW was less progressed.  She did not express grief, and wasn’t exactly situationally appropriate.  Now, with DW in late stage 6, I do not share with her deaths in the family.  Her cousin’s husband passed last month, and I decided not to tell her.  

  • Joydean
    Joydean Member Posts: 1,500
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    Condolences on the loss of your brother! It must be really hard for you and your family. Prayers for you and your family. God bless you in your decision.
  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 814
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    Riajean, I agree with the others that telling him may not be best. I do suggest that you plan ahead about what to tell him if he notices you crying or feeling sad. Our pwd so often think our moods are only about them and may be more upset if you don't have a story prepared.
  • riajean
    riajean Member Posts: 98
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    Thank you.   Just needed "my husband" who is no more I guess.  He is VERY familiar with my younger brother, so keeping it feels wrong on all levels and yes I'm looking for his big strong arms around me but guess I'm asking for too much at this stage.  Very, very sad.

  • Arrowhead
    Arrowhead Member Posts: 366
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    I took my wife to her father's grave. She read the information on the stone and admitted that he was buried there. She then insisted that he is still alive. Telling him would do no good. Even if he accepted it, he would forget anyway.
  • Paris20
    Paris20 Member Posts: 502
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    I told my husband when my niece died in July, 2020. He saw me crying and since he was not as impaired as he is now, I didn’t consider keeping it secret. He forgot about the death soon after. He often asks me how she’s doing. I repeat the answer. He gets upset. I get more upset. I wish I had not told him.
  • Cherjer
    Cherjer Member Posts: 227
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    My DH lost two brothers within the last year... I decided not to tell him about these losses although he talked to each brother before they passed away. There was no reason to tell him...would only cause confusion. He never mentions his brothers and why make this harder for him.
  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 814
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    Paris, I suggest you don't tell him again. If/when he asks, I'd suggest something like, "She's about the same. She won't be coming over any time soon," or something that fits your needs and covers the bases without re-announcing the loss.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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